I'm lonely and I regret my past actions

[Evilbad]

I have been a loner for a pretty big chunk of my life. When I was a kid I could carve out some relationships. Somehow I must have been less self conscious and more outgoing. I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 8. I know that term has been removed and is now just called autism. I'll call it Aspergers. I have a tendency to act impulsively, I guess. I may do or say something and then regret it after it happened. I guess I'm embarrassed about myself. I haven't invited anyone over to my house since probably 9th grade. I have trouble accepting the Aspergers diagnosis because it's nothing more than words on paper to me. I feel like it dehumanizes me and it labels me as some sort of freak when I don't even want the label. It doesn't matter though. Schools aren't required to know now that I'm in college and my parents know damn well not to ever talk about it with me.

Last winter I was alone every day. Eating packaged foods, not going outside or exercising after achieving a 22 minute 5k (3 mile race) the previous year. To exacerbate the problem I was drinking coffee instead of water. I guess the caffeine eventually made me unable to cope with simply being awake and my head would often feel like it was burning on the inside. I tried for months to cope with it. In fact, I had been a heavy coffee drinker for years. I have been diagnosed with depression, bipolar, given drugs that didn't help. A couple years prior I made an impulsive decision to call a woman on the street a fat cow on the street. When she tried to take my picture to send it to the police I tried to swat the phone out of her hands and to this day there's a police report available on the internet that says I was trying to hit her.

After spending a week in a mental hospital for that incident I was put on anti psychotics and anti depressants. That was one winter before I started to become worse. The pills never helped me. The following winter I grew angry, unable to cope with a burning sensation in my head that I had developed over time. I just couldn't feel happiness. I would go on facebook and post rants, sometimes 12 paragraphs in length about how I hated parents, homophobia, religion, all sorts of other things. I wrote some things that made sense, a midst a a lot of things that were just pure craziness. I can't even describe some of the stuff I wrote. Looking back at how what I said, I feel overwhelmingly ashamed at some of the things I wrote. Just the nature of the way I said them. I was raving like everyone else around me was a moron. I deleted everyone off of facebook and deleted everything on my timeline, besides a girl who I was friends with at the time, but no longer talks to me.

After months of the burning in my head, I started to lose sleep. facebook posts, depression and loneliness eventually added up to me punching a hole in my wall while yelling at my parents. They called the police, not before I posted a picture of my blood knuckles on facebook and told everyone to "feel the pain I feel", essentially telling everyone to go f*** themselves. I was arrested and I took printouts of the lengthy paragraph facebook posts I made. I was obsessed with what i was writing on facebook at the time (which looking back was a waste of time, I think of those notes as dog shit now). I spent a week in a mental hospital where I experienced discomfort and pain far beyond my the length of words I am willing to use to describe it in this thread. After that visit, I came home and my head was burning harder, so I wanted to go back to the hospital to get checked for brain cancer. The results were negative and I was sent to a hospital again where I endured another week of hell. Mental hospitals are not nice places and they do not heal.

After getting home from the mental hospital I was a wreck. I was eating a shit load of food. My 3 years of working to achieve my prized runner's body was wrecked and I had gained 50 pounds and am to this day 210 pounds. I couldn't help but scream at my parents every morning for a week. Telling them how they wronged me for putting me in that hospital and they said they will never do that again. My mom became depressed at the time and she has recovered from it. I was still posting on facebook in spite of my worsening condition. My posts lost intelligence and I began to belligerently insult those around me, sometimes for simply being religious. I still can't justify the fact that I came off as such a ridiculous spazz (for lack of a better word). No wonder no one messaged me at the time.

It took a couple months. I didn't take any of the medication the doctor prescribed me, because I know I don't have bipolar syndrome. I quit coffee too. My mood has stabilized drastically. It feels like I'm still reeling from everything that happened. I also can't go my hair cutter anymore because I told her I wish I was half girl. I wish I hadn't said that. I'm a pretty damn masculine guy, I don't feel comfortable applying femininity to myself. I guess at the time being a girl just seemed desirable. It's too embarrassing for me to think that I said that. It's embarrassing to think of a lot of things I said back then.

I'm relaxed now. I started college and I began running again and lost 10 pounds. I started eating only unpackaged foods. I started college and I am falling behind. I failed to read for a paper I was supposed to write today. I simply didn't do the writing assignment. I haven't studied for any of my classes. I'm so depressed and lonely, I feel like my mind is now a hardened condensed and dried out turd. I feel bored and my every day life is dry and reading dry textbooks is just too hellish for me. I feel like my life is a ball and chain. I'm just dragging myself around and I don't really even care enough to do anything. In fact I spend most of my time listening to music. I listen to so much music, I wish I was a musician. Unfortunately practice is too boring for me. I'm listening to music right now; Red House Painters, one of my favorite bands ever.

So I dunno if writing all of this was just one big ego trip or something. I hope no one sees it that way. I'm just really lonely and depressed right now. I asked the teacher in my sociology class the other day if wearing an atheist shirt in public would be considered a more (a type of norm associated with things that society considers morally offensive) and a girl yelled at me in the middle of class saying "oh my god!!". The teacher didn't care. I felt flustered and I got angry as hell at that girl, I kinda still am. I don't even want to go back to that class now. I'm going tomorrow and I'm wearing my "thank you for not littering your mind" t shirt with a guy throwing religious symbols in a trash can. I hate those people. There's a cute guy at the bus stop that I go to that I wish I could become friends with. I'm almost certainly bisexual btw. I wish I had some friends, I wish I had some people to connect to. Life feels so much better when there's someone there to put things into perspective. I'll just leave off by saying that I'm lonely and depressed. How's that for your tl;dr description?

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there Evilbad. It's nice to meet you. Welcome to the forums.

I'm really glad you found this site. We are glad to have you here. I hope that it helps you feel less lonely.

Love and hugs

[justanotherfreak]

hey, I've read your post.

Just to let you know you've connected to me. I don't want to give you advise or my own life experiences or anything because it probably won't help, but you know depression can tone down as you get through high school, and I really hope it does for you.

I know life is shitty with depression, I hated waking up every day and having to exist. I felt disconnected from the world and reality and everything. But like you I loved listening to music. My highlight of every day would be the bus ride to school or home because that's when I'd be able to plug in my earphones and cancel out the world for a while. Music made me feel less lonely, especially bands whose songs I could connect with. I can't really do much to help you over the internet, but I want to let you know I've read your story and it made me feel a little less lonely.

If you feel disconnected, keep listening to good music. The feeling you get when you hear the lyrics or riff to a song, that's connection. And please continue to play music! It's the depression that's making practice seem boring but trust me you can only get better with music. Maybe write your own songs about how you feel. It doesn't have to please anybody, it's just a piece of art that came from your experience and your life. No one likes the heavy metal stuff I write, but I don't care because I write it for myself and I find the lack of headbanging in today's music troubling.

Don't let the past f*** with you. The past is just what it is, the past. You can learn from it and you can choose what parts define who you will be in the future. Life can suck sometimes, you just have to find the stuff that don't suck as much and keep to it.