About Me
Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 12:13 pm
WARNING: MAJOR TRIGGER ALERT!!!!!!
So here I go with the story of my life. I apologize in advance for its length. It's very hard for me to talk about myself but once the flood gate is open it's hard for me to stop.
Also, I apologize for any repeating of stuff from other posts I've made. I wanted to centralize everything for those who haven't read my other posts.
So let's begin. I was born the youngest of four on a farm in rural America some fifty-one years ago. We were very poor and didn't have much. We were also very isolated since the next nearest farm was two miles away and the next nearest town was elevan miles away.
There was alot of abuse that went on between every member of the household. Both my parents came from families were abuse was very common as it had been for generations before them. The abuse manifested itself in every possible way. Physical. Sexual. Verbal. Psychological and some sodomy with the families male dog.
Being the youngest of four with older siblings ranging in age 11 years older then me to 17 years older. Alot of my abuse was the result of a funnel effect of my older siblings being abused and then in turn abusing me to feel in control of their life. Everyday was a fight for survival for me. Everyday I lived in fear of being killed and I was always on a heighten state of alert. I learned early on how to shutdown and sperate my mind from what was happening to my body.
I felt so alone and frighten and isolated because I couldn't tell anyone about "the secret" going on in my life. The brother who was fifteen years older then me was the one who molested and raped me the most from the age of six or seven to seventeen and a half years old. He was also the one who commited the sodomy on me. I think that one factor alone broke my soul the most. It made feel like soiled goods, something less then human and unfit to be alive. I knew no decent man would want anything to do with a woman who had this happen to her and if anyone else knew the truth they would shrink in horror and disgust from me.
I even disgust myself because as a teen I had such self-loathing and felt so much like I deserved it that I perpetuated the same crime on my person. That was my punishment for not being worthy of my families love. Now I fear there is no redemption for me. That God will not forgive me for my sins on my person and that I'm going to Hell. I'm terrified. I dont' want to suffer for eternaty in Hell fire. I feel I've suffer enough of Hell on Earth I don't want to have to do it after I die.
My family were very cold and emotionally unavailable people. They never showed affection or said "I love you" to one another. Emotions were for the weak and they left you vulnerable to your enemies. But I grew up a very sensitive person who often took everything to heart and so I wore my heart on my sleeve. This seemed to make me a target and everyones victim. I was constatly under attack from all fronts. Home. School. Friends. Students and even some teachers were cruel to me. I got no relief. I was always afriad and in distress. All I wanted to do was hide from this awful world I was born into. Sometimes I could find some temporary escape in tv and books. But my mother would ridicule me for watching to much tv. She'd say the tv was my god and I was praying to it by watching it.
Sometimes, I would try to find a substitute for my lack of love from my family from the farm animals. But as soon as my family figured out that I growing to attached they'd get rid of it. I lost my best childhood friend the same way because my parents grew jeolous of my spending so much time with them. They accused me of liking them better and they were right. I did like them better. They were everything my parents and family werent and it got me away from the abuse at home for awhile. My girlfriends mother was a very kind soul, who was affectionate, giving and loving. She often referred to me as her "other daughter". I could of stayed with them forever because I dreaded having to go back home. Sometimes, I'd even get physically sick around the time my Dad came for me.
After my siblings got married and had kids of their own. They started to abuse their own children. Because my siblings and their spouses had so little regard or respect for me. Their own kids started to see this and would mimick their parents and abuse me also. This hurt a great deal. I had hoped that when they got older that they could be the family I never had with my siblings. But despite all my efforts to be a great and loving aunt I couldn't undo what my siblings had taught my neices and nephews. Now my neices and nephews won't have anything to do with me just like their parents.
Over time, I started to feel hatred and contempt towards my family especally my parents and was glad when they finally died. They were suppose to to protect me from abuse, not let it happen and certainly not participate in it. I soon saw them as weak, pathetic creatures who I fantasized about killing. I never acted on this feeling because I knew they weren't worth going to jail or Hell over.
My parents are long since dead but I still don't trust my siblings or have anything to do with them or they with me. They stole my innocence plus, to add insult to injury they were skimming off of my inheritance. They refuse to take responsibility for what they did to me and accuse me oth being a trouble maker and rocking the boat. I'm happier without them and yet I long to have a "real family". I don't feel I ever had that.
So here I am, fifty-one year old maid with nothing to show for her life. I'm alone and bitter. No one cares if I'm alive or dead and twice I've had to face near death, surgery and a lengthy hospital stay alone. No one to sit at my bedside and comfort me. I've become harden. I can't even find a decent friend who won't betray me or abandon me.
I feel pathetic. I hate myself and I hate people and the world as a whole. I'm tired and depressed and long for the end of my life and my suffering. I get in trouble at work for having a bad attitude, I have such rage inside and for being lazy. But my depression drains me of so much energy I have none to give to my job or to anyone else let myself. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. My house is a pig pen because I just don't care enough to clean it. So I sleep alot to avoid my life.
Despite my fear of intimacy and distrust of men. I long to be loved by a good man who would accept me as is, who would treat me well and be faithful to me. Someone who I in turn could love with all my heart and soul and shower with affection. If I could find such a decent man I would accept him and never leave him because I would never want to break his heart as mine as been broken countless times before.
So often, I feel like I have a dual personality. One good. One evil. My good side is sweet, sensitive, loving, caring, generous, loyal, considerate and extremely protective of those I love. But my evil side is well, like my family. Cruel. Hateful. Uncaring. self-centered. Neurotic. Paranoid. Control freak. Emotionally unavailable. I hate being like my family. They weren't good people and I so much wanted to be better then them and yet I feel I've failed so miserablely. I've never abused another human being. Although I sense the potential for it in me. I have sadly abused my pets. Someone here posted that they also abused their pets even though they loved them dearly. I can relate. I loved my pets too and always regreted what I did to them. After a point I stopped having pets because it wasn't fair to them to live with someone like me. Fish seem to be the only pets I can tolerate and not abuse. So I shower all my affection on them like they were a cat or dog.
Well that's it. I warned you it would be long. I could say more but I've been crying thru out most of this and I'm emotionally exhausted. It's hard for me to admit some of this stuff and bare my soul. It's hard to even think about and usually I prefer NOT to think about it. Suppose that's not the best way to work thru issues. I've been in therapy several times and I think thats what is known as stuffing your feelings? It's certainly avoidance at the very least anyway. Therapy has never worked for me....& I've had 11 therapists....and the medication my doctor perscribed doesn't work well enough. At this point I'm on four kinds. Welbutrin. Trazadone. Celexa and klanipan. My spelling is bad so you my not recognize these.
So here I go with the story of my life. I apologize in advance for its length. It's very hard for me to talk about myself but once the flood gate is open it's hard for me to stop.
Also, I apologize for any repeating of stuff from other posts I've made. I wanted to centralize everything for those who haven't read my other posts.
So let's begin. I was born the youngest of four on a farm in rural America some fifty-one years ago. We were very poor and didn't have much. We were also very isolated since the next nearest farm was two miles away and the next nearest town was elevan miles away.
There was alot of abuse that went on between every member of the household. Both my parents came from families were abuse was very common as it had been for generations before them. The abuse manifested itself in every possible way. Physical. Sexual. Verbal. Psychological and some sodomy with the families male dog.
Being the youngest of four with older siblings ranging in age 11 years older then me to 17 years older. Alot of my abuse was the result of a funnel effect of my older siblings being abused and then in turn abusing me to feel in control of their life. Everyday was a fight for survival for me. Everyday I lived in fear of being killed and I was always on a heighten state of alert. I learned early on how to shutdown and sperate my mind from what was happening to my body.
I felt so alone and frighten and isolated because I couldn't tell anyone about "the secret" going on in my life. The brother who was fifteen years older then me was the one who molested and raped me the most from the age of six or seven to seventeen and a half years old. He was also the one who commited the sodomy on me. I think that one factor alone broke my soul the most. It made feel like soiled goods, something less then human and unfit to be alive. I knew no decent man would want anything to do with a woman who had this happen to her and if anyone else knew the truth they would shrink in horror and disgust from me.
I even disgust myself because as a teen I had such self-loathing and felt so much like I deserved it that I perpetuated the same crime on my person. That was my punishment for not being worthy of my families love. Now I fear there is no redemption for me. That God will not forgive me for my sins on my person and that I'm going to Hell. I'm terrified. I dont' want to suffer for eternaty in Hell fire. I feel I've suffer enough of Hell on Earth I don't want to have to do it after I die.
My family were very cold and emotionally unavailable people. They never showed affection or said "I love you" to one another. Emotions were for the weak and they left you vulnerable to your enemies. But I grew up a very sensitive person who often took everything to heart and so I wore my heart on my sleeve. This seemed to make me a target and everyones victim. I was constatly under attack from all fronts. Home. School. Friends. Students and even some teachers were cruel to me. I got no relief. I was always afriad and in distress. All I wanted to do was hide from this awful world I was born into. Sometimes I could find some temporary escape in tv and books. But my mother would ridicule me for watching to much tv. She'd say the tv was my god and I was praying to it by watching it.
Sometimes, I would try to find a substitute for my lack of love from my family from the farm animals. But as soon as my family figured out that I growing to attached they'd get rid of it. I lost my best childhood friend the same way because my parents grew jeolous of my spending so much time with them. They accused me of liking them better and they were right. I did like them better. They were everything my parents and family werent and it got me away from the abuse at home for awhile. My girlfriends mother was a very kind soul, who was affectionate, giving and loving. She often referred to me as her "other daughter". I could of stayed with them forever because I dreaded having to go back home. Sometimes, I'd even get physically sick around the time my Dad came for me.
After my siblings got married and had kids of their own. They started to abuse their own children. Because my siblings and their spouses had so little regard or respect for me. Their own kids started to see this and would mimick their parents and abuse me also. This hurt a great deal. I had hoped that when they got older that they could be the family I never had with my siblings. But despite all my efforts to be a great and loving aunt I couldn't undo what my siblings had taught my neices and nephews. Now my neices and nephews won't have anything to do with me just like their parents.
Over time, I started to feel hatred and contempt towards my family especally my parents and was glad when they finally died. They were suppose to to protect me from abuse, not let it happen and certainly not participate in it. I soon saw them as weak, pathetic creatures who I fantasized about killing. I never acted on this feeling because I knew they weren't worth going to jail or Hell over.
My parents are long since dead but I still don't trust my siblings or have anything to do with them or they with me. They stole my innocence plus, to add insult to injury they were skimming off of my inheritance. They refuse to take responsibility for what they did to me and accuse me oth being a trouble maker and rocking the boat. I'm happier without them and yet I long to have a "real family". I don't feel I ever had that.
So here I am, fifty-one year old maid with nothing to show for her life. I'm alone and bitter. No one cares if I'm alive or dead and twice I've had to face near death, surgery and a lengthy hospital stay alone. No one to sit at my bedside and comfort me. I've become harden. I can't even find a decent friend who won't betray me or abandon me.
I feel pathetic. I hate myself and I hate people and the world as a whole. I'm tired and depressed and long for the end of my life and my suffering. I get in trouble at work for having a bad attitude, I have such rage inside and for being lazy. But my depression drains me of so much energy I have none to give to my job or to anyone else let myself. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. My house is a pig pen because I just don't care enough to clean it. So I sleep alot to avoid my life.
Despite my fear of intimacy and distrust of men. I long to be loved by a good man who would accept me as is, who would treat me well and be faithful to me. Someone who I in turn could love with all my heart and soul and shower with affection. If I could find such a decent man I would accept him and never leave him because I would never want to break his heart as mine as been broken countless times before.
So often, I feel like I have a dual personality. One good. One evil. My good side is sweet, sensitive, loving, caring, generous, loyal, considerate and extremely protective of those I love. But my evil side is well, like my family. Cruel. Hateful. Uncaring. self-centered. Neurotic. Paranoid. Control freak. Emotionally unavailable. I hate being like my family. They weren't good people and I so much wanted to be better then them and yet I feel I've failed so miserablely. I've never abused another human being. Although I sense the potential for it in me. I have sadly abused my pets. Someone here posted that they also abused their pets even though they loved them dearly. I can relate. I loved my pets too and always regreted what I did to them. After a point I stopped having pets because it wasn't fair to them to live with someone like me. Fish seem to be the only pets I can tolerate and not abuse. So I shower all my affection on them like they were a cat or dog.
Well that's it. I warned you it would be long. I could say more but I've been crying thru out most of this and I'm emotionally exhausted. It's hard for me to admit some of this stuff and bare my soul. It's hard to even think about and usually I prefer NOT to think about it. Suppose that's not the best way to work thru issues. I've been in therapy several times and I think thats what is known as stuffing your feelings? It's certainly avoidance at the very least anyway. Therapy has never worked for me....& I've had 11 therapists....and the medication my doctor perscribed doesn't work well enough. At this point I'm on four kinds. Welbutrin. Trazadone. Celexa and klanipan. My spelling is bad so you my not recognize these.
