Depression Understood Forums

Well...I dont even know where to start...I have been depressed for years. After me and my first love s eperated, I havnt been the same. I fell really hard into drugs...and attempted suicide three times. I always wanted to make people happy, I always put other people above myself. I also have dirt poor self esteem...well I decided one day that I will get out ofthe life I lived...and eenlisted in the military. ..I got into good shape...lost over 50 pounds. I concider myself at the peak of my life right now...but there is still somethinf wrong....something REALLY wrong. I am still miserable...I just want in all honesty a sweet loving woman in my life...yet I have such low self esteem I cant approach o e without sweating excessively and having a panic attack almost...so I try the online thing...I met up with one girl, and she was so amazing...I can HONESTLY say I was content with life. I was so freaking happy...but if its too good to be true, it is...she was married I found later...and lied about her age...she was 12 years older then me...ever since I have been alone...even more sad then before. I will message girls online and they just read my messages and do treply. That crushes my spirit...ive completely given up. All the girls that want aanything to do with me, just want my benefits...any decent woman wont jus t drop everything and move around where ever the military sends me....only the bad ones...lets face it. She cant have a career....and well most people want a career. Im only 21 and concidering getting out because of the fact I wont get a decent woman in the military...but I know I will go RIGHT BACK to what I was doing...and I would rather die then go back. I assume by now you get what I mean with that. I just wish I can just ship off and die a hero at war then a coward and take my own life really...I struggle to find things to live for.. life to me is about LOVE. I can be the second coming g of Jesus Christ, but if I didnt have a wife, kids.. the love that every person deserves...I didnt do CRAP with my life...the part that kills me is I dot even think im that out of shape or ugly....compared to alot of people. I am starting to really think it is like my destiny to die young and alone...if I could jump on a grenade and save peoples lives RIGHT NOW...I would do it and not hesitate. .sorry but I really have to get this out because im feeling lower and lower every day...and have no one to turn to...themmilitary will just kick me out if I seek help...and im too anti social to make friends.[/img]

Hey there lonely soldier.. Welcome to the forums. It's nice to meet you.

From the way you talk you sound like a natural born romantic. And that to me sounds like you have everything inside you that you need.

I think it's the most normal thing in the world to be nervous meeting new people. People that you just might open up and offer your whole heart to. There is a saying called " there is nothing to fear but fear itself " sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. It sure is true because believe me I am terrified of meeting new people too !! So you are most definitely not alone.

The one thing that you have to keep thinking is it's totally OKAY to be scared.

I don't think it's just you though. It's very tough now a days to find that one special person. I mean so much emphasis is on " sex " if you know what I mean ?? Where are all the old fashioned , " I will wait for you forever and go to the ends of the earth for true love " kind of people anymore ??

You sound like you have such an amazing heart and are bursting with love to give someone. You said last that you think it's your destiny to be alone.

I honestly don't believe for one minute you will end up being alone. It IS tough but it won't be tough forever.

Are you feeling any better today ?? Hope your doing alright ??