Not Normal

[nenkohai2]

In my journal I drew a diagram of what I felt when I was in a depressive episode. At the top of the page I drew a line from left to right with n arrow pointing right. I wrote "depression" just above the line.

I drew a second line below the first and parallel to it also with an arrow pointing right. Above that I wrote "ecstasy."

I studied this diagram for awhile. Yes, that was accurate. When I am depressed I have this "subtext" of ecstasy. Not all that normal, I know - in that anything folks like us feel is "normal."

Then, a few years later, this past December, I did some work with a trusted intuitive counselor. It was my own choosing to do so. I believe in the possibilities of alternate modalities in trying to understanding myself.

We discussed the "depression/ecstasy" diagram. This made sense, she told me. In a previous life I had been an aesthtic monastic. I traumatized my own body to get closer to God. To what degree that worked as intended, I have no idea. But the karma carried forward. That pervasive sense of unworthiness combined with the self-harm resulted in an ecstasy. It was an accepted practice. The time frame, roughly, would have been the middle ages.

Unenlightened monk. Sad, pathetic monk. He did not know any better. I pray for him. I forgive him.