Does anyone truly care?

[Lustat]

There's a good chance that nobody will read this, and if they do, they probably won't care. But I feel like I need to share this.. Even if it doesn't matter to anybody...

I was diagnosed with an extremely rare type of social anxiety known as Selective Mutism when I was only four years old. This specific kind of anxiety affects less than 1% of the world's population today.. I just happened to be unlucky enough to be born with this disorder.
My father was a very abusive and bipolar man, but he was a great father. We could all be laughing and having fun one minute, then the next he'd be screaming and beating my mother in front of my two younger sisters and I. As soon as he realized what he had done, he tried to do anything he could to make it better. Anything but get help. He couldn't admit to himself that he was teaching his daughters that it was okay for a man to hit them. This was all very hard for me to process, for I am a huge daddy's girl. He was put in prison a few years ago for sex with a minor.. Although this all makes him seem like a terrible man, he took care of us a lot better than my mother ever did.
She moved us all away from my father when I was 11, despite my protests. I knew she needed to get away from him but I didn't understand why I needed to leave too. I was moved in with my mom's boyfriend, who had two kids of his own. My mother and her boyfriend were always locked in their bedroom doing "grown up things". At 11 years old I basically became the mother of four kids much younger than I, two of which I barely knew. This only lasted a few months, for I moved back in with my father the second I was given the choice. He went to court to get full custody of my siblings and I, my mother didn't even care enough to show up.
At 12 years old, I was ripped away from my terrible childhood (if that's what you could call it) and was sent to live with my grandmother. That was the night my father was locked up.
On top of all of this, I was molested when I was only seven, my innocents stripped away from me. I never told my family about it. Today, nine years later, nobody in my family knows.
At 13 I turned to cutting to help ease my emotional pain.. When it started, I thought it would only be temporary, I never thought I would let razor blades and fake smiles run my life..
It wasn't until I was 15 that I was diagnosed with severe depression. Everyday is a constant battle. Even just simple tasks like getting out of bed or bathing is like pulling teeth for me. I have now started looking into jobs and when applying it's still extremely hard for me to accept the fact that the issues I've always had to deal with are actual disorders.. I guess I've always known it but it never really hit me until then....
Now, at 16 years old, I already have colleges looking into me. I have an awesome boyfriend who does anything an everything he can to keep me happy and safe. I know I'm loved and I know I have it better than a lot of people, but there are times when life gets to be too much. When I have to pull out that old razor and let my blood flow as contentment washes over me. It's not how I want to live, I want to be able to wear little bikinis and show off my curves without being ashamed of the little white lines covering my body.
I have made it this far in life. My body is 16, but my soul is ancient. I've lived through more than I should have had to, but I wouldn't give my experiences up for anything, not even a perfect life. I am who I am because of all of these events. And you know what? I'm pretty proud of who I have grown up to be.

If you've made it this far on this post, thank you for caring enough to read through all of that, even if you only read bits and pieces. It feels great to get all of that off of my chest.. Feel free to email me and share your life story. I promise, there will be no judging and I'll listen to anything you have to say. And just keep in mind, though it may be stormy now, it can't rain all the time. <3

[specter]

That's a good question.

See, the thing is, people tend to see their subconscious aspects reflected into the people around them. This means that there are aspects of them that they reject and see as "bad", so, in their mind, it couldn't possibly be "them". Then there are aspects of themselves that they relate to on a positive level, so those experiences can be registered as mostly positive. ... It's because of this that ... I don't really know if I can believe someone would "truly care". If everything they see in other people is only a reflection of what's in their subconscious, can their interactions ever be solely about another person entirely?

I have had symptoms of what feels like Selective Mutism ... but I'm not confident that that's what it is. I was given a diagnosis by a psychiatrist around the ages 19 to 21, but as time went by, I started to associate these symptoms with my Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's possibly that what's happening is an alter ego that I developed is switching with me, and it's only a baby with no conscious ability to communicate. ... Then again ... I don't know.

You're not alone on these forums. I still self-harm too, just not with the method that you described. It's too hard to function some days.

*hugs*

[100footpole]

Lustat,

People have read your post 47 times ... Maybe 48.

I tried self-harm from the time I was 15 to the time I was 25. I regret having given into the urge because it didn't really help. I find that exercise has been the best way to release those feelings ... But it is hard. Can you put up little blocks between yourself and the urge ... first maybe try listening to a relaxation tape to see if that doesn't kill the urge. Next, try the relaxation, and then the exercise.

It's nice that you have "an awesome boyfriend who does anything an everything he can to keep me happy and safe." Does he know about the self-harm?

If you go to college there are going to be a lot of changes ... Be careful that you don't get into a cycle that sustains the harm.

These are just my ideas ... lots of us have read what you wrote ... many of us don't know what to say.

[100footpole]

Does anyone know how to get a user banned from the forums?