My story

[MrFeatherpants]

I am a 18 years old soon to turn 19 guy, I have been depressed for about 5 years I'm gonna tell my story and try to mention as much as possible. English isnt my first language so I will have problems expressing myself and what not.

I feel lonely, Feel like im never gonna accomplice anything, feel like ive wasted my youth and everyday is boring, tiresome. I have no talents. I have never kissed a girl.

As a kid from as early as i can remember i had 1 friend who i hung out with, I enjoyed his company and liked playing together with him, however as I was awfully shy i did not dare to be the one to ask if he wanted to play together so on days when we had no kindergarten or school i was playing by myself hoping he would call our phone. Years went by and when I was about 12 we had drifted apart. Ever since I was very little I was mostly by my own so with all that freetime I usually played videogames alone in my room. I remember classmates talking about going to the movies together, I was jealous, why did they not invite me? I'm not sure where im going with this story but im basically saying that as a kid I had 1 friend, we grew apart and slowly I started feeling more down, lonely. I could always talk to people during school hours but i never met anyone after school.

Now im soon to be 19, have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend and for about 7 years now havnt had a real friend. Right now i feel like my home, my room is a prison. my parents are the wardens with them around i just feel more confined. My dad and i have never really gotten along, we have fought or anything in a while we just don't talk to eachother. My mother on the other hand wants me the best and she is the only I speak somewhat openly with, but I ... I mean I appreciate her, she wants to help but i just can't enjoy her company going bowling etc I mean she my mom she not my friend. Talking about the prison that is my room, I wanna get out and do stuff, but i don't know how, thats what I want, a friend who takes me out and does stuff with me. A friend that stays at my house and watches series together or just talk, openly about everything. Sure having a girlfriend or boyfriend would have been nice but more than anything I have just wanted a friend that truly loves me and wants to be with me.

For a bit over 2 years I've had a crush on this one girl, I guess you could call it more than a crush, I truly love her but obviously it's onesided. Seing her pictures on social media when she's out drinking and what not makes me feel really sad, jealous. Why can't she invite me to one of these things?

I repeated a year because I started skipping school too much and that made me feel even worse, things like feeling that i've wasted my youth, and one more year stuck here in this hellhole. It was also something i feel really selfconcious about. School isnt going that great, I do "alright" but i never study and i have no future aspirations of what i want to become. All I know about the future is i want to get away, i want to move to another country I wanna travel the world. But I can't see myself getting there, to do that you need good money, a good education, a job, social skills, companions.

I do not think that I'm all that ugly but not having any girlfriend or boyfriend makes you second guess yourself. Thats why I feel really insecure about the way i look. There are times I have been fat in my life and times i have been skinnier. 2 years ago for example i weighted 135kg
then by skipping meals only i went down to 85kg. I can't keep myself from eating but i wanna be skinny, seing my belly is the biggest turnoff and I want to become skinny simply because I wanna look that way not because i think other think i look nice that way, but i cant keep myself from eating junkfood. Recently i shaved my whole body, I'm a very hairy person. I liked it ... I don't really know who I am.

I have always been alone. Even though I used to be lonely, I still enjoyed the time i spent alone. watching series or playing video games. Nowadays i just sit around at the computer browsing the webs. Can't enjoy myself, I wanna be watching series but I dont know if its lazyness but i just get tired of looking up new ones, geting into a show, see myself thorugh watching it and I end up doing nothing.

My social skills are very bad. I have trouble expressing myself, one of the everyday fears i have is getting school lunch because we cant serve ourselves we have a foodlady giving us the food, telling her what food I want, how much etc, I often end up with too much food or not what i wanted.

So when it comes to suicide ... What has "kept me going" is hoping that things are gonna change, turn out better, well ... it still hasnt in fact its gotten worse and worse over these past years. I have thought to myself "wouldn't it be nice to just die". But i have never attempted suicide. The main reason is im scared, scared of the pain, scared of dying.

So that was my rambling I probably left out a lot of things, Some things probably didn't come out right. For the future I guess I will keep going on as i always have, hoping that things change for the better, but they better change soon, cuz im tired of crying myself to sleep, screaming cuz im not able to cope with my feelings.

[100footpole]

Hi Mrfeatherpants,

Please look at lots of the threads on here. They can show you that "You are not alone." But, that's not enough is it?

There is one awesome lesson in your post, that I hope I can share with you. When you write:

I repeated a year because I started skipping school too much and that made me feel even worse, things like feeling that i've wasted my youth, and one more year stuck here in this hellhole.

The lesson is "There is no easy way.". Please know that alcohol or drugs can hide your bad feelings, like skipping school did, but that reality will always be there, and each time you encounter it you WILL feel even worse ... until you "bottom out".

Once you accept "there is no easy way", then it is up to you to find the path out of your environment. By the way, although I can remember exactly how you feel about your wasted youth at 19, at 59 I can tell you that I was still young 20 years ago.

You mentioned bowling in your post. Are there bowling leagues you can get to? That seems like a great place to start meeting new people. My other advice to you would be to look for better bowlers, try to learn from them, and just offer other bowlers encouragement, not lessons.

Your post was really good. Please write again.