A cry for help!!! My life is on pause and I'm wasting time!

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

ShoppingQueen
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 1:50 am

A cry for help!!! My life is on pause and I'm wasting time!

Postby ShoppingQueen » Sun Oct 05, 2014 2:49 am

Hey everyone,
I am asking for help because until I can see a therapist...I don’t know where else to go. This is going to be super long and I apologize for the length but I would appreciate it if you can read through it in its entirety and offer advice. I know this is unusual but at the end of this, I am going to write some things I would prefer and am asking politely for you not to say. I do want and value your opinion but I am majorly depressed and anxious and those things I hate hearing and will make me feel 10 times worse so please refrain from saying them. Whenever I tell people not to say something, they tend to do so anyway just to annoy me but it’s not funny at all. I am very depressed and it’s not something to mess around with. Thank you so much!

Right now I am 21 in college but I want to rewind a few years back. When I was around 13, my parents got divorced. I had some anxiety tendencies prior to that but it got really bad after the divorce. I got put on Zoloft 50mg, which gave me my life back, as far as the anxiety. After the divorce, my relationship with my dad went majorly downhill. I lived with my mom the whole time and went to see my dad a few times at his apartment until he announced he was getting remarried and shoved the woman’s picture in my face when the divorce hadn’t even been finalized yet. He wanted me to meet her and when I refused, he refused to see me. I eventually decided to see her since I wanted to see him. But then every time we would hang out, she would tag along. I felt out of place in his new family with her 3 crazy and yes I mean that, kids. I mean crazy like getting married out of wedlock, having kids early, piercings, tattoos, etc. No offense to anyone. I went over for Father’s Day one time and my dad was holding one of his stepkids’ kids acting like a grandfather!!! He feels he is a father to them and a grandfather to their children and has actually said this, it’s absolutely ridiculous! He even said one time that he thinks of us all the same as his children. Eventually we stopped talking altogether and right now we only text occasionally (has been a while) but haven’t actually seen each other in a really long time. I was seeing my grandparents on my dad’s side for a while but eventually I lost touch with them too and never see them. They never call. Nothing. But that’s probably a good thing because the only thing I miss is her cooking. When I used to go over there, she would lecture me for hours on stuff after dinner. So now it’s just me and my mom and all our family on her side is in another state hours away, and we rarely get to see them.

Now I’m going to talk about the one part of my life I hate talking about or reliving: high school. I can’t even tell you how bad it was! It was literally the worst 4 years of my life and it’s actually painful to think about! The worst part was my appearance. I had brown frizzy curly hair, it was a huge bush. I had messed up teeth and was very pale. I wore no makeup (with the exception of lip gloss) and had no fashion sense whatsoever. I also had a protruding stomach. There was nothing about my appearance that looked good. I had no friends and was bullied. I had zero confidence. All the other girls had straight hair, straight teeth or braces, wore makeup, tan, etc. But the main thing that bothered me was my hair. One time I went to a salon and they straightened it. It was stick straight though, not naturally straight and my mom didn’t care for it. I wore it straight like that the next day though and one girl told me how good it looked and that if I wore it straight every day like that, I’d get a boy. Yes, she was being rude but she was also right. Because I never got a boyfriend in high school and was never kissed. And still to this day I have never had a boyfriend and have only went out with/kissed nerdy/dumb/unattractive guys. No offense meant. Junior prom was coming up...I was so excited! That’s the day every girl dreams about and I thought it would be nice to actually get to be a princess for a day. They were having it at a great location and I really wanted to go. But I couldn’t go because I didn’t have a date. I asked several guys and none would go with me. So I missed it. The next year senior prom came...same situation. No date. The location was no where close to as good as it was for junior prom but I still wanted to go. I started asking guys again and getting rejected again. I asked this guy in one of my classes and he said no but later on, I found out he thought I was ugly and creepy and pointed out each of my flaws. I won’t go into details but all hell broke loose in that class. At this time, I discovered facebook and I made a fake profile and added this guy I liked in one of my other classes. I made a stupid comment on one of his statuses and he was determined to find out who I was so he had one of his friends start talking to me. His friend promised to take me to prom if I told him who I was. So I fell for it. And they all knew who I was and were rude and nasty. Called me creepy, ugly, everything. I still was determined to find a date and kept asking guys and kept getting rejected. I found out later one guy I asked said I would die a virgin, and the sad thing is he’s probably right. I ended up going with a group, some had dates and some didn’t. But I had a miserable time, didn’t get to dance or anything. They had this stand set up where you could take a picture with your date and I took a picture by myself. I remember the song “two is better than one” coming on and everyone got with their dates. Other than an overweight girl and a gothic girl (not trying to offend), everyone had a date. I walked out of there devastated and embarrassed and called my mom to pick me up. Worst night of my life. And to conclude talking about high school, I did not get my hair done or wear makeup for senior pictures or for graduation which made me stand out. Prom was the only time I did and it was a waste anyway. That was my high school experience but it was way worse than how it sounds...all because of my looks. And what’s sad is I didn’t used to look like that. I had blonde wavy hair all growing up and was tan and guys liked me. Plus I have a pretty face. I just don’t have pretty features and it doesn’t matter if you have a pretty face, if you have a bush and all that. But still my mom doesn’t believe my appearance had anything to do with my negative high school experience and doesn’t know why I couldn’t get a date to prom.

Okay so...after high school I got addicted to making fake accounts and meeting guys on there since I couldn’t meet them as myself. There were guys who wouldn’t accept the truth right away and didn’t even want to see a picture of me and there were guys that were okay with it and were very understanding UNTIL I showed them a picture of me. Then they ran. I met some very nice amazing guys too. A lot of jerks but a few really nice genuine guys. The girl whose pictures I used (which I apologized to a while back) is 4 years younger than me, yet she’s way prettier. She has the look that I want. She has blonde hair that she either straightens or wears wavy, no curly bush. She’s tan, has a perfect smile, and her makeup is spot on. She’s everything I wish I could be. She’s like a role model to me. She looks gorgeous but at the same time, she doesn’t look fake. Only she had this look at 16, I’m 21 and still don’t have it. She went to a coffee shop and a guy wrote on her coffee cup “to the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen :)” At the same time I was meeting these guys, I was trying to fix my appearance but failed miserably. I got braces which was really hard for me with my bad anxiety. I wanted blonde hair like this girl had. I used to have blonde hair but like most every blonde, it turned brown when I got older. This girl was color treating her hair but I didn’t know who she was going to. It took 6 months of what my mom calls “berating her” to let her agree to let me have blonde hair. Not to mention, she almost cancelled the appointment that day. I was 18 at the time. So I finally got it done and it turned out white/gray. It looked awful! My mom cried. But I just went with it and flat ironed it every day. It looked terrible and was all frizzy and gross but I liked it at the time. It looked much better than what I had in high school! Guys were actually noticing me and talking to me for the first time. For once I had CONFIDENCE. I started going to another stylist who was absolutely awful! She dyed it back brown (hello! If I went blonde in the first place, there’s a reason! I just don’t want white/gray blonde) and she cut it extremely short. It looked terrible and I had no confidence again. But when she flat ironed it and I had straight brown hair with no frizz, I had confidence again. I was also sunbathing at the time so I looked tan. Guys were noticing me again and I walked completely different. But she was pulling at the crown of my hair so much and so hard (and I think on purpose cause she was mean) she left bald spots there. After that, I didn’t visit another stylist for a year. But even at that time, it wasn’t straight every day for class. Only some days. And I would only have confidence on the days it was straight. One time a guy came and sat down at the same table with me at lunch (this is in college) and I got up and left cause it was curly and I didn’t feel comfortable. My mom thought this was very rude. She also said before I should wear it straight some days and curly others (keep in mind I was like 19-20 at the time and can decide what I want to do with my hair). She thought and still thinks I should have confidence all the time no matter what I look like because I’m the same person on the inside.

I went to see several makeup artists but they always put the makeup on me and never actually showed me how to do it myself. Plus they would always use the lightest shade on me and bronze over which made me look extremely pale instead of using a darker shade on me which I know can be done even though I was ADAMENT about wanting to be darker but they always sit here and compliment my pasty skin which I can’t stand. Don’t compliment someone on something they can’t stand about themself! That’s like someone hating their nose and you saying it looks really nice, I like it. It’s infuriating!

In addition to all this, I don’t have my driver’s license. That’s right, I am 21 and don’t have my license. My dad and grandparents on my dad’s side both offered to teach me but since I lost touch with both of them, that offer no longer stands I assume. My mom has tried to teach me but she has a big car and it’s hard to learn in and she can’t afford to buy one for me. I passed my permit 2 years ago and it expired cause I didn’t take the test. My mom wants me to go ahead and take the permit test again and I’m refusing until I’m actually driving. My mom has offered to pay for driving school but I do not wish to take it. I don’t want a stranger teaching me how to drive in an unfamiliar car when I have severe anxiety and OCD. Not to mention, how embarrassing it would be being 21. I’m not doing it and I’m not changing my mind. So she had to commute me to college my first 2 years which involved getting there super early in the morning and waiting till late in the evening when she got off work to come get me. Basically I just had to sit in the library and wait. First semester of last year, I got an apartment there. It was the worst experience of my life! It could have been a good experience but it was the apartment complex. It was SOOOOO bad that there were bad reviews from even the guys and they can handle way more than girls. I won’t go into everything but just absolutely awful! I’m not opposed to living in an apartment at school though, just not that one. But it’d be a struggle for us to afford it anyway. I don’t want to get a job because I can’t handle seeing people all the time with the way I look. Not to mention, I’d probably run into people I know. And it’s not like I can drive myself there and back. In addition, because of my severe anxiety, I would have to have a job where I can sit frequently. When I stand too long, I get dizzy.

As far as guys go, it’s pretty bad. I didn’t get my first kiss until I was like 19 which is very embarrassing. And it was terrible. I did not like the guy that much. He was dumb and couldn’t carry on conversation. After he kissed me (and knowing it was my first kiss) he wouldn’t stop and started making out with me. This guy will probably be the guy I marry cause he’s the only one who wants anything to do with me and continues to keep texting me and wanting to meet up even though I’m not interested. Next we have this guy who was so unattractive that when I kissed him, I literally felt sick and had to keep stopping for breaks but I was desperate to have someone. We only went out like twice and even he was obviously embarrassed of me I guess cause he took me down to a basement of a building to kiss me. He even checked to see if a closet door was unlocked so we could get in there and nobody would see us. And then we have this guy that I knew from high school who was not interested in me at the time and made fun of me when talking to his friends. My mom thought he was perfect for me and kept pushing me towards him. He came over one time when I had the straight brown hair and tan skin and of course, was attracted to me then. But I didn’t want him. I have had very positive experiences with guys over facebook (and yes, that I know are real and have actually seen in person cause they go to my school) but I’m not myself and can’t be because of my appearance. But I deserve nice guys like that and could get guys like that if I looked good.

Where am I now? Well things aren’t better. I’m taking a semester off school (and probably next semester too) cause I can’t deal with it anymore. I see people from high school all the time and of course they recognize me cause I look exactly the same. One girl at lunch one time just stared and another girl said “did you go to (name of high school)?” And not to mention there’s this girl I absolutely CAN’T STAND who says my name real loud when she sees me. She’s got a brown bush too and doesn’t care about her appearance. She really bothers me and I want nothing to do with her!! This is what I want. A brand new fresh start. I want to change my name officially and change my look completely and then start over at college as a freshman. I also want to create my own facebook account but redo high school. Act like I went to another school and have pictures doing tennis/volleyball/whatever. When I finally do get my driver’s license, if that ever happens, I want to take a picture and put it on facebook but change the date back to when I was 16. I want guys who once put me down to see me and not even know and just think I’m some hot chick. Basically I want to recreate high school and replace all the bad memories with good memories. Like they say, “Sometimes you have to go back before you can move forward.”

My whole life is basically over. The majority of girls meet their husband at college. Lots of people I know are already engaged. I’m a senior and I haven’t even dated!!!!! So I want to start over but I can’t ever get there. I’m majorly depressed and all I really do is sleep. I’ve lost 15 pounds and am now too thin (yet another flaw when my weight was fine to begin with). Luckily I’ve gained 5 pounds back though. The girl whose pictures I used was nice enough to tell me the name of her hair and makeup stylist. I went to her hair stylist for a style and it looked great and I felt confident but only until I showered again. I haven’t got any color done yet because my hair is too thin. In addition, her stylist said that girl's color wouldn't look good on me and she wanted to give me a golden color which I don't want. I want that exact shade or I don't want it at all. My hair used to be very thick and has thinned out the last few months due to (I believe) low vitamin B12 and D levels since they have both decreased significantly. As well as the shampoo I was using (all the reviews said it thins your hair but I didn’t realize till later). I don’t know if it can be bleached with how thin it is now. I don’t know how to style my hair myself and my mom doesn’t know either. I can’t go and get my makeup done since the shades the lady will use on me will be different once I’m blonde. In addition, I only wear makeup when my hair looks good (like when I went to the hair appointment) cause I see no point in wearing makeup with a bush. My teeth are messed up again because my orthodontist is an *****. And yes, it was his fault. He switched me to a new retainer which didn’t hold my teeth in place. And with my anxiety, good luck trying to get me to go through braces again. I’ve lost interest in sunbathing so I’m very pale again and my eczema will start coming back shortly. I never get new clothes, my mom thinks there’s no point since they won’t fit when I get back up to 120. I bring my appearance up daily to my mom because I want something to be done about it. She just yells at me and calls it “berating her” and how I always do this on “Friday” when I do it everyday but on Friday, she’ll always mention how I’m doing it on purpose. This is her mentality, this is what she said to me, “You’re pretty in the face. There are girls who are ugly in the face who still have attitude. You can enhance your features yes but you gotta think you’re just as good as everyone else and quit putting yourself down.” She is sick of hearing this everyday and calls it abuse and says she no longer wants to live with me. She thinks I have self-esteem issues and said this all started with facebook and comparing myself to other people. No actually it all started before facebook when guys were putting me down. But you know what really bothers me? What’s super annoying? When guys put you down for the same stuff you ALREADY hate about yourself before they even said anything like hair for example. Oh and speaking of self-esteem issues, I found an article that said how to build self-esteem and it said “work on improving yourself” as the #1 thing on the list.

This is how I view it. My confidence comes mainly from my appearance. When I feel I look good, I keep saying over and over how I’m pretty and I keep smiling and walk completely different. When I don’t feel I look good, it shows. But my mom thinks I should have confidence always no matter what. If all the other girls were restricted in doing things that better their appearance like their hair, they wouldn’t have confidence either. That’s just how it is. My confidence will not come from within and it shouldn’t have to. My mom said how when I wake up in the morning, my husband isn’t going to see me with makeup on. And I said at the point, you’re already in love. He doesn’t care!!! Right now it’s all about appearance. I point out stuff on tv when people say stuff that confirms what I’m saying and she just gets mad at me. Like for example, a Family Feud question one time was “Name something that makes a woman look beautiful.” #1 answer was HAIRSTYLE, It was even above makeup. My mom also gets mad cause I don’t go out with friends. I have no friends and am not making any with my current name/look. My life is on hold until everything gets fixed.

In addition to all this, I have OCD so I feel like a good portion of my day is spent washing my hands, brushing my teeth, scrubbing my retainer, etc and I don’t know how to make these routines shorter. I’m so worried about getting sick.

I’m literally defeated and need help. That’s why I came here. Feel free to offer opinions/advice but please do not say (and keep in mind I’m majorly depressed, this is not a joke) the following:

1. Curly hair/pale skin is attractive. – It’s not what I like and it’s not what I want. Simple as that. And no guys from high school ever said anything about my hair. So that didn’t start from them. I’ve always hated it for as long as I can remember.
2. Don’t compare yourself to the other girls. You are you. – I will stop comparing myself when I look as good as they do. I’m just as pretty in the face so I have the right to look as good as they do and feel just as confident.
3. You are beautiful the way you are. You don’t need to change. – You can tell me this all day long but it’s what I want and nothing will change my mind or make me think differently. It’s not about what others think. It’s about what I think.
4. Everyone goes at their own pace. You’ll find a guy when you’re ready. – I’ve been ready. I should’ve and already would’ve dated if I had looked good.
5. Your confidence should come from within, not the way you look. – I looked it up and during the teenage years, self-esteem/confidence comes mainly from body image. So I have a right to feel this way.
6. I need to let go of the past. – I can’t do this without recreating my life the way I feel it should have been.

I need to know how to get out of this mess and get myself on the right path to where I can actually start living. It’s going to be hard to find a therapist since I am looking for one who is (preferably) young and who is tan and has blonde hair. This is the kind of therapist I feel would best understand me. I found one like this but she’s not accepting new patients. My mom thought this was a phase I was going through but it’s been going on for 4 years. Also I do not have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. People who have this are never satisfied. When my hair is straight, I keep saying how pretty I am and can’t stop admiring myself. So I don’t have that disorder, I just hate curly hair with a passion. PLEASE HELP! :(

I found these quotes on google:
“Beauty is being the best possible version of yourself on the inside and out.”
“Compliments can make you feel beautiful only for a while but at the end of the day you’ll always be as beautiful as you think you are.”
“Beauty is about enhancing what you have. Let yourself shine through!”
“People will stare. Make it worth their while.”
“The best thing is to look natural, but it takes makeup to look natural.”
“Makeup can’t solve all my problems but it’s a pretty fab start.”
“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”
“Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.”

ShoppingQueen
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 1:50 am

Postby ShoppingQueen » Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:28 pm

Anyone? :(

Doogie
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2014 9:06 pm

Postby Doogie » Sun Oct 05, 2014 9:40 pm

Hi ShoppingQueen,

Not sure if I'm the best for the advice your looking for, but I promise when I get more of a chance to respond I will.

ShoppingQueen
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 1:50 am

Postby ShoppingQueen » Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:13 pm

Hi,

Thank you very much, I really appreciate it. I look forward to your advice.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Whew ...

Postby 100footpole » Mon Oct 06, 2014 10:01 am

Shopping Queen,

I've been thinking about your post for 24 hours.

I can understand how you don't want to hear all that standard advice ... because you can't believe it right now.

A book that has helped me is "This is How" by Augusten Burroughs. I think you would like his style because he is very straight forward ... but be aware that he will probably rephrase those things you don't want to hear. I like him because he builds up a lot of credibility before offering advice. The elevator story the book opens with is wonderful.

The biggest message in the book is "Don't Give Up". Which would you rather do: be a cloistered nun who never felt pain, or to experience love at 80 ... one year, month, day, second before you pass? If you pick nun ... then get thee to a cloister to try it out!

I am going through a very bad time right now ... after 25 years of relative happiness. .... Oh and by the way my high school / college experiences mirror yours... I had a nervous breakdown when I was 22. Therapy kept me afloat, but I made my own way by writing and using the scientific method. The scientific method helped me find my wife. She was separated from her first husband and not looking. She has accepted me as the kind of person who does stupid things because he sees the world in concrete ways that other people don't get ... including her. (We delayed getting married for a year, so she could stay married to him so he could get his teeth fixed on her insurance. The insurance was a conundrum for her, but I could see how she could still love and care for someone, but want to move on. Me so sensitive. Actually, it was just a plan that made sense.).

My bad time has to do with some business decisions that I made that she did not support. When it failed she said she would tell me once "I told you so" and then give me as much support as she could.

Last week I was feeling really bad and decided I needed to keep moving, so I found this site like you did on the internet. I responded to another message with a story about a friend who had it much worse than me and persevered. This got me thinking that "If she could do it, I could do it." I met my hero friend when I was 28 ... She was part of a long string of positive events. Some of those events may be because I read about SSRIs in Scientific American around the same time and talked to my physician about them.

I've tried talk therapy a couple of times to try to learn some self-sustaining thought patterns so I wouldn't need the SSRIs ... but as my parents point out ... I look like my grandfather, who looked like his father ... and all three of us were known to be a little dark.

I could go on ... but my message to you would be the same. You can do it. Your letter shows that you know how to be a good person.... but its hard without support. Online strangers can support you in the abstract, while you use this opportunity to meet someone in the real.

Doogie
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2014 9:06 pm

Postby Doogie » Tue Oct 07, 2014 6:38 am

Hi ShoppingQueen,

Some of what I would say does fall into your list you stated so I'll try and avoid those. Also, I'm twice your age so I'm not sure if one of the younger ones here would be more applicable (appropriate)

High School is a hard time. Kids, especially girls, have a tendency to be cruel. Don't let that experience define who you are. I never had a particularly enjoyable high school experience either. I wish you could change the past, but unfortunately you can't. Each person develops differently, and in high school kids seem to enjoy picking on those that take a bit longer.

College is different as you don't get the high school drama that goes with it. Kids are there because they want to be there, it's not a popularity contest anymore.

You have a concern around your hair. I'm not one for fashion advice, but I will say that for the majority of guys, we really don't pay much attention to hair. Most guys just like longer hair..doesn't matter much what it looks like.

I'm quite certain there are boys there that are just as nervous in asking you out. Just be confident and don't rush anything. If you see someone you like...just pay him a compliment. It's not too forward, but it serves as an ice breaker that will give him a chance to talk back to you.

How you project yourself has a big part of it. It does show and if your feeling down or angry then a lot of guys might stay away as they feel that the odds of rejection are stacked against them (and they hate rejection). When I met my first girlfriend, she was in a resturant uniform and hair net...complete with coffee stains and flour. There wasn't anything flattering about how she looked at that time, but she was the one that made the comment to me and it was the ice breaker to start. When you get to your age, the beauty queen fashion really stops to drop (fake anyway) and it's more about just who a person is.

Was that along the lines of what you were looking for?

Ieris
Posts: 217
Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:36 am
Location: London

Postby Ieris » Tue Oct 07, 2014 1:09 pm

Hello ShoppingQueen,

A bit of girl on girl advice here.

If you don't like your curly hair then have you considered perming your hair straight? It's so much better than straightening your hair everyday which is pretty damaging. I don't know which country you are in but in the UK it costs approx £250. So do look up some salons that provide that "straight hair perm" service. However if you perm your hair it is not advised to dye your hair at the same time as these treatments are pretty intense. So either get the blonde hair first or perm it straight as you don't want your hair breaking off. Buy some hair treatments such as Philip Kingsley - Elasticizer or argan oil to condition your hair so it doesn't look so dry and damaged.

Regarding the blonde color you want, pick the color that suits your skin tone (after you get your tan) not someone else's skin tone as the hair is on your head not theirs. Your hair stylist will give you advice on that, tell them to put the color swats near your face so you can decide which tone suits you best. I cannot stress enough about treatment treatment treatment as I have bleached my hair 5 times when i was in college and it was so dry, it was breaking off like straw so do look after your hair. I often have to go dye my roots and it is a chore, however consider looking into "Ombre" which blends from darker shades to blonde/lighter colors at the tips (that way you don't always have to go for root retouches). A guy who is amazing at this is Guy Tang, Google him for some ideas and see what you think.

With your teeth, I think braces is the way forward as you do not want to be forking out £££ on veneers. Nothing like seeing someone smile with a beautiful set of teeth, I know people who don't smile much because their teeth are bad so I'm glad you're addressing this already as it bothers you.

With make up, keep it simple. If you are blessed with good skin then don't ruin it by layering chemicals over your face (you don't want to add another problem to the mix). I went to make up school myself however you can also learn a lot using Youtube videos. I have bookmarked quite a few, especially eye make up tutorials - find ones that suit your eye color and find out what the new trends are. Good thing is you can follow them step by step and pause the video whenever you need to.

If appearance is important to you then don't just focus on your hair and face, as your body is just as important. Eat healthy, do some exercise you enjoy and live a healthy lifestyle.

I hope you manage to turn your life around and don't let your appearance hold you back.

All the best x

creaker
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2014 7:00 am

Postby creaker » Mon Oct 13, 2014 9:01 am

Hi ShoppingQueen,

I feel for you, your life crushed by a thing I have never understood - womens hairstyle. I'll give some advice on things I can understand...

I understand how you didn't accept your dad loving another woman than your mum, especially so soon after they separated. Can you now accept that you were young and idealistic at the time, and your dad did not meet your expectations? Now you are older, you can realise that those expectations were not fair, that he had a right to love someone, and he was proud of har and his new family and he wanted to include you. You now have a chance to say sorry to him and to rebuild a relationship with him. It won't ever be the same as before your parents divorce, but it will be something, and a lot better than nothing. Eventually you may trust your dad enough to accept emotional support from him.

With your grandparents you can choose to call them, tell them you want to visit them, go over there and find out if there is a reason they didn't call you. It might be a simple case of them being the type of people you have to initiate things with. Or they might have been supporting your dad. Being older now you can have a better stance in the conversations, and be more assertive in breaking up the lectures, so it won't be the same as when you were younger. If it works out, you could have loving grandparents on your side, how good is that!!

Your high school experience sounds a lot worse than mine, and mine was horrible. Did your mum realise you were bullied? My mum said afterwards she had no idea.

You mention that confidence comes mainly from body image ... that is partly correct. It is more about feeling accepted by others, and when you are young, you are accepted based either on your confidence or your appearance. Yes I know, to be confident you have to show confidence! aaargh! This can be useful though, if you gain confidence in one area of your life, it can show as confidence in other areas. For example, if you do really well in your course work, it can give you confidence to think things through, which you can build on to give confidence speaking on different topics, and this can build up confidence talking to guys at college.

I got my drivers license at 24, its unusual but not unheard of. You are not alone :) Don't assume things like offers to teach driving no longer stand. You are still related to your dad and grandparents, and they might be glad to have a chance to give their time to you. Most people find a driving instructor a lot less stressful than a family member, they are trained to be patient and can handle perfectionists, teach you what to focus on in which situation. Automatic gears take some of the stress away :)

I don't understand your need for a therapist with your ideal youth and hair attributes. How would that sort of person understand you better?

Instead of trying to erase your past, could you use the emotional suffering as a way of understanding other people, perhaps help teenagers going through a similar pain? This in return would give you a sense of worth, and a purpose.

Best of luck, I hope you find that amazing part of yourself that is there, that part of yourself that can give love.

ShoppingQueen
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 1:50 am

Postby ShoppingQueen » Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:37 pm

Thank you for the advice everyone! Sorry I can only respond when I'm on my computer which isn't very often because it takes me way too long to type on my phone lol

So my mom and I went back to the hair salon to buy the shampoo/conditioner that girl's hair stylist had used on me. And there was this blonde girl working there. She had gorgeous hair!! And she told me hers is naturally curly and that she straightens it. It looked healthy, it was long, and her blonde looked natural. She kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to buy that shampoo/conditioner or she could have a stylist come talk to me about what would work best with my hair. We said we would just buy that one and we asked her who does her hair color. She named the stylist who is in that salon and had him come talk to us. He was incredible!! So knowledgeable and pointed me in the direction of a much better shampoo/conditioner which we bought. It wasn't even a consult but he talked with us for a while and when I explained what happened with my hair before, he said if he were to highlight my hair he would start off with a high lift color instead of bleach (since my hair is thinning) and then after a while when I wanted to go lighter (like that girl's hair), we could use bleach. He said it would still look similar to her hair. He suggested vitamins for my low iron. He even pulled out color swatches. I was very impressed!! I've never seen a girl who has naturally curly hair that can bleach it and straighten it all the time and it looks healthy and natural (no frizz or anything).

My mom and I were very impressed and we liked him a lot!! Obviously that girl's hair that I liked before, her stylist isn't the best since the shampoo she used on me wasn't that good. The girl who brought her stylist to us didn't even want us to buy that, she kept asking if we were sure. So I found a hair stylist...finally!!!! What I'm worried about is since he is going to use color, it has PPD (a chemical that you eventually most likely become allergic to) but it will be in foils and it will be temporary. This is just to get me blonde right now. Eventually when my hair is thicker after I get my iron back up, he would just use bleach on me like he does on her. Is that okay? I've only dyed my hair about 5 times and I've read it takes about 60-80 times at least to develop a PPD allergy. So am I okay to use the dye temporarily? Also, I'm really nervous about finally getting it colored. Do I need to just take a chance and go for it and try to relax?

msross67
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2014 12:23 pm

Straight....no chaser!

Postby msross67 » Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:45 pm

Shopping Queen,

First of all, I want to say that I'm SO SORRY that you have had to go through so much JUNK in your life. You did NOTHING to deserve ANY of it, especially the Divorce. I know the Divorce hurt you, but it sounds like that was all about your Father's Selfishness, NOT YOU!!

Now, all the other stuff....that's just the way the World is Honey. YES, it's unfortunate that people are so cruel, and YES, it sucks that people focus on looks. LOOKS DO MATTER in this world, point blank, period. I am a Mother of 2 Daughter's, and I am not sugar coating ANYTHING for them. I tell them the truth! I have lived it! I went through High School very shy, but it wasn't until I started putting more effort into my appearance that people noticed me.

Even to this very day, I am treated differently than other Women in life, because of looks. It's EXTREMELY unfair, but like I said, it's reality. We are a visual society, and people favor what looks nice. With all of that being said, we have to work with what we are given.

I don't like a FEW things about myself, but it's things I cannot change. Try stretch marks all over the tummy after having 2 Kids. Let's face it, I will never wear a bikini again in my life (without getting laughed off the beach), but I have to live with that. We have to work with what we have.

You're older now, so GO to that stylist, and tell them what YOU want done to your hair. Get your butt down to the DMV ASAP and get your license! Do NOT WAIT! I have 2 Brothers over the age of 45 that do NOT DRIVE! My Mother coddled them all their lives, and still does. Getting your license is going to give your Self Esteem a HUGE BOOST, and that's going to help a GREAT DEAL!

Remember, when you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, nothing can stop you..but YOU!

Good luck Sweetie!!


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 266 guests