Hopefully this isn't forever.

[MissteppedJune]

Nearly 30 years old and recently became re depressed. I lived a long cold life filled with anger, depression, suicide attempts, and cutting. Finally four or five years ago it all went away. I was content with my life and myself. I knew no matter what happened I was strong enough to get through anything. Suicide was not an option. I was "healed". In that time I had gone through moves, loss of friends, death of family, and breakups that destroyed my heart and credit, but with all that I was still a very happy person.

A few months ago I got into a bad car accident and got a concussion. I couldn't make sentences for days. Didn't know much of anything. Slowly most of myself came back except for my emotions. I just felt off and sad and angry and empty a lot. I tried lexapro for about a month and the suicidal thoughts became so overwhelming and scary that I had to get off of it immediately.

Now I am on nothing and trying to figure out a way to just be normal again. I am angry all the time. I feel empty a lot. Never happy. I can't find it.

I have tried exercising more. I workout 5 days a week. I eat healthy and vegetarian and organic and any foods that say stabilize mood. Nothing works.

I try to talk to people sometimes, but not too often. Nobody around me understands this feeling at all and they definitely don't want to hear about it all the time. I don't know why I am here, but maybe talking to someone here or reading other people's problems will help. I don't know. I live in a constant state of I don't know or I don't care. I want out.

[100footpole]

I've been on this site for a month now. One recurring theme with depression is "stasis". You describe this as "I live in a constant state of I don't know or I don't care", and then courageously say "I want out."

I often feel the same way. The question I ask myself is "What can I do (that I want to do) that is different and will change how I feel?" I answer that question in three different ways: "What can I do RIGHT NOW to help someone?" My wife has noticed this one ... dishes are cleaned, old simple chores taken care of. "What can I do that I want to do?" I go on chat and that helps. And finally "What did I do yesterday that needs doing again?" Go back to step 1.

Every day I try to make my life get a little better. I still don't feel like I have a "direction", but I am confident that I will eventually be able to set my course.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there MissteppedJune

I see where you wrote that no one understands how you feel and they definitely don't want to hear about it.

Nothing hurts worse than when people don't understand or refuse to listen.

So I'm sending big hugs out to you tonight and letting you know I do understand.

This place is a good place to let it all out when and as much as you need to.

I hope you keep coming back here.

Love and Hugs always