I don't want to go through this.

[Beth99]

Hey there, so this is kind of weird for me. I never talk to anyone about my feelings. I just kinda feel embarassed, i don't know if that's strange. Also, english isn't my mother language so sorry for mistakes.
So, I'm 15 years old and I'm depressed. I don't want to be, i want to be normal, but I just am.
I've has social phobia since as long as I can remember. Maybe I have aspergers, some of the symptoms fit me and my brother also has autism. Anyways, in the last few months I gained some confidence and I feel more comfortable talking now. I'm okay with most girls in my grade, I have a best friend and three others I'd consider as friends. It's not much but I'm used to that.
So the boys in my grade think I'm weird because for the last years, I didn't talk much. I'd be okay with that, I don't really like them either, , but I hear them making fun of me and it just... hurts what they say. I almost started crying today in math class when I heard one of the guys whispering to the other how he hated me, how I am ugly. In church they argue about who will have to sit next to me. I tried talking to them multiple times, to show them I was normal, but they judge every thing I say and find it funny.
I can't talk about them to my friends because they wouldn't do anything since they all get along.
I know I shouldn't worry about it, but if I am so ugly and weird, I'm never going to find a boyfriend or make new friends at least.
It's just hard to be confident when people tell you that you're a piece of shit everyday.
If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot myself, honestly. Is suicide really that bad?
I thought about changing school, but I don't want to lose my old friends and I'd probably be too shy to make some new ones. Also I don't want to talk to my parents about this.
I don't see hope in this life.
Thanks for reading.

[Hello raspberries]

Hi Beth, I hope your ok?

I'm really sorry that your finding everything tough at the moment. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

You mentioned a lot there about your life which shows why you are crying for help, the answers you want to know, why has this happened to you. Unfortunately, we never know all the answers to everything. However, there maybe an indication to why these things are happening.

Its really good that you have friends there for you and that your not on your own. I understand you don't want to speak to them about those guys you all know.

Only, sometimes it helps to to talk to someone your close to or someone who you don't know. You might find that just talking will help to get things off your chest.

I can promise you that no one is going to judge you and I'm sure how you feel right now is something they can relate to also.

I don't know if you live in the UK but there's a helpline called The Samaritans who are there 24/7 and seven days a week. You might want to look on there website which www.thesmaritans.org or ring them on 0847 90 90 90 and get in touch with them them.

However, in the mean time please do talk to someone about whats going on even if that's a teacher, friend, parent or stranger. It can help to get those feelings off your chest.