no way out

[alonelyghost]

Re-posted from my facebook account...

"I will share my side of the story in full. Up until now you may have seen the effects, or heard various bits and pieces, so I will do my best to recount them here for theraputic and prosperity purposes. My goal is not to necessarily gain sympathy or to paint myself in a better light than what I actually am as a human being. I am far from perfect, however I am certain that I am not as bad as she made me out to be to several people. Perhaps I just need to justify that to myself, as I am writing this post.

Our marriage was never perfect. Sure, we had good times and many bad, and I tried to keep her happy. Sadly, I do not think she did the same for me.

She told me she needed to watch her dad's cats while he and his wife went out of town. I asked how long they planned on being gone. I was told a week. She had T- pack a bag, and get some toys. After a week, I asked when they planned on coming home. I had recently lost a job, and was looking for work. She said her dad was going to be out of town 2 weeks. (She said she told me that the first time, but she didn't) Another week goes by. In this time, I used my new found freedom to spend time with the dog, and bond with her. Work on my miniature gaming hobby, and watch and eat what I wanted to, and look for work. T and his mom came "home" again and he gathered some more of his toys. She said that they would move back in after I got a job. I understood. So I continued my job search, and was lucky enough to find a job nearby. (More on that later) I informed her and was so happy that they could move back home. It was (what I thought at the time) the best birthday present to her I could give. She said that she thought we got along better when we were apart. I disagreed. The tears started to roll down my cheeks, as I realized that her and T would not be back for a long time.

I just continued to work full time and came home to the dog. Taking care of her and bonding with her. When she was sick, I cared for her, and she slept with me on the couch a few times. I look back and think she missed T and his mom, but also knew that I was broken and I needed her.

Then the day came that I died. I was at work, and most days at work were a challenge. You see I am bi-polar, and suffer from depression. I have ADHD, Anxiety, and OCD. So, here I am working in a job that pays minimum wage, and I struggled to keep the job. In walks a customer and asks for me as I am filing paperwork, and she hands me an envelope. I don't think much of it as she walks out, I open it. What I read made my face grow pale, and the blood rush from my heart. I felt a sharp pain in my soul as I received the paperwork that my wife had filed for divorce. As if that wasn't bad enough. She had also taken out personal protection orders against her and my son. So that meant I couldn't even see him or her to talk to her about it. Also, she included a list of allegations against me. Which include but are not limited to;

Stating I was unpredictable.
Cussing her out during arguments via texts
Being suicidal
Attempting to keep her and my son from going to a birthday party for my son's friend. (My son wanted me there, and she refused to let me go.) She stated I hit the car with a baseball bat, which is insane, because we didn't even own a baseball bat.
She stated that when she was pregnant with our first child, that I repeatedly punched and kicked her stomach causing her to miscarry - which is untrue as I was working 2 full time jobs at the time, the few hours I was around her, I was trying to sleep.
She stated that I caused a violent scene at the hospital when she gave birth to our son. Again, false accusation because she was denying me my rights as a father to be there, but I calmly asked security to take me down to the psych ward so I could talk to someone. The officers report would show I was not violent, and the security footage would show I was not violent.
She said I called her names. (I am ashamed, but I did.)
She said she made me sleep on the couch out of fear for her own safety. Which was not true, she is a hoarder, and the bedroom was so messy I couldn't even walk to my side of the bed anymore. Garbage would pile up all around the room.
All in all she would say that I was abusive, harassing, and unpredicatable. (There was more, but I don't want to list it out here, not because I am trying to hide anything, but because 1.) not sure on the legality of it. and 2.) In the interest of taking a long post and making it a bit shorter.)

So here I was in the back room at work and trying to pull myself together when I called my boss and told her what had happened. She asked if I needed to go home and I said "yes".

I got home, and found that my wife had someone come over and take most of her things out, and taken the dog. My stomach dropped. My one reason for going home everday for the last month and a half was gone. I immediately called my dad and told him. I was sobbing so hard. I wanted to die. My head felt like it was on fire, and about to explode. I filled the bathtub with water, and took out the hairdryer. I stripped down, stepped in, and was ready to turn on the hairdryer and drop it into the water. I didn't. I prayed. I asked God to give me strength. I called the National Suicide helpline. I talked to someone there. (I think his name was Paul) We talked for a long time. I told him that I was away from the water, and I would call my dad to come get me. I moved out then. I had gone back a few times to get a few things, but there are many memories there. Memories of a past life. Playing football in the yard with my son. Watching him ride around on his power wheels jeep everyone chipped in for Christmas for him one year. Sledding down the various hills with him. The long walks we would take as a family to the back of the property. The fireplace where we would sit around the fire as a family. Cooking over an open fire outside. Setting off fireworks. His bed where I tucked him in nightly. Now it sits empty. The house we had shared has remnants of our exsistence, but it stopped being a home the day I died.

I live with my parents now. They need my help sometimes, but my depression from this year's events make it dibalitating sometimes. I can't even pull myself out of bed somedays. Nearly everyday I get up and do some light work around the house, and eat, then around 1:30 or 2:00 in the afternoon I go back to bed and get up around dinner. I eat dinner, play a few games of Tetris, look on facebook, and go back to bed between 7:30-10:00 (usually)

Don't get me wrong, I have friends that I see occassionally, and talk to on the phone every now and then. But the honest truth is, most days I am too afraid to leave the house. In the last few months I have had a couple of panic attacks out in public. I can only attribute this to the day I died last year.

Since then, I gained and lost 3 jobs, started the process to apply for disability, and was able to work on me a bit.

I am still here. I didn't die. I used that as hyperbole. I do know that a part of me died. A major part of my life is gone, and will never be the same. I appreciate my son, and wish I could still tuck him in. He knows I love him, and I am proud of him. God, I miss him so much.

Regret is one of the strongest of human emotions. It can cause us to lose our minds if we are not careful. I would be amiss if I did not say I had some regret over this past year. What if I just acted this way? What if I did "X" instead? To loosely quote a line from one of my favorite movies, "What happened, happened and couldn't have happened any other way." I firmly beleive that everything has a purpose.

In this past year, I have seen the depths of my soul, and been completely broken. I have been through the trial by fire, and I have allowed myself to confront the pain, and I know now is the time to "rise from the ashes"! I know more trials will be heading my way and this last year was only the beginning, but I fear that I will not survive this year.

I often feel guilty, because a small part of me would like to think just to let T- go out of my life, and let him find me when he is old enough to know the truth. (And it may come to that.) But, I am afraid that he would grow to resent me.

It is very sad that his mother only lets me see him when she is around, and won't allow me time with him unless it is on her terms. Many people say I should get a lawyer and fight for my rights. The problem is, I am unable to afford a good divorce attorney. (And it would take a very good lawyer at this point.) But, the honest fact of the matter is that humans can become used to almost anything. I have adapted, and I can focus on the times that were good that I was able to spend with him. Any time I spend with him from here on out, I view as a "bonus".

From Oct. of 2014 - January of 2015, I was trying to remain very positive. People would commend me on my strength, and I would tell them, "It is not my strength!" I look back on the time when I was so positive and used the mantra that "it was only temporary" and I think I was truly on auto-pilot with my emotions and mindset. I was enjoying newfound freedom. It is for that reason that I can actually be glad that I was able to "die" last year. I was in a very bad, toxic relationship. I truly think that she had some personality disorder. But, that is my opinion, and I am trying not to place blame.

Being bi-polar, if I were in a manic state, I would spend money we wouldn't really have when we first got married, so she laid down the law, and would not let me have any, none, nada, zilch. I had to literally beg for gas money at times. I was not allowed to see friends, or go see my parents very often. I could write more about some of the negative aspects of our relationship, but I choose to focus more on the positive. We had fun together. We would go have sushi, and to the movies sometimes. We would watch tv together. (Mostly her shows that I grew to "put up with" or like.) But, honestly out of the 10 years we were married, we were only really together 6 years total. We had been separated for quite a few years in the middle. Talk about dysfunction!

We tried to make it work again, and it didn't. I can honestly say that I worked hard to make our relationship work and it didn't. Oh well. What's done is done.

I know that there is something better for me out there! Perhaps I am better off alone. Perhaps my future mate is in my friends list here on FB. (Don't get any ideas people!) As for now, I just need to work on my stability, and myself. I feel too "broken" to even think about dating. I have a lot to offer the right person, but for now, I can be content living solo.

As of writing that post yesterday, I can say that I am 100% over my ex. Something I couldn't say a month ago. I am done. I wouldn't mind for us to be on friendlier terms. The problem is however, she tends to think either I am her boyfriend, husband, or bed buddy...or she thinks I am her enemy and need to be treated as such. There is no middle ground. Do I want to be best friends that share all of our dreams and hopes for the future? No. We tried that when we were married, and it didn't work out. But, we can at least be civil...right? Right? Probably not. We could not be civil when we were married, why start now? Don't get me wrong, there are times when she is civil, just doesn't seem to come along unless she wants something.

I think about the allegations she brought up to the judge against me. I have yet to face the judge or a court official regarding those allegations. I imagine that if a judge were to ask me, "Why did you not fight these allegations? Or file an appeal?" My answer would be, "Your honor, how would it look if I denied such allegations? I will not stoop to her level by participating in mud-slinging. I choose silence as the better part of valor. I can honestly say that not all of them are true, and I can honestly say I am not the man that she said I was. I am far from perfect your honor, and I admit that I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage."

I received a notice from Friend of the Court a few days ago, demanding an appearance as to why I should not be held in contempt for non payment of child support. I am unable to work due to my medical conditions, and if I do go back to work, I will lose his medical insurance, and not make enough money to pay for the provided insurance. Earlier I posted my own crowdfunding campaign , and my ex harassed me until I took it down. Saying that it was full of lies. (It isn't) and That I need her permission to raise funds...etc. I gave up and took it down along with all the promotional posts I put up for it. I am so at a loss. All night I have been unable to sleep, and keep coming back with making plans s to kill myself. What I need to do, how to do the actual act etc... I don't see how life can get better, especially if I am thrown in jail.

[alonelyghost]

Not any better today. It got worse. I asked for help from numerous legal advocacy groups, and each o e of them said that I didn't meet their criteria to receive assistance. I think I will kill myself this week. CO poisoning seems to be the best and most painless method. Especially after taking some sleeping pills.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there alonelyghost.

Please don't hurt yourself. I know it's hard and I know life can be so cruel and unfair. I've been where you are and I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. But I'm still finding a reason to hold on. Sometimes its even the smallest of things. If you can just make it to the end of another day it helps.

Stay here with us on this site. Please. We do care about you. You can write here whenever you need to and we will listen.

You not alone in this battle I promise.

[kellylouise2001]

its gonna be ok. you are only human u r bound 2 make mustakes its what you learn from them that counts. your gonna get better. i believe in you. it is going to be hard but you can do it. as it says in worth it by cimorelli your not your pain not your past your scars will never hold you back theres so much that youve been through that nobody knows so many things you never show. its true tho. you are worth it

[blurryface]

Hey friend, I know you can't find way out now but from my personal experience I am sure that you don't deserve this. I'm sure that you know that too. No matter what you did in your past YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS. I'm not sure if this will help but try to see your life as a game. Life is just trying to beat you, but I know you are strong enough to win this game. Just don't give up! I know you can do it! Just continue playing.

I wish you luck! Please don't put the end. I promise it will get better.