What Keeps me Up at Night

[Insomnia4now]

I feel trapped. Trapped in this world. Everyone expects me to keep it up. I want to give everyone what they want. I want them to have the engineer but I don't even know if I want to be an engineer. I've never experienced waking up daily and dreading going to class like I have for the past semester. The only classes that I can bear to tolerate are calculus three and chemical conservations. There was a time where both of these classes actually brought me some joy, but now I'm so bored that I practically fall sleep every class. My engineering design class I genuinely feel up a list in my stomach every time I have to go to that class is where feel like a most don't belong with everyone else feel like I'm a failure and I'm just a fraud or something. But the real problem is that if I wasn't doing engineering I don't know what else I can do. Truth is I don't have any talent to speak of. I have never really been passionate about anything I've done yet. I'm a depressed student with body image issues who uses humor to hide my feelings and snarkiness as a way to get over my own incompetencies. Im afraid to tell anyone about how I feel because I was raised believe that you were weak and somehow how worse than everyone else if you felt this way. I often feel it would be easier to be dead because at least when you are dead you don't have to deal with so many problems. Im not a risk to myself, however, because Lord knows that i am way too big of coward to go through with something so permanent. So instead I live in this limbo of not wanting to really live the life I have and being too scared to die. My biggest fears are that I somehow end up in a mental hospital where my reputation with my family would be tarnished and that I continue living life without a passion. I'm also afraid that people will think it's just a ploy for attention so I haven't told anyone how I feel. I truly view myself as a failure. I have been given one of the best upbringings imaginable and have never been denied opportunities. And yet I still feel the way I feel and I still fail on a daily basis. I feel worthless knowing that there are literally billions of people on this planet who have a worse life than me and yet I still feel the way I feel about my life. How dare I. I have no right to feel this way with all of the privileges I've been afforded. And yet I still do. And for that I am disgusted in myself. People say everyone is created equal but that is just not true. And in the grand scheme of thing I'm pretty worthless. Everyone tells me how proud they are to see me doing so well and be so happy. How could I ever tell them the truth? Because the truth is that the way they see me is so much better than how I actually am. I often feel bad that other good people die of terrible things like cancer when me being the waste of space I am gets to live a healthy and blessed life. How could I be so selfish as to feel the way i do. It's inexcusable really. I'm sharing this because I don't want to tell anyone in my life, but I couldn't keep it to myself anymore either.

[arkhamite]

The hardest thing is admitting to yourself and other people that you feel that way. The second hardest is realising that just because you feel that way doesn't mean it is a fact.
For a fact, you have succeeded in going through school.
For a fact, you have succeeded in living longer than you may believe you should.
For a fact, just because other people have it worse does not mean that you are a bad person for feeling bad. Billions of people have it way better than you. It does not mean you don't deserve to be happy.

If you want to continue with engineering, you absolutely should. If you don't, then you should look at other options. If you do but don't feel capable, then your university or tafe or college will have places you can go to discuss other options.

There are always other options and while suicide often seems like the right thing, it is more often not. My suggestion is that you should try to be open about your feelings to others. Start with one. A friend, a sibling, a parent.. it doesn't matter. They usually won't know the right thing to say so don't expect a miracle, but opening up will usually lead to another opening.

If you don't have that openess in real life or if you want to one on one, please email me at [email protected] or facebook at Charlie Chelsea Lockhart.

I am a complete stranger but I want what's best for you. I hope you can find what you need,

[100footpole]

Calc III brings joy to your life!!! Wow!!!

When I was getting my computer science degree I became friends with a person who became obsessed with the Soleri character in Amadeus. She was obsessed because her reach exceeded her grasp. She was making A s in class, but she didn't feel the joy that some of the other students felt when coding ... she didn't want to write programs just for fun.

Please read the Depression Forums Forum Index -> Living with Depression and other Related Health Concerns->Symptoms of Depression thread.

I thought of that thread when I read your post because your statement:

Truth is I don't have any talent to speak of. I have never really been passionate about anything I've done yet. I'm a depressed student with body image issues who uses humor to hide my feelings and snarkiness as a way to get over my own incompetencies.

Is how I sometimes feel, and in fact is the feeling that I am most familiar with. I remember having felt passionate about life for some moments, but I don't remember how or why. I love reading JonsDragonEyes posts because she reminds me of what I have felt even when I don't immediately feel it:

No matter what the key to life and happiness is holding on. No matter how hard it is.

As I was sitting outside today I seen this huge flock of birds that looked like dozens of them all together flying as one. They soared off to the south and then they turned around and flew back towards the west , never once separating. It was so amazing and beautiful and that right there is just one more reason to keep going on day after day no matter how hard things are.

There is a book online: Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I know you are busy, but read the review for the link if you want. I think that you'll see that many others have felt like you, but we have all had to find individual ways to cope with those feelings.


Best Wishes