Depression Understood Forums

I was born shy. Painfully shy.

I aways had one friend in school up until 6th grade when she decided to get a "boyfriend".

I began spending most of my time at home and my uncle began showering me with gifts, taking me places...after he would molest me.

It took a few years before I told my parents and started counseling and meds right away. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety.

I began homeschooling since I was having bullying issues at school too.

By senior year, things were looking up.

I went on to attend college and loved it. I graduated with a bachelor of science in business and a 3.8 GPA.

However, midway through college..I found out my mom was having an affair and she forbid me from telling my dad.

After college, I was having a tough time finding a job and hiding the affair from my dad was getting even tougher.

One day my mom just left and filed for divorce.

I still didn't tell him the truth because within two weeks he became very ill.

He was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and was losing a lot of blood to the point that he had to stop working.

I began taking care of him full time.

During one of his hospital stays, he had a heart attack and was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and a week later the shingles.

He was in and out of the hospital constantly for 7 months.

One night I decided to see a movie with a friend and didn't stay with him.

The next morning I received a call that he was being life flighted to a different hospital and was intubated.

I rushed to that hospital and he was very medicated and hooked up to many tubes.

He was there for weeks upon weeks. His kidneys failed so he began dialysis the his liver failed. They couldn't keep his blood pressure up and he was on full life support due to septic shock.

I prayed and prayed for a miracle.

One night I just knew that he wasn't going to make it.

The next day the nurses and doctors had a meeting with me and asked that I make a decision. I asked the doctor to remove the life support as long as he would assure me that he would die painlessly. My older brother could not stand to be there so I held my dad until he passed away.

Once the funeral rolled around, his family members began appearing out of the woodwork and asking for money. While they were easy to ignore. My mom was not. She wanted the entire life insurance policy or she threatened to sue me. We came to an agreement that she could have 60% and 20% for me and 20% for my brother.

She is now happily engaged to a different guy than the one she was having an affair with. Our relationship is improving but it'll never be the same.

Since my dad's death my depression has gotten so much worse. I cry daily at the drop of a hat.

I see a great therapist and am on a few meds but I feel so hopeless every day.

I have lost two jobs in the past year and feel like a complete failure. Applying for disability is not an option for me because I would end up homeless. Also I want to work..but in an environment that I can tolerate. Unfortunately, it takes one year to receive FMLA so missing days for depression is out of the question.

As for the bright spots on my life: I have a boyfriend that I live with, a cockapoo that my dad and I adopted together (he's 13 now). When I have the motivation I like to go coupon at the grocery store or see a movie.

Sarbear25,

Have you ever read any of David Sedaris' writing?

My mother used to complain about the Christmas letters she would get from our relatives ... Little Jimmy has a full scholarship to college, Bill is president of the Rotary ... etc.

I am beginning to feel sorry for those people who have such lucky lives ... when you read their Christmas letters as a collection you think "How boring for you that life has never given you a challenge! Carry on."

Thanks for sharing, and I hope you stick around. There is the saying that "When life gives you lemons make lemonade." But I think that is boring ... that no two batches of lemonade are the same ... and the excitement is in watching the lemonade being prepared like on a cooking show.

That's why I like David Sedaris.

Hi Sarbear25,

That's a traumatic series of events for anyone to incur...but by no means are you or should you feel like a failure. The fact that you can persevere through that shows how much inner strength you have.

It's easy to say that you should leave the past behind you, etc, etc; but you feel the way you feel and no one can change that but you. Just know that it's easy for people to accomplish things; but it's life's true tests like yours that distinguishes the ones that really stand above.

Your words are kind and despite what you have gone through you still had the courage and the motivation to achieve what you did. Your boyfriend is a lucky person.

As for the shyness, that can be overcome. One step at a time, but it can be overcome. I used to be shy as a child, now I have no problem standing in front of any crowd to give a speech. Not something that came naturally for me, but each time it got easier and easier.

Don't worry about a few setbacks on your career. It might seem that it's stacked against you, but I'm confident you will be great. You have all the characteristics to do so! Even some of the most successful people in the world became so because of the strength they developed from adversity like you experienced.

Hello Sarbear

You have certainly been through a TON of horrendous stuff
I really do feel for you.

But I have to be honest.... As I read your post, I thought, over and over, "Well that sucks".... "Wow ! That's some BS"....

Then I get to the part where you said, "I have a boyfriend that I live with...." and immediately, I forgot all about the whole rest of your post, thinking... "Okay well, my life sucks too, but if only I had a GF I lived with" I swear it would make my life 90+% better......

This might not actually be true ^ But nonetheless, I dwell on this all day, every day, and knowing that I am going to die alone, just consumes me

I guess though, in the end, depression is depression. Its all bad.

All I can say is, when you lay down with your BF tonight, imagine that their are people out there who nobody wants to be with, and who are so freaking lonely, they wish they had the balls to jump in front of an Amtrack !
So at least in one respect, you are SOOOO freaking lucky !

Best wishes