Depression Understood Forums

So I've been reading a bunch of stuff about attracting a partner, and one of the common thoughts is, > don't be desperate. This is totally obvious to people you might like to attract, and is often a complete turn off.

Uhhhh... okay. I'm not doubting that this is true...... But how TF is a person who is so lonely they want to die, supposed to "fake" not being desperate ??? I mean, I think I'm a pretty good actor, but.....

This is exactly the same thing as telling someone who is starving to death > "Don't be hungry"........ Sure.
So like, the day after you die of starvation, you won't be hungry anymore.... and then, their will SO much great food at your funeral.....
Really ?

~~~~~~~~~~
And kind of the flip side: > Be confident.

Okay.... confident in what ? If I've never been able to attract a woman (okay, a couple dysfunctional relationships, half my life ago) then where the hell is that confidence supposed to come from ?

I heard a guy say last night in one Youtube vid.... Sure, confidence is easy, if by birth, you hit the genetic lottery. But quit telling less fortunate people to be confident {in finding a relationship} (I have all kinds of confidence, and self worth..... just apparently not in anything women care about)
It's just not the same for a lot of people.

Ok, when someone is starving they will eat anything and being desperate also gives off the same vibe, that you're just going for anything that moves. Whether you do or not, people can still perceive it that way. People like to feel special and not just a number.

I'm not saying don't try at all but don't try too hard. You need to find the right balance, give them enough attention to draw them in but don't be too keen to scare them away. Bait and switch. A lot of people want what they can't have, see them as a challenge and more appealing because they didn't just land on their plate.

I like the analogy of "starving" Ieris.

One of the guys in my karate class buys dinner for one pan handler a week. He has a good memory for faces, so he tries to share his largess, while still keeping contact ... so when someone hits him up day after he explains once every other week, so he has the opportunity to meet someone different. He has become friends with pan handlers who get more from him talking to them then they do from the food. Although, he does need to tell some the white lie "already bought dinner this week, maybe next" if he thinks someone is just playing him.

He knows about 20 pan handlers (I live in a small town ). My point is that my friend is never so "so lonely they want to die". Its not that the pan handlers or the people at karate or the people he works with are intimate friends. I would do a lot for this guy ... but he never asks. Similarly, I count on him for things we have a mutual interest in. When he turned 25 I took him out to lunch and we got sloshed because a third person was driving, but I wasn't inclined to do it again, because we don't have similar interests outside of karate.

During that lunch we discussed "Ronin" ... masterless samurai. I think that samurai movies and spaghetti westerns might be a place for you to look at the answer to your question "Whats with all this good food at my funeral?" or "Where's the good food that should be at my funeral?" Clint Eastwood and Toshiro Mifune never worry about the future they just do right.

This advice isn't cold hearted ... I don't buy lunches for pan handlers, but I understand why my friend from Karate does. I am sad that he and I can't be better friends, but we both seem to be Ronin ... wrapped up in our own interests that only coincide in one place. Your complaint to me sounds like "I do all kinds of stuff ... but the people I meet only share one interest with me ... (and that's not intimacy ). The only objective things I think you can do are to keep doing the things you love, and to broadcast these things so that the all the people looking for the super fit sensitive photographer with bad ass tattoos can find you ... and if none of them do it for you then maybe you need to continue to expand your talent list.

A couple of times you've said that you're not interested in the people who DO approach you. There is no instant click. That's where I think that lots of talents might make the chances of clicking better.

Best Wishes Brother, Hang in there.

Well now Ieris and 100ft, here's where it gets interesting.....

Oh, Ieris, you have mentioned "balance" a few X's.... like, not pushing too hard, but not pushing at all either.... {my friends have all said this too} and I hear what your saying, and I don't disagree. It's just that I have always been an all or nothing kind of guy. I'm either not attracted to a girl (most of them) or, I want to move in together, last week ! Not good, I know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, today I was on a little hike, and I pass two friendly younger girls (30'ish ? I'm 50) with a cool, tough looking blue Pitbull. I smiled, and said hello. I complimented the dog, and kept walking. So one of the girls says "excuse me, are you from around here" ? ....yes actually.... And then, "Are you single" ? Well yes there too..... So she told me I had a really nice smile, and finally, "Would you give me your # if I asked for it" ? Well sure !

But here's the funny part, on the one hand, at least for now, I don't see myself going all overboard wanting to be all in this girls life in the next 3 days..... which is never good anyway, right ?
Only the reason is because, she doesn't really flip the switch for me. Not saying their is no way in 100 years that couldn't ever change....

Just as I've mentioned before, with my ADD, my girl really has to keep my attention {visual is a good start}.... and I'm an artist, so what I see makes a BIG difference.

Oh and BTW, she's a nice looking girl, and I'm sure > at least 20 years younger than me {don't worry, I can rise to a 30 yo maturity level when I have to }
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I'm going to treat this like everybody always tries to tell me to.... light and easy... whatever happens, happens.

Either way I guess, it's nice to have a female interested, and if we could even have one or two dates.... even that would be fun....

Will see...

Oh, my bro said, "Even if she texts you this evening, don't respond until tomorrow... but not later than tomorrow either".... for the whole, "Don't look desperate... but don't put her on the backburner either" kind of mentality. So I'm like, alright. Again, easy with this girl, as she doesn't make me do backflips to look at her {and its totally just me too... I have different tastes... like the opposites attract kind of thing}
I told my good bro, who is 20 years younger than me also, "You would totally have no problem with this girl".... and your going to think I'm crazy for not being any more fired up than I am if you see her.....


But alright, already... I'll consider everything.

Power within power within power ...

IOM .... I think you need to relax for the good parts and the bad parts and the parts when WTF.

Talked with a friend of mine about first Mickey Rourke's career ... "Yeah, I'm a bad guy why don't youse believe me?" ... and then the movie The Wrestler in particular. We decided that our review of that movie would have to be as a tragicomedy with the meta-comedic joke that Randy-The-Ram's indecision is what led him to HAVE to jump off the top rope. He could have committed to Pam when he saw her in the balcony, but as stripper Cassidy she knew when it was healthy to leave the building ... You leave the movie depressed, but feeling "at least I'm not that shmuck sleeping in my van down by the river ..."

The narrative of that movie is one of "change denied". I have hope for Pam after she leaves the ring .. but really the only person with their stuff together in that film seemed to be the Ayatollah ... Bob.

So ... if you want an exercise in how to think in a non-binary way I recommend that you look up all the tropes for "The Wrestler" on tvtropes.org, get familiar with them, and then watch the movie.

... Also look at one more trope "Giving The Sword To A Noob" ... The true path away from "Butt Monkey" is to simply learn from experience .. not to bet on fate.