Need to claw my way back

[keer]

I first posted on this board back in September, I think, when I was in a pretty bad place. I received much kindness. And then I worked really hard and got to one of the best places I have been in a while. Shortly after that, my eldest daughter (due to hormones and possible thyroid problems and previous bouts with it) spiraled into a really dark depression. For two months, my husband and I did nothing but fight for her and fight with her. Thankfully, she is doing better now. I have my girl back.

My problem is, while fighting for her, I lost myself again. My reserves and my coping abilities are gone. The other day, we found out that, due to a technical glitch totally beyond his control, my husband has like a 5% chance of losing his job in the next year or so. He tells me he thinks things are going to work out fine - he is super good at his job and all of his superiors have said they will speak for him if it comes to that - but I cannot for the life of me see past that 5%. I am weighed down by the what-ifs. Everyone I have talked and explained the situation to assures me that things will be fine, but I cannot keep from going to doomsday scenarios where we lose everything, nor can I look past that to where my family helps us get back on our feet and everything works out fine. And I am paralyzed with anxiety right now. I have been frantically looking for a real grown up job for myself, and am realizing that I can't support this family, even with two college degrees. I can't eat anything, and breathing is also an issue. I am putting on a strong face for my husband, because he needs to know I believe in him, and healthy me wouldn't have to pretend. But I am not healthy right now, and it pisses me off. And freaks me out. My Dad keeps wanting to meet me half-way in between where we live for coffee so that I can get things off my chest, but I honestly don't think I'm safe to drive right now, and I can only take so much Ativan. I need to stop fixating and get on with my life. I have deadlines and things to do.

What would you do if you were in my place? I don't want to burden my husband with any of this. And more importantly, if you were in my husband's place, what would you need from me?

[Ieris]

Hello Keer,

Glad to hear that your daughter is doing well

I know you're worried about that 5% but that's normal, just be glad that there's an advance warning so you can prepare for the worse. I honestly believe negative thoughts attract negative things so try to limit that and truly believe in your husband and back him up. You are letting your emotions take ahold of you, remember that what you worry about is not real. How does worrying help the situation? Thats just a waste of energy. How can you use that energy in making your situation better is what you should be thinking about.

If I was you, I would be thinking about what I can do, not what I can't do and crack on with it. You want your husband to be strong, so you need to be strong for him too, in a positive and productive way. Your husband already has a lot on his plate, don't make him worry about you too. Help in whatever way you can, even if it is something small.

Honestly stay positive, there is nothing you and your family can't pull through.

All the best!

[keer]

Thanks Ieris - that was all stuff I needed to hear. I know I need to start focusing on gratitude, and I will do that today. It is a lovely, sunny day, the birds are feeding at the feeders and the kitties are all asleep in sun spots. I need to try and channel that peace and positivity. And I do believe in him, I just don't always trust others to act fairly. But yes, he will be fine.

Thanks so much again!

[100footpole]

This link is to an article entitle "The Mosquito is the Cause of Our Enlightenment"

http://www.lamayeshe.com/?sect=article&id=755

I am not a Buddhist, but I like the way that Lama Zopa Rinpo recommends changing the meditator's perspective from self-interest to compassion:

"Think about the many different things we can do, even for one sentient being. So think, “When I become a buddha, with the infinite knowledge of a buddha’s holy body, speech and mind, I can work for all the sentient beings without effort; I can do incredible work that equals infinite space.” All this knowledge of a buddha is received from this mosquito. Where does all this ability to show the teachings all the way to enlightenment, to numberless other sentient beings, comes from? It comes from this mosquito."

You cannot control the mosquito, but you can control how you react to the mosquito. Sitting on my porch in the summer I sometimes I pick odds for letting the mosquito feed. Then I roll a 20 sided di left over from my dungeon and dragon days. I examine my need to slap vs. not slap, and if I am feeling particularly saintly I continue to play ... otherwise I go inside.

The idea is to quiet that voice that is trying to get you to react without effect.