Paranoid of people and never good enough

[jade87]

Umm hi,

I am a new forum user.

I am writing this for advice and for a little self comfort. I am always in a state of worry and it is ruining me. I have turned to alcohol to drown the stress of constantly worrying about what people think of me and I think that is a sign that this is the beginning of a downward spiral.

I wake up everyday thinking I am a failure and never good enough. Whether it is the way I look, dress, or not being smart enough, I am not happy.

I hate being shy, but its so hard to fit in and be accepted by people. I have a strong paranoia towards what people think of me. I guess you can call it social anxiety.

I was bullied a lot in school for being a tom boy and for my stupidity in class. I never had a best friend. I've had boyfriends but whenever I've fallen in love, I am never loved back in return. It is very hard for me to maintain relationships. I have not been in one that has lasted over a year and I'm in my mid 20s.

I find people to be disappointing, cruel, jealous, and generally selfish, which i know fuels my social anxiety. I have been hurt so much by people that I feel that if I don't share too much, I'm safe. However, people always misinterpret my fear as snobby, arrogant, or rude which is never my intentions. I wish I could be easily likable but I just never seem to be good enough for people to care, unless they are getting something out of it.

I am writing this because I just never seem to think, act or look like everyone else. Everyone seems to get how to fit in, except me. I don't really know who to confide into about this. My mother always picks at what I'm doing wrong. I never seem to impress her. She rarely compliments me, she usually criticizes me on how I dress. She talks down to me and makes me feel miserable about myself the majority of the time and my dad treats me like I'm stupid and can't do anything by myself.

I have gone to a therapist about my social anxiety and she did nothing for me. She seemed more interested in getting her money at the end of every session rather than actually caring for what I have to say.

These feelings of frustration, fear, worthlessness is mentally exhausting and I feel the accomplishments I have made in life are being over shadowed by my inability to just be a happy person.

If you have read all this, thank you for taking the time. This vent has made it easier for me to sleep tonight.

[baffin]

You know, you will never be like anyone else, and people will always disappoint you. God made you very special - you are His unique creation! He loves you whether you know Him or not. If you keep trying to fit in, and be like everyone else - IMO you are doomed to fail. Is there a pastor you can talk to? You mentioned you had tried counseling - but maybe you could try it again with someone else. If you like i can give you a phone number.

[Helloraspberries]

Your really not on your own. Trust me! It sounds like you could of been hanging out with the wrong people all this time to make you feel as you feel now. You said you got bullied at school and that could be a trigger, the next thing you said was your mum not being too kind to you and for other people to pick up on the fact your shy may think you are too good for anyone else because you dont give them the time of day to try and talk to you.

All of that is complete rubbish! It's not you at all what's the problem. It sounds like you have gone with the wrong people and you could never be yourself around them as you hoped to be.

Not everyone in life is the same. We all have different qualities from one another. Sometimes it can be hard when we arnt so good as the next person and that can make us compare to others but deep down its not about saying were not good enough because that's so untrue. We are just as good enough and we are all have different qualities.

I think you maybe just be suffering from self confidence and you need someone right now to either give you that confidence back or to find it within yourself to know that your wanted like the rest.

If your finding that your social anxiety is stopping you to do most things then maybe take some time for yourself and ask why you suffer this way? what triggers these thoughts to come up in the first place? Who do you think was or is not helping and what can you do about it? You may find just asking yourself these questions can open to your feelings and thoughts and maybe your start looking at gbhbds differently.

Just remember that your not the only one going through problems and I believe that if you can't sort your own problem out then someone else can

Please keep reaching out x

[specter]

I'm convinced that it's a matter of certain areas attracting specific people with specific personality traits. Some of those traits can be emotionally grating. The people, verbally acidic. It took me a while to figure out that there is a lack of self-awareness in people who have those mannerisms. I don't think it's a matter of paranoia at all ... and that you are correct in the way you feel ... but that there are probably ... better? ... places that have soft people instead of hard people to interact with on a regular basis.

Soft people are nice. I could use more soft people in my life than hard people. Hard people can chafe your feelings. Soft people are less likely to do that.

[100footpole]

There are lots of layers to your advice.

I think writing thoughts down makes it easier to get a view of what is going on around you. It empowers you to become proactive with respect to handling hard people vs. soft people. You are right, you need to maximize softness in your life. Part of that is cutting hard people out of your life, which is hard to do when they are manipulating you and you feel miserable.

We want to believe in the best from other people, and we want to believe in the best of ourselves. Writing things down helps you to decide on strategies for getting well, and then testing them and documenting the results.

A place to do this might be on this board ... its hidden as long as your login is safe, you can reflect on your thoughts before you post, and other people will give you feedback.

[specter]

I really do think I'm naturally a reflective person?

It's funny that you bring up writing. A lot of other people (not you), in the past, have been very obsessive and forceful over the idea of trying to get me to write. I was once very, very good at it. I made good grades and enjoyed writing lengthy essays. There was a period in my life where I wanted to be a writer, but as the years went on, I started to become tired of writing. I even ended up loathing it. The reason I post on this forum is to get the feelings out, which is all fine and well because everyone does it, but as far as using tool as a method to enhance my self-reflection ... well ... it isn't needed. I am a deeply pensive person ... who just-so-happens to strongly dislike writing, despite having once enjoyed it before.

I've witnessed and experienced some sick things, and writing (somehow?) reminds me of it. Processing it? Nonetheless, I'm not at all willing to go there.

By the way, what I typed wasn't something I consider advice, but I can understand where you see that. I was simply sharing my perspective and trying to relate to someone I feel has gone thru what I still sort of deal with on a daily basis. I don't think the person should do anything I tell them to do at all. That person should follow their heart or their mind and make their own choices. I really am no person to give anyone advice because I'm a hermit with so much baggage, it's hard for me to relate to people in the first place. ... I try, anyway.

My perception of myself is that I am a highly unusual person who is difficult to understand and relate to. Not sure if anyone else happens to think that or not, but that is how I perceive myself.

I feel that ... there are people in different places with a different outlook on life and an entirely different way of treating themselves and others. My personal perspective is that I would like to be around those people ... and I cannot speak for anyone else. Besides, sometimes all a person might need is a confidence boost, so I can't speak for the OP or anyone else. I can only speak for me.

[100footpole]

Specter,

Thanks for the new signature text!

Hope you don't mind.

[specter]

You're welcome. It's a link, plus I like the fact that it changes colors to grey when you hover over it. Fits the mood.