Depression Understood Forums

Hi,

My name is Jude and i am 35yo. For the last 5 years I have been staying away from my home country and although my wife has been around most of the time but not all the time. I met my wife 13 years back when I started my professional career and 3 years into the relationship we got married. Before marriage we were staying together for almost 2 years which helped us to strengthen our relationship and understanding.

After 4 years of marriage my wife sent me overseas to get a management degree, which I completed and post that got a job. I have been working overseas since then (its over 5years now). My wife has been travelling in and out very frequently and there are very long patches of time that i am left alone to mend for myself.

Recently I started working with a female, Carol, who is in the same situation as I and we share a lot in common. We have very similar personalities and approach all problems in a very similar way. It sometimes feels like she is my female clone. We work very closely with each other and have been interacting with each other for over a year. Carol has been very friendly and protective towards me all this time and she has always helped me and I have helped her in any manner we can. We are both very supportive of each other.

I recently resigned from my current workplace for a new and better opportunity. When Carol learned about my resignation she became very emotional and I could see that she was very sad about the whole thing. Since the day Carol has known about my leaving she has been behaving in a very different manner, she is sometimes is very friendly and other times she will ignore me as I never existed. I recently confronted Carol and asked her as to what was wrong and she told me that she is not able to accept that I am going away. She told me that she is feeling very lonely from the inside as she won't be able to talk to me or see me on a daily basis. She said that I am always on her mind and she can't stop thinking about me.

I have a feeling that Carol is attracted to me and I am worried that this will cause a friction in her already fragile married life. She recently told me that being with her husband is very stressful as he has a tendency to pile things on her. She said that she admires me for having a very positive attitude and caring nature.

Over the last 1 month I have felt a lot depressed with this and want to know what I can do to steer away from this. My wife is also away for 3 months which is making it all the more difficult for me to cope with the current stress. I read a lot of books and I am trying to keep myself engrossed in books, but with each day it is becoming difficult to handle Carol's emotions. I still have almost 15 days to my notice period before I join the new company. I want to calm things down for both of us before I leave or else I am worried that it might not be good for either of us. Carol is a good person and I do not want to lose her but at the same time if I try to help her she gets more emotional.

Please help.

Thanks
Jude Rosario

I would have a hard time living with myself if I gave in to the attraction.

I had a "work wife" in the '90s. Our relationship was very much like the one that you described. After I left the company I emailed my "work wife" less and less frequently, and about a year later I ran into her at lunch some place, with her new "work husband". She was also still married to her old husband who I began to feel very sorry for.

A big complaint I have about posts on here is that they are like story fragments. This is a great place to put down your thoughts, and if you remain interested you can come back and see what other people think. Very few people stay on here for a long time to say this is what I did, and now I feel so much better. When you make your choice try to resolve and tell us how things are working out for you after 1, 4, 12 years.

Thanks for an interesting post

Yeah, agree with you, it would difficult if one gives into the attraction. I feel it is just a passing phase.

As working professionals we spend most of the day at workplace and tend to get pulled towards colleagues who seem to be going through the same situation. We need to draw the line somewhere and move on.

The reason I feel bad is because sometimes people go into a state of Limbo and although you want to help, it goes beyond your control.

I will try and keep this post updated as much as possible.

Thanks for the reply.

Jude,

It sounds like you've gotten yourself into what seems like an emotional affair. I understand the allure when you spend more time with Carol than your own wife, but for the sake of both of your families this thing needs to be cut off. Your response of "I do not want to lose her" seems like a typical reaction to enjoying your time with Carol and wanting that to continue versus leaving the "work relationship" and focusing on things in your own marriage. If you need someone to talk to I know of some counselors that have had experience with this type of thing. If you want to PM I would be more than happy to help, if not, please know that I am praying for you and your marriage. God bless.

Hello Jude,

I have been where you are. The difference is that I did act on the feelings of attraction. It was the worst decision I made in my entire life.

Yes, it feels wonderful to have a woman (I am hetero) notice you, take interest, and express feelings for YOU. Makes you feel wonderful... at the time. The specifics of my situation were much different than yours. But after I ended my affair (staying with my wife and family) I fell into a deep depressive state. My anxiety shot through the roof that led to a hormone imbalance (cortosol in your system all the time is bad for your whole body).

I lost all sense of balance in my life. It's only now returning. That was almost 4 years ago.

All that said, please understand, that was MY experience - I'm quite sure yours has a whole other dynamic. In the end, it's all your decision. For myself, knowing the level of pain I caused all involved, I will never do that again.

Best of Hope to you