Depression Understood Forums

Hello.
As you can see my name is Max.
I'm new to these forums.
I really need some opinions on something that has been on my mind for a while.

Life was pretty good for me until I was like 12-13ish. I don't know if it was enviromental but I moved schools in my last year of middle school and well it was a tad bit annoying. But overall I went into what I prefer to call an existential crisis. I started questioning life in general and what was the point of everything and what I did. I would literally think all day about these things and wonder why humanity existed and etc.
Then when I came to understand or at that point assumed there wasn't any point in life I hit rock bottom.
I grew severely depressed and well as I grew older I just thought maybe this is what life is. I had all the symptoms of major depression but I didn't know it at the time. I went from a pretty good guy to someone who didn't want to do anything. I got great grades, was popular in school, had plently friends, played three sports year round. But I dropped all of that once the depression hit severely. I became anxious, very insecure, and most of all just depressed cause I didn't see a point in anything.

I remained this way until I was about 16 years old. I had to take a health class in highschool and the teacher assigned me a project on depression. Once I looked into it I realized that it described me entirely. I broke down to my doctor and my family that I think I had it. My doctor said he thought I had something for the last year or so because I seemed off. My family on the other hand thought I was weak or crazy or something. They didn't think depression was an actual thing and they thought I was just pathetic.

Regardless I went on 25mg of Zoloft for around 2-3 months. In those 2-3 months I left my terrible position in life. Unfortunately my dad didn't like the idea of me on medication and thought depression is just some bullshit for the weak so he forced me off the medicine. Over time I started things like exercising and just other healthy stuff in general. I'm pretty happy about life to be honest and things are cool. It's just that I'm in a position where I'm very confused.

Last year I started had a life changing experience where I had many health problems. Physical problems and I spent alot of my time sick. I'm 19 now so last year was my freshmen year of college. And at one point I was told I'm literally dying. And it was a bad position for me overall because most of my true friends moved on with their lives and I was left alone. Most of the free time I had was in hospitals and the other time was spend on academics so it's not like I had alot of time to spend anyway.

The point is my doctor said that some of the physical problems I had were caused by a serotonin deficiency and he thinks that I should hop back on an SSRI. I tried for 2 weeks and I didn't really enjoy the way it made me feel. But overall it has thrown me off alot.

The truth is.
I never went back to the person I was before I was depressed. I know some people will say you will never be the same person before depression but it's like my entire body/life/mind changed. When I think of the past and the person I was before depression and also during depression I don't feel any connection towards them. Like they were completely different people from completely different. Now I'm in a position where I'm trying to get my life together. And I mean I am happy. I'm always happy, but that's because I went through 3 years of hell with depression alone and well it's easy for me to be happy in general now. But it's not the same kind of happy. It's a practical happy. I don't feel emotions like I used too, I'm nothing like I was before. I feel like I'm somewhat of a sociopath.

I don't have many emotions anymore. I don't feel that much. All I care about is my main goals in life because it gives me a purpose. I'm not sad. I have many "friends" and I had my close friends too. But I just don't like anyone anymore. I don't need them nor do I care for them.
One thing I have noticed is that I haven't actually liked a female or had feelings since I was 12 years old. I've been with women since then but it's more for a sexual physical thing. I had a serious girlfriend who compeltely f***** me over a year ago but I never actually liked her so I didn't care really. I don't know what's going on. I tried things like 5HTP/L-Tyrosine this summer. 5HTP did work but it made me feel out of it and weird. In fact one of the main things it would do is make me EXTREMELY horny for no reason. Idk weird effects.



My Question to you all: After reading about my story. Do you think I am depressed or not? Do you think I should hop on any supplements like 5HTP or actual medicine like an SSRI or an SNRI. Did any of you ever feel like the person you were before depression after being treated for depression?
Anyone. Please give me some feedback or shed some light. I came here because I don't know who else to ask but other people who have dealt with depression. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm a sociopath. I don't really care that I am what I'm like now. But apart of me feels like it's not right.


Thank you.

Hello Max,

I don't think you're depressed anymore and I would suggest NOT taking any meds unless you really have no choice. Sometimes they do more harm than good.

I don't think anyone is the same person they once were because people are constantly changing, whether they have depression or not. Some people accept change and just get on with it, while some refuse to accept and spend years dwelling on the issue... going around to circles.

Going through depression is like an experience, most would say its a bad one but I like to look on the bright side. It has completely changed who I am but I got a lot out of it and I learnt a lot about myself. If I didn't have this experience I would not have read certain books, learnt certain things or tried certain things which now play an important role in my life. It has caused some doors to close but it has also opened many new ones. It has helped me open my eyes, feels as if I have had an Alice in Wonderland/Spirited Away experience (perhaps not as magical) but I have definitely come out the other side a lot wiser.

I never took any meds but i do feel the same way as you do about not having feelings for people anymore. I no longer care so much about my friends and I meet many decent guys who show interest in me but I just don't feel anything. Maybe someday I may desperately want to be married then I'll change my tune but as of now... it is not my priority. I'd say just focus on what you want to do now, you can think ahead and set goals but most importantly enjoy what you have now. Many people live in the past or the future and completely missing out on what they have in the present.

You're 19, you will have many interesting experiences coming your way to help define your character, whether good or bad is down to you. When I was 19 I didn't know who I was and many around me were having an identity crisis. Looking back it was quite an exciting time, so i say stop thinking so much and go explore

Hey man I really can relate to what you're saying. I'm 19 too and had waves of depression throughout high school and I can still feel the fucker in my first year at uni. It sucks I know I started becoming antisocial and nihilistic and just plain angry at everything. I hate that depression changed my personality in a way that feels wrong. I'm not as brave as you though I didn't have the guts to tell anyone, in a way it kind of drove me crazy trying to hide it and act normal in front of friends and family I'm glad you didn't experience that.

To answer your question I don't think you should do pills. I can't say for sure because I don't know how bad it is for you but if you're still on forums like these after trying them then they're definitely not working. The f****** government gives us 'treatment' for depression, they never gave us a cure. Personally for my treatment I've been self medicating with marijuana for 2 years on close to abusive levels, I feel a lot better now than before - it's probably placebo or maybe I'm just not as depressed anymore (not saying you should try it) but it still didn't cure it. Think of it as acne, it's shitty when you get it and you can try to get rid of it with meds or whatever but it's never really gone until it's gone.

I don't feel like the person I was before, and I don't know if I'm completely over depression. For me it was an experience I had to go through in high school, and I learned from it. With depression you can't do shit you can't feel shit and it sucks because not everyone around you knows what you're going through. But you can get over it. I don't blame myself for canceling on parties or quitting sports because I realize now I was just too f****** depressed to do any of that shit at the time. And I know there are gonna be shitty days next year in uni where I'm feeling low, angry or too tired to get out of bed and deal with life but those days don't have to define my future, I'm just gonna have to get through them and make it a thing of the past.

I really want to say more because your post looks like something I would've written a couple years ago, and I've also started thinking I was a sociopath or even a psychopath because everyone seemed to be so different to me making me feel alone. But after seeing what you wrote I guess maybe I'm not crazy and I'm just going through post-depressive stuff. You're definitely not alone on this man, I can't do much over a screen or give you a cure but I want to let you know I feel you bro and I really do hope you find a way to get over everything.

Don't think the way you are is not right. Depression's no one's fault. It makes it hard to remember the good things in life. Instead of focusing on going back to 'before', why focus on stuff you enjoy or want to do like your main goals in life. The person you were before is and always will be that same person - you. We've all got a hell of a trip ahead of us in life and so what if some parts seem shitty, the good parts were there and they'll always be. We're a bunch of tiny organisms clinging on to a speck of mud rotating a giant ball of light in the universe, life is beautiful don't worry about what's right or how to live right, just be, just exist man.

Ieres and Just

Thank you two for your responses.

For the most part I have a totally different perspective on it all than the normal.
Once the REALLY dark part was gone I was good. In fact honestly I think clinical depression is probably one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.
It was BRUTAL and wasted 3 years of my life. But I learned alot and really got to grow.

The only reason the idea of meds even occurs to me now is because like I mentioned in my post earlier I had physical problems last year and my doctor said it's probably because a serotonin deficiency.
The only thing that actually helped my symptoms and even made some of them go away was when I popped 5HTP and L-Tyrosine for a month.
I only popped the Tyrosine so my dopamine wouldn't drop.
But overall that's why I think of hoping on something sometimes.


Thank you guys for your response. And just even though it's your life I would lay back on the THC. In the long run it's a terrible idea. If your body is recieving chemicals from an outside source then it will stop producing these chemicals to have a balance. Even when you stop it's very difficult to increase the production of those chemicals. I mean I'm just saying what science says. Its your life. If it helps then go for it.


Thanks again. I'm surpised that over 100+ people have seen the post and only two replied. You'd think people who are going through depression would be a little more responsive. I mean it did make me very empathetical at one point.

Hey Max,

It sounds like you may still be struggling, but I don't think you're extremely depressed. It is good that you are so aware of what is happening because that will help immensely. There's a lot of things you can do to cure yourself other than taking medicine. Try and figure out what is inhibiting you from living your life 100%. Don't be afraid to ask for help in this process!

I agree, Depression will change you, but I encourage you to see this as a positive thing. I think that suffering from this kind of emotional pain for so long can strengthen you, and increase your awareness of yourself.

Stay strong and I hope you recover soon (sounds like you're almost there)