Depression Understood Forums

Well.. how to say this.. self harming wasn't se clear to me until the age of 13.

before that age I self harmed without knowing. for example.:
hitting my head against the walls.
falling off things on purpose.
since I had a weak immune system I would do things to get myself ill on purpose.
I would refuse to eat until the age of around 7. I had to be force fed until then.
and other things.

some nights I clearly remember being awake staring at the ceiling and wishing I could climb up to the roof and while only looking at the moon, to jump to a deadly fall. that continued for a few years from around the age of 5-7 . I never took up the idea.

later in the years I realised that I didn't need to hurt myself.
others did that for me.
my mothers abuse left marks on my skin anyway.
and my peers on school left marks on my thoughts.

yet sometimes I still found myself doing things that hurt me. such as one time that I cut into mu finger. Id say I didn't mean to.. but once I saw the blood I didn't stop putting the knife deeper.

at the age of 13 I was desperate. my lively image and mask I had put on for years was wearing thin and I needed something.
I needed to calm down.
I had my first breakdown in school that day . cried for a whole hour without reason. so that night. I did what I heard could ease emotional pain. I cut.
it wasn't easy seeing as my tool was a blunt scissor. but I did it anyway. going over the same area as many times as I had to to draw blood. I felt nothing. no physical pain while doing so. only later. halfway through I started feeling

that's how it started. getting worse each year. id acquired a razor not long after my first cut. and that didn't help stop me.

now I'm 17 and still continuing the actions that ease me. cutting is a way to let go. yes its not good. yes ill regret it. but honestly. for someone that wants to die. does it really matter what the future looks like?

my mind is clouded with the thoughts of death and hate towards myself. and all that keeps me alive is self harm at the moment. I don't cut everyday. I don't cut deep.
cutting is not a competition for me. its a pain reliever. it helps me cope.

but lately its been getting hard. lately all I can think about is what if I cut too deep and actually die. I want that to happen. but at the same time. I don't..

it is so sad to read of you at only 17 feeling SO SAD and so hopeless--I'm now 62, but I remember feeling as bad as you from the age of 12 on..I
never got into cutting--maybe I would have if it had been "broadcast"--what I DID do was start DIETING at age 14 (how can you feel FAT at 106 lbs??, but I did, and I'm still dieting almost 50 years later--I also added bulimia in my early 20s--now most of my teeth are under "crowns"--I
wish I had an answer for you--the food trips serve probably the way the cutting does for you--it "puts it off," for me, it distracts me , keeps me busy
w/the food so I don't act on how BAD I feel--I do know that finding these forums recently IS giving me an outlet, and helping me to feel like MAYBE
what I add here is gonna ease someone else's hurt--people who have never felt like this can't seem to help--to them it seems easy: just "will yourself'--"be happy," that just makes me feel like a big failure--that you ARE still here tells me you are STRONG, you've resisted, and anymore I wonder if THAT is the point of enduring the pull to "end it"--that no matter
how bad, we resist, we overcome--I wonder if the "normal, happy" people could resist this--I tend to doubt it--if there IS "GOD," I think he gives this
to those who He knows ARE strong (unlike the "normals")--doesn't stop the depression, but it does make me feel even rather "noble"--please do NOT give in..

I am a 39 year old man and have self harmed in ways to numerous to mention for over 20 years, many downright dangerous. I would certainly never recommend it to others. However, and I know this sounds counter intuitive, for some people self harm can be a help. Not probably the best way of dealing with issues, but certainly something that can atleast force your brain to stop whatever it is doing for an instant. They key things to think about are WHY you are doing it and can you carry on SAFELY.

If your self harm becomes another thing you are ashamed of (And that's certainly been the way i've felt at times) then try and find someone to talk to. It sounds like for you family is out of the question, same as it is for me. But there are plenty of resources out there if you feel ready to look. In a weird way accepting that you are a self harmer, atleast at the moment, can help. There's nothing fundamentally "wrong" with you for this behavior. And guilt will only make it worse.

You maybe need to think if the self harm is feeding your feelings of having no future, or if its a reaction to those feelings. They aren't necessarily linked but it sounds a bit like they are for you (Apologies if I have this wrong). It can be scary to think that your self harm may increase to the point of suicide. For many people they are separate problems, for others they are interlinked. Its pointless people telling you things will get better in the future when you are feeling so bad now, so I won't.

But secondly, and this really is key, please be safe. If you cut yourself clean the wounds. If they are deeper than you intended, bandage them. Avoid escalating into areas of self harm that really will harm you if possible. Because its too easy to carry on down this pathway feeling worse about yourself, hurting yourself more, then feeling even worse. I have learned this to my considerable cost.

I'm not going to say stuffs like 'stop, that's not a way to get over your problems' or 'don't hurt yourself, have you ever thought of how the people who care for you will feel?'. BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. When you already feel ugly, worthless and unwanted. And that all you want is appreciation or for someone to hug you and kiss the pain away just like in the movies... But in reality? YOURE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF SHIT THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT. So cut all you want. I do that everyday too. But I try to stop myself. Because I fear God. I hurt myself but I don't want Him to abandon me too. So, pray to God is all that I can advise you. I can't say that I'm saved cause I'm still depressed and I still cut. But having someone to talk to feels amazing. [/quote]