scared and alone
Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2015 8:44 pm
Hi!
So I've never done this before, and I have a feeling I'm just about to ramble...
I'm a 28 y/o female, was adopted by my grandparents at the age of 4. Both my biological mother and father have severe mental illnesses. My mother's parents are the grandparents that adopted me therefor I have more contact with my mother than I do father. My mother has been institutionalized for several years and I feel that her current issues are more a result of all the heavy medication she's been fed over the years rather than any organic mental illness she may have. My father thinks he can just come and go in my life as he pleases. Once my grandparents asked to adopt me he basically took off on his on path, calling whenever it was convenient for him, stopping by unannounced only to interrupt our life and routine, never a pleasant visit. Then I went off to college, graduated with a degree and at that time he really started trying to contact me and communicated. I then realized that he was too much for me to handle, there was no real reason for him to be in my life and I began to wonder if he was just looking for a free ride....as if me graduating college meant I was going to be making $$$ and he thought he might benefit from this. I basically told him off and that I had no desire to know him and this turned him crazy on me! For the past 2+ years I've been dealing with harassing emails, texts, phone calls and voice mails. He says some of the most terrible things one human being could possible say to another and then he gets his witts about him and tried to apologize. This vicious cycle has been going on for a couple years now and I just try to block it out of my mind. My real struggle right now is dealing with my aging grandmother, whom I've called mother all of my life. She's been my saving grace and angel from above. She's 79 years old and dealing with a whole list of health problems. I never thought what it would be like to be in this point in life and the reality has just sat in that I am going to loose her at some point. She's all I really have. I think because of my messed up childhood before my grandparents rescued me, I've been very emotionally cut off and I don't make friends easily at all. I'm so scared and already feel alone jsut knowing that she's going to be gone someday. I don't have any friends or family that I can talk about this with, nobody begins to understand these feelings. It takes everything I have just to get up and go to work, then its crying all the way home and straight to bed once I get there. Even if I get help and become not as depressed, I really don't see any point....I don't have anyone to share my happiness or sadness with...should I just do it? do it before my mom goes? If I don't do it now, I think I will as soon as she is gone and I just cant bear to continue living like this.
So I've never done this before, and I have a feeling I'm just about to ramble...
I'm a 28 y/o female, was adopted by my grandparents at the age of 4. Both my biological mother and father have severe mental illnesses. My mother's parents are the grandparents that adopted me therefor I have more contact with my mother than I do father. My mother has been institutionalized for several years and I feel that her current issues are more a result of all the heavy medication she's been fed over the years rather than any organic mental illness she may have. My father thinks he can just come and go in my life as he pleases. Once my grandparents asked to adopt me he basically took off on his on path, calling whenever it was convenient for him, stopping by unannounced only to interrupt our life and routine, never a pleasant visit. Then I went off to college, graduated with a degree and at that time he really started trying to contact me and communicated. I then realized that he was too much for me to handle, there was no real reason for him to be in my life and I began to wonder if he was just looking for a free ride....as if me graduating college meant I was going to be making $$$ and he thought he might benefit from this. I basically told him off and that I had no desire to know him and this turned him crazy on me! For the past 2+ years I've been dealing with harassing emails, texts, phone calls and voice mails. He says some of the most terrible things one human being could possible say to another and then he gets his witts about him and tried to apologize. This vicious cycle has been going on for a couple years now and I just try to block it out of my mind. My real struggle right now is dealing with my aging grandmother, whom I've called mother all of my life. She's been my saving grace and angel from above. She's 79 years old and dealing with a whole list of health problems. I never thought what it would be like to be in this point in life and the reality has just sat in that I am going to loose her at some point. She's all I really have. I think because of my messed up childhood before my grandparents rescued me, I've been very emotionally cut off and I don't make friends easily at all. I'm so scared and already feel alone jsut knowing that she's going to be gone someday. I don't have any friends or family that I can talk about this with, nobody begins to understand these feelings. It takes everything I have just to get up and go to work, then its crying all the way home and straight to bed once I get there. Even if I get help and become not as depressed, I really don't see any point....I don't have anyone to share my happiness or sadness with...should I just do it? do it before my mom goes? If I don't do it now, I think I will as soon as she is gone and I just cant bear to continue living like this.