So that is the story of my life

[incelos]

I don't want to write something long-winded, so I'll separate certain times of my life and use more or less bullet points. Should your require further understanding, please feel free to ask.

Age 1-5: I have no memory remaining from this time period.
Age 6-10:
-Got bullied in elementary school. Almost certainly have some remaining trauma.
-My mother beat me till I lay on the floor, crying. (whenever I annoyed her)
-Few friends
Age 11-13:
-made some friends
-still got bullied from time to time, but not that much
-mother stopped beating me because I was physically superior and would fight back
-brother started humiliating me, spying on me and generally making me feel like shit
Age 14-17:
-fell into a deep depression. I felt like my life was worthless. I had zero confidence, zero self-esteem and basically hated myself and my life.
-lost most of my friends due to isolating myself and sometimes showing that I'm not "normal"
Age 17-25:
-I started lifting
-I started a succesful diet (I was pretty overweight)
-I started travelling to get away from everything and everyone. This allowed me to get a new perspective on things.
-Started smoking and taking drugs.
-Took some steroids for a while (both for increased training performance and a perceived lack of masculinity)
-Currently, I am studying in a foreign country. I feel mostly allright, but I still have some things I need to work on:
-I have close to no friends
-I feel incompetent/incapable of doing normal stuff like finding an internship
-Some days I feel very down. Insomnia is still a problem from time to time, so is lethargy.
-I still have disturbing dreams from time to time.
-My relationship with my family is such that I basically just use them/need them for the money (I am not financially independent yet) and afterwards will most likely keep contact to a minimum (or not at all).
-I cut my wrists open with a knife when I was having a bad trip. I heard voices that weren't there for weeks afterwards.

That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading.

[ChristineJensen]

Good to hear this.