Sharing my story

[Polo1211]

Hi Everyone! I'm new on here and just wanted to share my story with some people who may be going through similar experiences. My mental health worker keeps telling me I'm not the only one to feel this way yet I've yet to meet anyone that does. So here is my story:

My mum left my dad to raise me and my sister when I was very young as she met somebody else. This somebody else used to shout at me for the littlest things and publicly humiliate me, yet my mum always took his side and would make me apologise when I got upset. Apparently I was an awful child when I was really young and I believe that's part of what drove my mum away. School had some good parts but I suffered a lot of bullying, both in person and cyber bullying, some from people I considered to be friends at the time. I often spent a lot of time on my own whilst dad was at work and my older sister was at her boyfriends. I had a failed year at university where I spent my entire student loan on drinking and partying, I used to get so drunk I would wander off (I was in a big city and had no idea where I was going) and have panic attacks, a couple of times my friends found me and once I got picked up by a taxi who took me home.I have had a few different menial jobs in the time between my spell at University and now, but nothing that challenges me or excites me. I know I am a really intelligent person who had the chance to do something great and I blew it.

I really struggle to meet girls and on a lot of the times I do pluck up the courage to talk to any I often get shot down and sometimes they look at me like I'm the ugliest thing they've ever seen. I once got set up on a blind date, I thought it went well but when I got home I had a text that said 'I remember why I wanted to stay single now'. I have had some relationships, mostly bad and none of which have lasted more than 6 months. I paid for one girlfriends rent, got her heaters and fixed her bathroom so her and her daughter didn't go without. She cheated on me and dumped by facebook message. A few months later I bumped into her on a night out with my best friend of 10 years, I popped to the toilet and when I came back they were kissing each other and he knew what she had done to me. Another girlfriend had to have hospital treatment and was in for a week. I got an hour long train to and from the hospital everyday to see her and make sure she had everything she needed and helped to look after her daughter. The day she got out of hospital she called to say it was over.

I was never a very confident kid and this has only got worse through these experiences, to the extent where I panic about the smallest things and walk around with knots in my stomach. I constantly fear my girlfriend will walk out on me as I have such a low opinion of myself that I don't know what she sees in me. I really hate myself and I cant stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I feel completely pathetic and worthless, I never fit in, I'm never noticed and I'm always the one that gets forgotten and trodden all over. At one point I was a positive, outgoing and fun person but I've seen the world for what it is and I'm not sure I want to be part of it or share it with the people that inhabit it. Thoughts of self harm and suicide have been very strong recently, I'm managing these with my mental health worker but I am sick and tired walking round feeling this way. I feel like I need to escape but I cant see anyway out.

The reason I'm posting is I want to know if anyone feels the same way as me? Or has anyone had similar experiences? I'm hoping it might help to talk to people who do feel the same. I try talking to my dad and girlfriend and although they try they see it as I'm choosing to feel this way not that I have an illness.

[virtualhope]

I'm so sorry for the rejection and pain you've experienced in your personal life. Lack of acceptance is hard to deal with, but it is something that almost everyone goes through at some point in their life. We all have different looks, personalities and gifts that the world needs. There is something to love in each of us, and there is someone designed especially for the uniqueness in all of us.

Although people can be mean and negative throwing insults that demean and rip others apart, I believe in a God who makes no mistakes and who has crafted all of us wonderfully in His own image.

I hope that you will begin to accept and love yourself as you were created and recognize the greatness in you and the value that you bring to the world. When that happens, I believe you will begin to view life differently and feel different, and you'll begin to have new experiences with more positive outcomes. So please stay encouraged and don't lose hope. I'll be praying for you.

[specter]

This thread is the perfect example as to why people develop mental illness in the first place. It seems that all too often people neglect to think about the impact their actions and words have on other people!

The people you grew up with treated you like dirt. It's reasonable for you to have the emotions that you have. There is nothing wrong about you feeling the way you do. The only bad part is how you have been affected by these emotions because of the way you were treated. It happens to a lot of people who develop depression and other related mental illnesses. You are entitled to your feelings. Please don't forget that. There are times when I forget that, but I try to remind myself that I am, in fact, 100% entitled to how I feel. Always. No matter what.

... I apologize on behalf of the people who were cruel to you. They had no excuse. Instead of recognizing why they feel the way they do and handling it in a non-abusive way, they instead decided to "take it out on" you. Your feelings were neglected by people you depended on. It was hurtful. It was not OK.

I'm sorry if I'm coming on too strongly, but it upsets me to read about other peoples' mistreatment. I still go thru it too.

*hugs* I don't want to become preachy or give advice, but I want you to be OK. ... I want everyone, at some point thru all of this, to come out of it OK. It might be wishful thinking, but that's how I feel.

*hugs, again* : (

BTW, I have some sort of affinity for people from the UK. I have/(had?) an online acquaintance from the UK whom I haven't spoken to in ... probably about a year ... and he was a lovely conversationalist. I can communicate well with people from that country, it seems. ... Just wanting to lay something positive on the table. There is a sort of "vibe" that makes the UK and people from there feel cozy and comforting. I really, really love that.

Only being positive. That's all, no hidden intentions.

[Polo1211]

Thank you for your kind words. I know I'm not the only one to experience these things but i just find it so difficult to cope with and can't find any love for myself.

I'm not a religious person myself but have often thought about the concept. I am jealous of your faith and the positivity it can bring, I wish i had some! Thank you for praying for me, I genuinely appreciate it and its a very kind thing to do.

I'm so sorry for the rejection and pain you've experienced in your personal life. Lack of acceptance is hard to deal with, but it is something that almost everyone goes through at some point in their life. We all have different looks, personalities and gifts that the world needs. There is something to love in each of us, and there is someone designed especially for the uniqueness in all of us.

Although people can be mean and negative throwing insults that demean and rip others apart, I believe in a God who makes no mistakes and who has crafted all of us wonderfully in His own image.

I hope that you will begin to accept and love yourself as you were created and recognize the greatness in you and the value that you bring to the world. When that happens, I believe you will begin to view life differently and feel different, and you'll begin to have new experiences with more positive outcomes. So please stay encouraged and don't lose hope. I'll be praying for you.

[Polo1211]

Hi thank you for taking the time to read through my post and sending me this message, it means a lot that you would do that and you are right people don't realise how much of an impact their words and actions effect people. We are not all the same and I think sometimes people forget that.

I'm starting to see things differently. I was brought up that thoughts and feelings just weren't shared and often made to feel that being upset was a sign of weakness. I've kept so much bottled up for so long and its only now I feel that i can talk about it (only on here and with my mental health nurse though, not ready for friends and family!). Unfortunately through my experiences there is a lot to get out and revisiting some of the old memories has been tough.

Thank you for everything you've said, you haven't come on too strong or anything and it has helped to hear that you can see how this has happened. I am in turn sorry to hear that you still go through this too so here is a *hug* back to you. Its been good talking to people on here who can fully appreciate what you are going through but also sad to know there are so many people who suffer.

Well on behalf of the UK thank you! Although i can assure you that not everyone over here would be that way. I've only spoken to a few americans before and I've always found them to be welcoming and quite enthusiastic and passionate people. I am all for making new acquaintances so feel free to drop me a PM anytime if you wanted to talk about what you are going through or just about anything really, I'm always good for a chat!

Thank you again for your reply and reading my post, I genuinely really appreciate it.

This thread is the perfect example as to why people develop mental illness in the first place. It seems that all too often people neglect to think about the impact their actions and words have on other people!

The people you grew up with treated you like dirt. It's reasonable for you to have the emotions that you have. There is nothing wrong about you feeling the way you do. The only bad part is how you have been affected by these emotions because of the way you were treated. It happens to a lot of people who develop depression and other related mental illnesses. You are entitled to your feelings. Please don't forget that. There are times when I forget that, but I try to remind myself that I am, in fact, 100% entitled to how I feel. Always. No matter what.

... I apologize on behalf of the people who were cruel to you. They had no excuse. Instead of recognizing why they feel the way they do and handling it in a non-abusive way, they instead decided to "take it out on" you. Your feelings were neglected by people you depended on. It was hurtful. It was not OK.

I'm sorry if I'm coming on too strongly, but it upsets me to read about other peoples' mistreatment. I still go thru it too.

*hugs* I don't want to become preachy or give advice, but I want you to be OK. ... I want everyone, at some point thru all of this, to come out of it OK. It might be wishful thinking, but that's how I feel.

*hugs, again* : (

BTW, I have some sort of affinity for people from the UK. I have/(had?) an online acquaintance from the UK whom I haven't spoken to in ... probably about a year ... and he was a lovely conversationalist. I can communicate well with people from that country, it seems. ... Just wanting to lay something positive on the table. There is a sort of "vibe" that makes the UK and people from there feel cozy and comforting. I really, really love that.

Only being positive. That's all, no hidden intentions.

[specter]

I'm starting to see things differently.

This can help you so much. Keep going. <3

Its been good talking to people on here who can fully appreciate what you are going through but also sad to know there are so many people who suffer.

Been feeling this way today. Same exact thought that went thru my mind.

Although i can assure you that not everyone over here would be that way.

I grew up going to school with an older kid who was from the UK. She moved to the States. This girl did not like me at all. Unfortunately, I liked her, mostly because of her accent; a British accent sounds like they care, even if they really don't. And this person told me, several times, in fact, that they hated me, would always hate me, and no matter what I did, would hate me until the day I died. That's a remarkably hurtful thing to say to someone, especially someone who is so very hypersensitive as myself, and someone who has also been through more abuse than she can even remember. I still believe ... and truly feel ... and fear ... that I'm unlovable, valueless, and that I should just give up on life. The worst part? The idea doesn't upset me anymore, but instead brings me peace and a mild, pleasant happiness. Might be better that way.

It's just the accent. That one girl hated me. UK people online, however, haven't been that way with me. Strange.

... I still miss her. Not sure why. Probably the fact that I want what I can't have.

*many more hugs* Thank you for the offer. <3

[100footpole]

Nothing to add but:


((((Hugs)))) to you both.

[Polo1211]

Thank you for taking the time read my story and *hugs* to you too

[virtualhope]

The great thing about my faith is that it’s free and available to anyone. I believe in the words of Jesus, who said “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”

[100footpole]

Vitualhope,

In a former life I used to write computer software. Programmers can be very difficult people, because they see the world using the rules and language they were originally given.

If you can look up the difference between the Internet and "Web 2.0". For the internet people just broadcast information and forms. For "web 2.0" you have pieces that change and can be included in other places ... think of the little icon to "like things" on facebook.

Don't keep your light under a basket, but make sure the coastline is safe before you shine it out to sea.

Best wishes

[100footpole]

Saddest attempt at social engineering I've ever seen.