Overwhelming sadness and depression about my kids growing up

[testudo]

Hello,

I am a little embarrassed writing this. I know it's weird because there isn't anyone on here who knows me personally. Anyhow, I know that I will not make it through this post without losing it and blubbering like a baby.

I am a 39 year old stay at home dad with a 4 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. My daughter is in daycare and my son stays at home with me. My daughter stayed at home with me until she was 2. I am also a veteran diagnosed with PTSD, so I am sure some of this stems from what I have been going through.

Now that the introduction is over, I will move on to what is really bothering me lately. I have become overwhelmed with this sad and depressing feeling about my kids growing up, especially my daughter. She is my first born and the love of my life. I have always have felt a little sad when thinking about it, but this year after her birthday and the holiday season, I cannot seem to get it together.

Not only the holidays, but my daughter's birthday is on Thanksgiving (well, she was born on Thanksgiving), my wife's birthday is on Christmas Day and my son's birthday is on Jan. 05. It is like going at 100 MPH and then a complete stop. It is and absolutely horrible feeling.

I haven't felt it this bad until this year. My little girl is now 4 and my little boy just turned 1. I am so depressed I cannot wrap my head around why. Everything around my house is intertwined from the past four years. I cannot pass pictures, art work, look at videos, watch certain movies, listen to certain songs, go into a bedroom or just even think about anything without totally and utterly breaking down. It starts first thing in the morning and goes all day. It is overwhelming and crippling.

I feel that I have missed everything that I am remembering, but I was there. I know that doesn't make any sense, but neither does the way I am feeling. I have nothing but happy memories to remember. It is driving me crazy!

Just over a week ago, I was suddenly hit with this feeling that I couldn't shake. I tried to do things to keep my mind busy and playing with my son helped a bit (doesn't help that the look almost exactly alike and they play with the same toys and watch the same shows lol)...that is until I put on a show that we watch and the my daughter and I used to watch (Baby Einstein). I felt the tears build up.

I put my son in his crib to take a nap and went into my daughter's room to clean it. I started picking up and putting things away. I picked up a little pink woven fedora and that was it, I lost it (yep, I am tearing up already). It continued all day long.

All I could think about is how much time has passed, how I miss all of the things she used to do, the things she does now, how much I want that back and how I cannot deal with this growing up thing.

I mean, simple little things like the way her curly blonde hair would wildly bounce as she ran clumsily down the hall. The first time she said "I wub you.", and da-da. Her first dance recital at 2 years old where after wards she walked to the end of the stage and yelled out to me that she did it. She couldn't even see me, but she knew I was out there somewhere. The first time I asked her to slow down growing up and she responds with, "I am sorry da-da, but I have to grow up and be big." Okay, okay...I will stop. I think you all get the idea.

I keep thinking that I will never get those times back and it is really depressing and sad. They should be happy memories and I really want them to be and I don't know why the feeling completely overwhelms me. It is really hard to walk around the house because everything from the past 4 years are intertwined around the house. I mean, everything from photo books to artistic creations are everywhere around the house.

Of course, I want my kids to grow up and grow up right, responsible and independent and I think that we are doing everything we can to make it happen, but I really didn't think it would be this hard. I have talked to my wife about it and she is great and understanding. She says she felt the same way when our daughter was born. She went through some horrible baby blues.

Luckily, she still needs help with bath and bedtime. She always wants be to stay in with her, sleep on me, rub her back or come out in the living room and sit with me until she falls asleep. My wife and I try to have a routine, and it work until she was about 2 1/2, but it is really tough to get her to go to bed and my wife always puts her back in the room and tells her to go to bed. Me? Well, I just told my wife that I didn't know how much longer she would want to do all of that and I want to enjoy it while I can. I know that we need structure and discipline, but it is tough.

I guess there is just something about my first child. Maybe there is a special bond there between me and my little girlie-pies. I know, I know...but that is the first nickname that I gave her when she was born and it stuck lol.

I used to be a pretty positive guy, but that changed after my service...I guess. I think that it is why it is hitting me harder than I ever thought it would. I really feel like my insides are just dying.

I don't know. I guess I am wondering if anyone here has experienced this type of feeling and would care to share how it was dealt with.

Okay. This has gone of for a while and it could go longer, so I will stop here. If you made it this far, applaud for reading and I thank you in advance for any and all help, advice and suggestions.

[100footpole]

Thanks for posting.

You are right, thinking about the future can be a scary thing, and it sounds like PTSD has given you anxiety.

I wish I had some advice to give you, I have nothing, except to say keep trying, and keep writing. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person. My wfie and I had only one child because her post-partum depression was so bad. I'm glad you've been blessed with two.

There are lots of positives in your life, and they came out in your letter, but I can also see you worried that it will all go away. All I can say is that, for me, worry is a self-fullfilling prophecy. I like to picture it in the corner, where I tell it to stay, while I do what I can.