I feel totally weary of life and I only just turned 23

[koopakoosh]

I have a problem where I'm not sure what to do-I asked already on another chat but didn't get any suggestions really.

I'm disabled but I work over 40+ hours a week at a fast food restaurant. A lot of people ask me, "why not go on disability?" Disability might as well be called a poverty stipend. If you are on disability you cannot save any money, you are expected to stay economically broke and never can have anything nice, that includes a vehicle (I believe you cannot own any vehicle over $2000, I am lucky that my car is old but still okay but not valued above that price tag). So I work everyday to try and save some money and then I get home and cry because I'm in so much pain. I'm tired and I'm growing weary and I didn't imagine this life for myself...

I can't afford college, family members can't afford to help (nor would I ever expect or want them to). People say why not get loans or scholarships (mostly older people who don't seem to understand just what monsters that colleges/universities have turned into, I would literally be in debt at least 30k-50k and with how the economy is right now... well, it took me over 40 applications to even get a callback from the one place I'm working at now)?

I did go for a semester of college but dropped out because I was raped in the middle of my second semester, and now also have PTSD on top of my physical pain. Still paying off $1200 in financial aid for dropping out early even though I asked the financial offices in the beginning of the first semester to tell me any and all ways that it would be possible to lose my financial aid.

I was ​extremely​ specific and asked two-three times for confirmation and to make sure that I could feel safe spending the financial money without being f***** over. You know what they told me? They said, "No, there was no way I would lose my financial aid." I remember asking if they were sure, and they said that they were. Then I drop out in the middle of my second semester because of the rape and just wanting to get out of there, and they say I have to pay the rest back because I had dropped out in the middle of a semester and apparently that was one of the ways I could lose my financial aid.

Two years later, and I'm still paying it off because it took me over a year to find a job (I literally applied to everything and anything I could apply for).

My wage is $7.75 an hour and even though it's more than I'd make on disability it is still a pathetic living standard and I'm barely able to save anything between car insurance, rent, electricity, phone bill, etc. I am down to my last ropes. I feel like the whole system is rigged and meant to keep people like me down, broke, lost, and hopeless. I feel like there's no point to this life anymore.

I have other friends my age (I'm 23) and I see the same thing in their eyes too. I can see it because I recognize it in myself and I talked to one of my friends about it in a rare and honest moment-that hopelessness, that feeling of "settling" because this is as good as it gets. That look kills my soul.

It's hopeless, what's even the point? I'm seriously thinking of just ending it because this isn't a life and I feel like my soul is dying anyways with each passing day living like this.

[100footpole]

You sound like a hero to me.

There is nothing I can do to help you except start to listen.

You didn't say what state/country you are in. I respect your problems with the financial aid ... and trying to do the right thing with that. Have you contacted a victims group? There might be social workers who can help you defer the debt, lower your interest, etc.

You sound strong enough to make it in this world. There are suicide prevention hotlines that have lists of organizations, hopefully that are near you, that can try to help you with your load.

Please don't act on this thought:

It's hopeless, what's even the point? I'm seriously thinking of just ending it because this isn't a life and I feel like my soul is dying anyways with each passing day living like this.

Many of us have felt this ... and as I've said the one thing age allows me to do is have faith that things can get better as well as worse. It has happened for lots of people on here, It WILL happen for you too.