To be a contradiction

[Alex]

I don't know what to write which is crazy because when I'm trying to sleep and my mind is racing I could give you a novel. I should be good at expressing feelings as I write novels for a living. I love being outside but it's horrible and I hate it. I love being inside but it's stuffy and boring. I love to be around people but I hate being Around people but I don't have to worry much about that.

Growing up in school I was the funny kid people actually told me I would make school fun. If you had a problem and needed a shoulder to cry on I was always there. I was there for them but no one was there for me, my best friends never knew I would cry myself to sleep only to wake off and fight off the demons some more. I was the poster child for 'I didn't know it was that bad.'

To this day my family doesn't know how bad it is, my mom who is my best and only friend knows I do suffer from it as does she and most of the women in my family but she doesn't know that if I had a chance to end it all and NOT hurt a single person then I would.

Writing about my feelings in a word pad doesn't do much for me but this way someone may see. My problems are much more than just loneliness as fantastic as a friend would actually be it would not solve the bigger problems at hand.

So that's everything right now, thank you for your time and try to smile at something. I can't promise it will get better but if you don't do something it will get worse. -Alex