My story... triggering?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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SilentMomma
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 9:45 pm

My story... triggering?

Postby SilentMomma » Sun Jan 25, 2015 12:39 pm

Oh lord, no one has heard my whole story. But I'll give a brief overview.
Born after my dad dropped out of the army just a couple years before he could have retired. He was consumed with PTSD so he couldn't get a job so we moved around a ton, my twin died from malnutrition. My mom was selling sketches and cooking illegally hunted meat. My dad eventually and went mega depression when I was about 3, pulled a gun on my older sister, then himself, luckily my mom saw it coming and emptied the bullets.

She then left him and took off to her home country (they met when he was on tour) with us 2 kids. I went to preschool there and learned to count and such in her native language. While there, just before we were going to come back to the states I had an accident and was on death watch for a while, but I pulled through.

We came back to the states and my mom married a guy that gave me the creeps (I was only 3 and he creeped me out). Turns out there was a good reason. When I told my mom about one of his abuses I caught happening toward my sister when I was 5 she left him with their mutual son (my half brother).

My mom started drinking/going to the bar after work and paid less attention to us (free range parenting?) and I ended up in situations I should not have been in with my mom's BFF's kids who were worse off than we were.

She remarried to my long term dad. He was kind, but also strict. His punishment was the same whether we interrupted or talked back, whatever, disobedience was disobedience to him. My mom's patience grew shorter and her punishments erratic. I learned to keep my mouth shut, my sister fought back for attention and got all the negative attention she could handle. I cringed and backed into my corner more seeing the results. I started thinking I was fat at 6 years old when I was in actuality skinny until I hit puberty.

Bypassing a couple of years, I started smoking out of stress at age 10 (stole my moms, she never noticed until she caught me at 17).
A few more years and we get to my age 16, I was in a new town, trying to be someone I wasn't, started drinking, using drugs, partying and in general being pretty cool. On my up times I was on top of the world, I had a bunch of friends and we were always doing something fun/crazy or stupid. On my down times I would get what I needed from them, hang out in my room drawing or reading. Sometimes they would join but not bother me. My first sexual relationship started and continued not by my choice, I only ever saw him at night. He was forceful and controlling, when I saw him, and apparently he had me followed on several occasions I didn't know about until later. This lead to me having multiple physical only relationships simultaneously because, why not (and probably because it felt like love, without having to socialize).
At some point I looked in the mirror and hated myself. Considered/tried suicide several times. stopped myself by thinking of my mom and how hard it would be on her (because she was the only person I felt cared at all about me, and she would have to clean up the mess).

I stopped around my 18th birthday, isolated myself from most friends again because I realized they were going down a dark hole I didn't want to stay in. Managed to get myself clean/sober without any adults in my home noticing anything changed. Started working after school (changed schools, my choice) to save up to go to college (my step dad offered to match whatever I saved, he ended up paying more than half, but I had to earn my way).

In my second year at college I fell back into a bad crowd (lol, really one person who dragged me around one wrong crowd after the other) and was using/drinking again, until again I realized the direction I was going and backed out. Crashed my car after I got my associates (clean and sober, the tire blew, but the car was totaled) and since I didn't live nearby I sort of fell out of touch with that crowd and rehab'd myself again (again my parents noticed nothing, they weren't around much anyways even though we technically lived together).

Oohh, that's enough for now, probably more than I've told anyone anyways.

emily67
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:35 am

Postby emily67 » Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:15 pm

it's great you are able to share that with us.

you've defenetly gone through a lot

SkaterDrew
Posts: 37
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2015 9:55 pm

Postby SkaterDrew » Mon Jan 26, 2015 3:32 am

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate in some ways.
I had been depressed and stressed out when I was drinking a lot and became addicted to alcohol. Just like you, I had considered committing suicide many times. Sometimes I get sober then drink again until it made me worst. I was lost and couldn't cope with it. I've tried many ways to get my life back before I became an addict. I visited many forums like this just to get support from others and get some advice. I'v also gone through a lot of meetings, counselors, and rehab center(which where I ended up) just like this Alcohol Treatment Center Chesapeake VA which I've stumbled upon while I was browsing the internet, might be helpful to anyone who seeks for some information regarding rehabs. Thankfully all my efforts and courage has helped me to recover and now I have been sober for 3 years. And I'm doing my best to keep it up.
Sorry if I shared my story here, I just thought I could relate with you somehow. I just wanna let it out and hopefully might help others.

SilentMomma
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 9:45 pm

Postby SilentMomma » Mon Jan 26, 2015 10:30 am

Skaterdrew thanksso mmuch for sharing. The threads are for all of us so it is fine for you to share anywhere you are comfortable. I am happy that my thread is a place to share. Thanks for the information on rehab, I am sure at least one person reading it will get something to help their journey and that is what I imagine this place is for.

I have been clean of drugs since those college days. I have not had a cigarette in 4 or 5 years. I am strong, I know I am, as is everyone here.

* I do hhave a drink now and then, but few and far between.

SkaterDrew
Posts: 37
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2015 9:55 pm

Postby SkaterDrew » Tue Jan 27, 2015 12:06 am

Thank you for appreciating my post, I thought nobody will make time to read my story. I adore you for being strong, hopefully, all the people suffering from addiction are also strong as you are. Always remember that no matter what happens, God is always with us. God bless you all.


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