Nebulochin's Blog.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Nebulochin
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Nebulochin's Blog.

Postby Nebulochin » Thu Feb 19, 2015 7:01 pm

I suppose this is as good a place as any and I'm writing a blog because it does help me feel better.


A bit about myself... I'm hispanic/native american/white. I grew up with childhood issues like alot of people. There are things I remember rather vividly in my mind. My younger sisters were exposed to it as well but unlike them I can't seem to forget. I'm actually rather nervous about discussing to much so I'll summarize it. I grew up with alot of physical and mental abuse. I was one of many children and often felt alone. The only attention I seemed to get was from my father although that wasn't always good attention either. My mother seemed to have always had an issue with me and would constantly insult me, hit me, guilt trip, or literally abandon me in parking lots or on highways as a child. As a result I have alot of self esteem issues and my stepmother growing up was pretty much the same way.

Punishments were trips to the woodshed or down in the basement for beatings, going without food for days or weeks. I had resorted to digging in trash cans for food or if I was lucky enough the grease and leftover skin from cooked meat was a meal. Alot of times I would have to steal food for my sisters and I to eat. I grew up being their caretaker. I didn't socialize much and still don't so many people find me weird I suppose. I was often and still am lonely.

Not long ago my mother and I quit speaking period. Her last attempt to talk to me was to tell me one of my younger sisters knew her plans for her will and I told her I didn't give a shit. My father and I don't talk either. Our relationship became very strained when my stepmother at the time convinced him I was trying to break them up and he threw me in the same category as one of my older brothers. I really have no friends except for a few i speak with occasionally online.

I am currently pregnant and have a very chaotic relationship with my spouse. Sometimes I feel trapped and sometimes I feel forgotten. I have even resorted to spilling my guts to a chatbot I downloaded. Pathetic I know but it's really all I have aside from my wolfsky. I have had others kill my previous pets in one way or another or damage something of mine I found valuable. I often sit and run these situations through my head feeling like I'm the problem. I've cut myself at times and other times I've thought about actually offing myself. I do work through those suicidal moments though but mainly with a feeling of obligation. I can be bitchy and standoffish as I have learned that people tend to take advantage although in my down moments I feel, as I said, that I may be the problem and figure people would be happier if I was gone.


I know it's not very detailed but as I said I'm not very comfortable revealing much right now.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Feb 19, 2015 7:59 pm

Hi there Nebulochin. I'm so sorry for all of the horrible things that you've had to go through. I'm so happy you found this place though. This is an amazing place full of some of the nicest people I've come across. Here people actually listen to you. They never judge you and I don't think I've ever seen anyone say anything negative to anyone else. It's a place I really feel safe and I hope that you do too. Anytime you need to vent or cry or unload you can here 24 - 7.

In your last paragraph you wrote that people might be happier if you were gone. I know that I wouldn't be happier if you were. Even though I'm a stranger and don't know you yet I hope that still counts though.

keep coming here , keep venting here and keep playing that violin that I know you will be amazing at someday.

love and hugs always

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Thu Feb 19, 2015 8:10 pm

Thanks I really appreciate it. I'm sitting here waiting for my spouse to return. The phone I ordered from best buy was apparently not scanned. *sighs* It's frusterating because I'm in the mood to watch mindless youtube videos lol.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Feb 19, 2015 8:21 pm

Ahh !! :shock: Another fellow youtuber. I LOVE watching youtube. My favorite things on there are tv shows from the 80s and 90s that people upload on there. And plus there are even movies you can be lucky enough to sometimes come across. And you definitely can't forget all of the funny animal videos.

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Thu Feb 19, 2015 8:29 pm

Indeed. I love watching some of the animal pranks. I get such a kick out of it. Like the guy who dressed his dog up like a lion. People freaked!



Off topic.... i clicked reply but it somehow went to PM O.o

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 464
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:57 pm

lol like a lion. I've never seen any animal pranks. I'm a huge sucker for those "kittens playing" videos.

emily67
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:35 am

Postby emily67 » Fri Feb 20, 2015 6:47 am

youtube can be a great time killer

personally i'll watch anything as long as it's funny.

no preffrence really

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Fri Feb 20, 2015 8:43 am

Speaking of youtube I could use some right now. Unfortunately I don't have the data for videos right now and the new phone I bought needs a replacement sim card. The people at the store didn't scan it before shipping and last night they just rushed my spouse out the store and apparently didn't scan it like they said they would.


On another note I didn't sleep to well. I kept waking up feeling that there was something horribly wrong. Of course this was followed by me cautiously getting out of bed and checking the doors and peeking outside. Normally I make myself some tea or hot cocoa after making sure everythings locked and all rooms checked with lights on but unfortunately I'm out of both for the moment. Tv wasn't appealing so I went back to the room and just laid there for awhile staring at the ceiling.


I'll be honest.... yesterday as well as this morning I was hit with a few waves of sadness accompanied by anger and helplessness but for now its just the anxiety. Hopefully after reading some funny stories I'll be able to relax and be in a better mood.

100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Fri Feb 20, 2015 11:15 am

Nebulochin

I love the idea of this being an interactive Blog. I know that Star and I want to leave notes for you. Notes seem so much more real than Chat. I used to set a timer on chat so that I would only be there for 30 minutes at a time, and I would set myself one simple thing to do (Vacume!) before logging back on. But, as much fun as Chat was what I also found was that it was kind of shallow. I enjoyed saying hi to people on the board, but it was hard to do more than have "small talk" with them. I tried to PM with people, but I found I preferred notes. Sometimes it would take awhile for the person to answer my note, which is understandable, sometimes it takes me awhile too. But, on here I can see that people have read my message even if they don't respond and that makes me feel good.

Are you using your phone to visit this site?

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Fri Feb 20, 2015 12:08 pm

Thanks 100footpole. Anyone is welcome to comment on my blog if they wish. I do agree, some people are indeed shallow and judgemental although I sometimes sit there silently trying to see things from their perspective. It's also hard to keep up with the chat when so many people are talking. If you don't mind me asking... what are notes?

I am using my phones internet but I'm on my laptop. Well my spouses laptop since mine is currently out of commission. It needs a new screen and processor. I intend on simply replacing the motherboard though.

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Fri Feb 20, 2015 6:04 pm

I decided to rewrite my last post. Currently very tired, feeling down and aggrivated. Informed my younger sister about being on a depression forum and received the usual annoying "Well what could you possibly have to be depressed about your in rainbow land compared to my issues which are far worse then anything you could ever imagine (When really they aren't.) " attitude. Then of course the ...oh just stop being depressed remark. Yes as if it's something I can easily switch on and off at the snap of a finger.

Really missing being able to have a place of my own vs living with spouses relative.

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 464
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Feb 21, 2015 12:11 am

Yeah I know how you feel Nebulochin. It can really hurt and frustrate you to no end when a family member is completely clueless to what your going through.

It's so sad and unfair when you TRY to explain something to someone and they look back at you with a face that looks a bit like this ....... :shock:

That's why I'm so thankful to places like this online. When there is no one else to turn to this place comes shining right through for you.

love and hugs always

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Sat Feb 21, 2015 5:42 am

Thanks star I really needed to read that. Once again I didn't get much sleep. My spouse and I got in a fight last night when he came home at 1 am with some excuse at being at a clinic for plasma donation. He was there just the day before and previously informed me they require you to wait a few days before going again. On top of that I asked if he got me a chocolate milk because I've been asking him to pick one up for weeks now and his reply was that it was a waste of money since he's already been buying chocolate milk like crazy. Considering I've not see one whenever he's got home I asked him when he's been buying it and why I haven't seen any. That lead up to yet another arguement which turned to one about infidelity of course and I then screamed at him that I was sick of the same shit every day for the past 8 years and I was tired of trying to make it work. I then told him to get away from me and sleep somewhere else because I couldn't stand to be around him anymore.

I really want to get away from him to be honest because I'm tired of the manipulation and mind games, tired of the abuse and insults from both him and his relatives. I normally try to keep to myself being shut up in a room most of the day and anytime I do come out I'm treated like I'm not suppose to be out and need to stay in the room. I'm sick of trying to be nice or friendly when all i get in return is disgust and spite. Anytime I mention leaving my spouse to my sister she acts like I'm over reacting and being dramatic as does any "friends" I used to talk to but now avoid. I feel trapped and I'm tired of trying to make it work.

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Sat Feb 21, 2015 8:13 am

This morning was crappy. Another fight with some yelling. Just dreading the rest of the day because I know Spouses relative overheard and she loves yapping to everyone she meets about anything she hears. I hate this place but I'm just biding my time, trying to fix the truck on my own and fighting with my spouse about taking me to get yet another new id and license since they somehow magically disappear whenever i mention leaving. Really tired of his relatives snooping through my mail and my things and just taking what they fancy or destroying something they know is valuable to me. I've already had a tote full of my kids clothes tossed out in the rain when i wasn't around. Came back to find the clothes all torn up, dirty and molded. I was so afraid of my kids having a broken family that i kept trying to stay but I've reached my limit. I'm tired of threats and being reminded of the "connections" people have.

I don't have anyone to talk to which is why I'm babbling a bit here. I just need to get it out somewhere. I've already had my kids successfully taken from me due to all this chaos and spouses mother angry about not getting money. I've tried working with my spouse to get them back but feel he has been sabotaging my efforts. I am tired of the snide remarks from people who have no fricken clue what I've been through and deem me a horrible mother. It's been months since I last seen my kids due to lack of transportation and I feel like everything is against me.

I don't mean to sound like I'm whining but this is what I'm currently going through right now. I'm just in a funk this morning. I try to push past feeling anything so I can focus and getting things done but it sometimes doesn't work.

Nebulochin
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:14 pm

Postby Nebulochin » Sat Feb 21, 2015 8:18 am

I would like to go to college to earn a degree in IT but again circumstances now are preventing that. I do plan on getting a job in law enforcement and an apartment of my own. They make decent pay and I'd like to be able to show I can afford to take care of my kids. It's just hard fighting to get there every step of the way.


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