Depression Understood Forums

so I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 7 months now and it kinda came about from a really rough year. over the summer, my dad left my mom over the summer and it was super unexpected. my mom was extremely torn up over it for the first couple weeks, understandably, and i felt like it was my responsibility to help her get back on her feet and help my sister through it all so I only allowed myself to be sad about the whole ordeal for two days and then i acted as a rock for my mom and sister. That in itself wwas pretty hard for me because at times my mom would sort of say rude or mean things about my dad and that was sort of difficult for me to hear, but i wanted her to have a sounding board. That's where the depression began, and i think it definitely sort of came about as a result of suppressing my feelings. Also, seeing my dad was very difficult for me because seeing him so much happier outside of our house made me sad because i felt like he was happier to be away from me and it also made me sort of angry because things at our house had kind of been a mess and i didn't think it was fair he didn't have to deal with any of that.
so a couple weeks after that i had a massive panic attack and it was so terrifying, i honestly felt like i was dying, my mom called an ambulance and everything and it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. i had been diagnosed with anxiety before that attack, but i had never had a panic attack so bad before so they put me on medication after and i went to see a therapist once a week. i honestly didn't get much help from the therapist though because everytime i'd go in i'd be too scared to open up and i didn't really want to so with each question she'd ask i'd answer with the "right" answer or what i thought she wanted to hear. then a couple weeks after that my boyfriend of a long time broke up with me and I felt absolutely terrible for weeks. looking back on it now, i realize i was in an emotionally abusive relationship and had he not broken up with me i never would have gotten out of it. he made me feel ugly, stupid, fat and just so inferior that i felt like i had to stay with him or i'd have no chances elsewhere. and as a result of him treating me so awfully i did a lot of things i didnt want to do because i felt like i had to or he'd leave me. so when he did break up with me i absolutely freaked out and my immediate thoughts were "oh my god, this is it for me, no one's ever gonna like me again". and that had raised my anxiety way high and made me feel even sadder and even more hopeless.
and more recently my dad has just announced that he's moving to a different state with his girlfriend and her kid and its hurting me so much but i havent said anything to him about it because i don't want him to not be happy and he gets so happy whenever he talks about it.
since then the depression has been way worse than my anxiety. I'm not constantly depressed because i try my hardest to keep busy, but the second i sit down and have nothing left to do, it hits me and it's almost like i can't remember the last time i felt fine even though i was ok like a minute ago. i don't think i could ever consider suicide, but i sometimes find myself wishing i would just die because i can't find any silver lining and that honestly scares me because i don't want to have to feel this way for the rest of my life. somedays it's not as bad as others but some days it's like i feel like i want to get out of bed and do something because i feel so awful but i cant bring myself to get out of bed, allmotivation is lost. it's also been affecting my physical health big time, i'm constantly nauseous or just don't even have an appetite.

I'm so sorry to hear this! What a terrible thing to go through! I'm glad you got out of the emotionally abusive relationship though! It's crazy how we realize we were being treated terribly after looking back on a relationship. As far as therapy goes, I really think you should open up to your therapist. That's what he/she is there for. No one wants to be a therapist so they can judge others, they just want to help I've talked to a social worker about my anxiety a few times and after a few sessions of me awkwardly answering her questions and slowly opening up, she gave me some good advice and ways to cope with my anxiety. Maybe once you open up to your therapist, he/she can give you some useful tips on how to handle your depression.
And don't feel like you need to be the rock in your family. Do you think any less of your mother or sister because they cry or are upset about your father leaving? Probably not, so don't be afraid to break down in front on them. They can handle it. Let your family take care of you!

Hope things start getting better for you soon

Hi Daisy423, I'm sorry to hear what you been through. That must of been hard for you at the time to deal with and can't imagine what it was like.

There seemed to of been alot going on for you in a short space of time. It was kind of one thing to the next being unexpected. You aswell seemed to of had to get on with it and put up a front. It's hard when you have to do that for the sake of others.

The one thing you mentioned was not having time to deal with your own emotions and feelings to all of this.

In these type of situations you really do have to look after yourself too. I'm sorry that no one was there to help you at the time.

Maybe putting everything to one side. Could you do something for yourself what will make you feel happy?

I'm sure there is something. The reason why I ask is so you can try gaining back the respect and control back into your life.

Some people find venting can help with how they feel or writing things down on a bit of paper. It's about sharing and getting people to notice you.

I hope that helps and remember were here if you wanna talk.

Hugs

Helloraspberries1