Advice?

[Stress19]

Warning; mention of self harm and suicide. I don't want to encourage this. Stay strong

Hi everyone

I used places like this regularly for years, from about the age of 14 to 17 I was on antidepressants, saw a doctor, councillor and psychotherapist 3 times a week, depended on websites like this to make me not feel alone. I couldn't cope with life. I hadn't been taught how to deal with my emotions. My mother is abusive, drinks too much, all her benefit money going towards alcohol left us without food and heating. I was a serial self harmer. Every single day for years I cut myself in the morning and at night to help me sleep. I burnt, suffocated and hit myself. I hid this from everyone until my mother found out about my self harm. She was not sympathetic, she'd tell me to get over it, that I didn't have the right to be depressed,

Just before I turned 17 I attempted suicide. I cut my arms ( I still have incredibly bad scars) and took a large quantity of pills. I vomited and passed out. Obviously it didn't go according to plan. I woke up in the ambulance on the way there, completely out of it. The doctor said I was incredibly close, I almost damaged my liver to no repair and had to stay in hospital to fight infection.

I again attempted suicide a few months later and was placed in a psychiatric ward at a hospital. After this I went to live with a different family member which improved my quality of life.Life has improved. In the two years since my suicide attempt I have gotten a job, my own house, study at college and a loving partner.

I was so happy. I'm not clinically depressed anymore. But I hate my job, I come home crying most nights, same with college. I'm studying something I hate and I can't change. My house is not how I'd like it. My partner does not understand my mental illness or the Idea that I can feel down sometimes. I am so stuck in a rut of never being happy. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore and it scares me. I get brief thoughts of suicide, hurting myself. It's so easy to fall back into that when it's all you've known. I've fought so hard to get to this point and it feels like I'm falling back.

I've went well over a year with no therapy or medication or self harm. My family didnt think I had any right to be depressed back then, they'll defenetly think I wont have a right now. I guess I've felt so isolated. So weak. I can feel it because I'm getting to that stage where I don't want to look after myself, I don't want to eat, I haven't been to college in weeks. I so truly believe that other people can beat this, that they are strong. But I can't, I have no ambition. I'm scared. And coming back to these places that I relied on so heavily makes me feel so quilty. I don't even need someone to tell me it's going to be okay, I know that it can be hard and you are all already struggling with so much. I just needed to get it all out.

[100footpole]

Stress19


Before you wrote:

I've went well over a year with no therapy or medication or self harm.

You wrote:

But I hate my job, I come home crying most nights, same with college. I'm studying something I hate and I can't change. My house is not how I'd like it. My partner does not understand my mental illness or the Idea that I can feel down sometimes. I am so stuck in a rut of never being happy. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore and it scares me.

That is certainly how my depression works. My mind is a sneaky thing. The "right things" seem obvious. I do them, and I get the feeling I SHOULD be happy ... but I'm not.

That is your hint that you need to talk to a therapist. There are things going on in our minds that we need to get in touch with. The fact that you are not happy means that there are things that mean a lot to you that you need to be doing, or that may not be as you seem to be processing them.

A therapist can help you identify what you want, and can help you identify where you might not be seeing everything.

I get brief thoughts of suicide, hurting myself. It's so easy to fall back into that when it's all you've known. I've fought so hard to get to this point and it feels like I'm falling back.

I am old: 50+. When I was young people used to say that I had "an old soul." It sounds like you have an old soul too. At 50+ I've had several bouts with my depression, and I know what works for me. Please, try to find another therapist ... maybe you can go through your school ... and try to make a plan for fighting your depression. As I've gotten older and been able to share other's people experiences, and been able to share mine, I realize that I am strong enough to be a "greeter" or "valet" for psychotherapy, but not a "maitre de", a "waiter", a "chef" or an "owner".

That is psychotherapy has helped me, but I've never been able to generalize the advice. You may end up like me: simply "hanging in there", or you may discover meaning from your experiences and be able to change the world.

The meaning from your experiences might just be relief: "I've made it", kind of how I feel, or your feelings maybe telling you "don't settle, you are an important person, and you can make a difference." A therapist can help you discover why those old thoughts are trying to re-assert themselves.

Tell us what happens.

(((Hugs)))