It all started when i began high-school, i eventually dropped out due to the typical high-school drama i didn't wish to deal with. Now i didn't drop out completely i actually began home-school, but to be honest my life wasn't that great now that i look back on it, all i ever wanted to do was play video games as a kid and i thought i was living the dream. Some struggling just to get by throughout my life in school, and the fact that i grew up with ADD didn't really help me it just made things harder in my life. Eventually i ended up studying as hard as i possibly could to graduate and get my G.E.D. Once i graduated i really had no motive in my life other than to sit on my new custom build computer and play video games all day, and to be honest if i could take it all back i would. Here i am when i have wasted the past 3 years of my life addicted to video games, it's all my life has ever really circled around and now that i'm growing up and becoming a man i just feel even more and more stupid as the days go by. At mainly all points in my life i have just been a talkative, creative individual. Thoughts constantly flowing through my mind, my memory wasn't the best, but at least at this point i still had one. Now that its been 3 years past i don't even remember whens the last time i actually sat down and had any thoughts flow through my mind, in fact i hardly remember things people tell me minutes ago. Granted i really doubt all the weed smoking helped, but at least before when i smoked i still would always have something to say or think. Now i find myself sometimes stuttering, mispronouncing words, and even thinking kind of slow. I find myself hard to even comprehend the simple task people explain to me. All i know is my video games and i just feel like a absolute idiot. All i can think about when i'm alone in my head is what its like to actually think about legit things, feelings, etc, reminiscing about a time when i actually had thoughts and memories just flow like a train through my mind, i feel as if my brain turned from a powerhouse to just some brain-dead idiot. I'm so far off track in my mind that i don't even remember what its like to have a thought, and i think about what other people think about just wishing i could even have thoughts again. I often look in the mirror and just sit there staring at myself thinking about what a legitimate zombie i have become because no matter how hard i try, i cannot even think about anything useful or knowledge expanding. I don't feel like my life will ever be the same, and I've often contemplated suicide. The only thing that has stopped me from wanting to commit suicide is God, and the work he has given me. But even then i just feel so stupid and worthless like i'm gonna live the rest of my life by paycheck to paycheck because i'm to much of a brain-dead zombie to do anything real or go to college. So now my life has finally led to where i am now and i feel like my only real answer is to join the military hoping they can whip my lazy, idiotic, brain-dead, sorry excuse for a man ass that I've become. I'm 19 at this point and i really see no other options in my life, i was just hoping that the military will reteach me the things i need to know to go to college and revive my life like a doctor or something. But honestly if i do go to the military and i feel just as brain-dead as ever or even more brain-dead/idiotic than I've become, I'd ask them to send me to combat in hopes my life gets taken and at least i can die a hero because i'm to scared to kill myself. I believe in the Lord and you know what religion says about suicide, it's not right and you will be punished for it. I just don't know what to do anymore. PLEASE, help my poor lost soul...I just need some help or answers does anyone else relate? :/
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
I just need some help or answers does anyone else relate? :/
It all started when i began high-school, i eventually dropped out due to the typical high-school drama i didn't wish to deal with. Now i didn't drop out completely i actually began home-school, but to be honest my life wasn't that great now that i look back on it, all i ever wanted to do was play video games as a kid and i thought i was living the dream. Some struggling just to get by throughout my life in school, and the fact that i grew up with ADD didn't really help me it just made things harder in my life. Eventually i ended up studying as hard as i possibly could to graduate and get my G.E.D. Once i graduated i really had no motive in my life other than to sit on my new custom build computer and play video games all day, and to be honest if i could take it all back i would. Here i am when i have wasted the past 3 years of my life addicted to video games, it's all my life has ever really circled around and now that i'm growing up and becoming a man i just feel even more and more stupid as the days go by. At mainly all points in my life i have just been a talkative, creative individual. Thoughts constantly flowing through my mind, my memory wasn't the best, but at least at this point i still had one. Now that its been 3 years past i don't even remember whens the last time i actually sat down and had any thoughts flow through my mind, in fact i hardly remember things people tell me minutes ago. Granted i really doubt all the weed smoking helped, but at least before when i smoked i still would always have something to say or think. Now i find myself sometimes stuttering, mispronouncing words, and even thinking kind of slow. I find myself hard to even comprehend the simple task people explain to me. All i know is my video games and i just feel like a absolute idiot. All i can think about when i'm alone in my head is what its like to actually think about legit things, feelings, etc, reminiscing about a time when i actually had thoughts and memories just flow like a train through my mind, i feel as if my brain turned from a powerhouse to just some brain-dead idiot. I'm so far off track in my mind that i don't even remember what its like to have a thought, and i think about what other people think about just wishing i could even have thoughts again. I often look in the mirror and just sit there staring at myself thinking about what a legitimate zombie i have become because no matter how hard i try, i cannot even think about anything useful or knowledge expanding. I don't feel like my life will ever be the same, and I've often contemplated suicide. The only thing that has stopped me from wanting to commit suicide is God, and the work he has given me. But even then i just feel so stupid and worthless like i'm gonna live the rest of my life by paycheck to paycheck because i'm to much of a brain-dead zombie to do anything real or go to college. So now my life has finally led to where i am now and i feel like my only real answer is to join the military hoping they can whip my lazy, idiotic, brain-dead, sorry excuse for a man ass that I've become. I'm 19 at this point and i really see no other options in my life, i was just hoping that the military will reteach me the things i need to know to go to college and revive my life like a doctor or something. But honestly if i do go to the military and i feel just as brain-dead as ever or even more brain-dead/idiotic than I've become, I'd ask them to send me to combat in hopes my life gets taken and at least i can die a hero because i'm to scared to kill myself. I believe in the Lord and you know what religion says about suicide, it's not right and you will be punished for it. I just don't know what to do anymore. PLEASE, help my poor lost soul...-
Mitali Chaudhari
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2015 11:59 am
Hi there, first of all don't be so hard on yourself. You are just 19 and you haven't even lived 1/3rd of your life by now. Weed is really bad, i hope you have stopped it by now. It's not the end of life, you can always start over. Start interacting with people. Don't sit at home the whole day, go out. You need some fresh air. You might want to try and go for a trek may be? Conneting with nature will really help you find the lost person within you. But, don't get diconnected with the real world, you don't have to be a saint. Just explore yourself on this kind of a journey. And going to the military and hoping that you get killed, really? It's just another way of committing suicide. The only difference is you'll take the help of military to do that. And don't worry, you are definitely going to do something better with your life trust me. I can say this with confidence because you have the realization that God has sent everyone on this earth to fulfill their purpose. You believe that the work for which God has sent you here is not done yet. So, do you think he'll let you suffer? Life gives you many opportunities and you always get a second chance, a chance to start over. Just keep a keen watch and grab the opportunity when it comes to you.
Stay Happy, Cheers
Stay Happy, Cheers
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dancingsunflowers80
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2015 12:57 pm
- Location: Colorado
Hi - thanks for sharing all of that. Just so you know, you are worth it. You were created for a reason and just because you haven't figured out what it is yet, doesn't mean you should give up. Never give up! You are so young and have so much potential. I agree with Mitali, go outside, get fresh air, vitamin D in the sunshine does wonders for the soul. Do you have any friends to chat with about how you are feeling? I think the military is a great option if you go into it for the right reasons. We are a military family so I am partial! My husband started right out of high school and loves his career so much. Since you said you trust in God, go to the scriptures for sources of encouragement...do you have a church that you enjoy? Hang in there! Praying for your young heart.
mommato2lilmonkeys
mommato2lilmonkeys
I really appreciate the words of encouragement you don't understand how much it actually means to me, last night after writing this i kinda just broke down and prayed for answers and that i was telling God to give me the scripture i need to see. So i flipped open to a random page in the bible that i felt my heart was tugging towards, and sure enough God answered my prayer and it didn't even take time, it was immediately, and this was the verse. PSALMS 37:37-40:2. As soon as i read these verses i immediately thanked the Lord, and slept very peacefully. And now the fact that i have to people who have given me some answers and hope in my life again i feel much better! I went to work today and i worked my ass off, i felt so good and concentrated. (because today is my second day on the job and i'm in training.) I just have so much to thank God for and i am still considering the army but now just for different reasons, and today at work i met this girl and i haven't felt so starstruck in a long time and i can tell she likes me as-well. I just feel like the path God has always intended me to follow is this new road that i'm now finding that used to be closed for construction, but now it's open and the grace of our almighty creator, father, and savior just had to break me down to rebuild me again. HALLELUJAH JOHOVA!!! ! 
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dancingsunflowers80
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2015 12:57 pm
- Location: Colorado
A.OP,
Yea, man, for sure I relate. Some of the things that have worked for me?
Just little things, too: get out in the sun, if only for a few minutes each day. Take walks; they don't have to be long.
I keep a journal. I don't write every day. Sometimes its months between entries, but it's a good outlet and it helps me see how I've changed over (in my case) the last 3 years.
I tought myself an artistic hobby (its now why more than just that) - you may meander through creative things... learning a musical instrument or three (my case); write; doodle; color said doodles; make paintings of said doodles; sculpt said doodles in clay (or something)... you get my point.
And belief system... use it. I've found meditation to be extremely useful.
My sense is that you're pointed in a good direction. You just need to move your feet that way...
Best of luck
n
Yea, man, for sure I relate. Some of the things that have worked for me?
Just little things, too: get out in the sun, if only for a few minutes each day. Take walks; they don't have to be long.
I keep a journal. I don't write every day. Sometimes its months between entries, but it's a good outlet and it helps me see how I've changed over (in my case) the last 3 years.
I tought myself an artistic hobby (its now why more than just that) - you may meander through creative things... learning a musical instrument or three (my case); write; doodle; color said doodles; make paintings of said doodles; sculpt said doodles in clay (or something)... you get my point.
And belief system... use it. I've found meditation to be extremely useful.
My sense is that you're pointed in a good direction. You just need to move your feet that way...
Best of luck
n
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