Depression Understood Forums

When you are a kid you should have fun the perfect family, everyone happy and healthy, but life is not always the way it should be. My mum had manic depression from me being three, so I grew up having her with us for a few good months then a few very bad months and then a lot of mum being in hospital. We grew up in a small village and everyone knew where my mum had gone and this resulted in been bullied as no one really understood in those days. I got used to it and grew up hated the fact that my mum wasn't there for me when I needed her, I was the one who picked her wedding dress with no mum, planned my wedding not knowing if she was going to be well and then not helping me when my babies came along. I knew it wasn't her fault but I was young and needed her. My marriage failed and my husband turned my children away from me and they decided that they wanted to live with him, bang my world ended and I went from mistake to mistake resulting in marrying a man I didn't love but thought he could look after me - another mistake and night after night I would dream of bad things happening to him, eventually I left and very shortly after that he died and I thought I had caused it by just by thinking about it. I couldn't cope with this guilt and thought tablets were the way out but was taken care of by my new partner. He thought a new life away from the hurt was going to help me and a year on it might have done but my mum died and I couldn't get to say good bye and to tell her I now know what sort of life she had and in those day the treatment was awful-electric shock, being turn into a zombie state with medication, and I
miss her. I am scared that I will have her life...
I live in a beautiful place, the countryside in Scotland is peaceful but I just look out of the window from the moment my partner leaves then just before he comes home from work I put my smile on its like lipstick aways in my bag to cover how I really am, I cant tell him how I am as he is proud to be looking after me and he loves his new life, how long can I pretend that I am happy before I burst or are caught out. I have tried to get out but at the moment I dont feel safe without been near my partner.
But just writing this is not making me feel better but somehow lighter, is this normal? Am I normal?

No, you don't sound normal. Normal means fit for society, so that society can rely on you and replace you at any time with another normal. But by not being normal you are irreplaceable, although it makes it harder in many other ways for both, you and society. I know, because neither am I a normal one.
Thank you for an honest post.

Hi there Sadsack. I think you are a normal person in the sense that you are a beautiful, wonderful person that is going through a very hard time because of the horrible time you had to go through growing up. To me a reaction to something like that is very normal for someone.

But at the same time it's not a " healthy " position to be in. I know how scared you must be to open up and talk about what you had to go through and what your feeling. But maybe talking is the best option for you. Holding something inside you is so wrong for every reason and it so hard for you to put a burden like that on yourself.

When you first wrote " when your a kid you should have the perfect family and life" ... I sure wish life was that simple. That same saying goes for being an adult too. Please don't let your life now be sad and tore down because of this. There is so much life out there for you. So many positive memories to make. Think of everything you wished and dreamed for. It can still happen !!

If there is anyone you can talk to in your area like maybe professional ? It's really okay to talk to someone. There is no shame in it at all. If not then maybe you should talk to your husband now ?? Sometimes all we need is someone that we love and care about to listen and understand.

If there is no one else I hope that you keep coming here. You can always talk to us here. People here do care.

I sure hope this helps you feel better. I wish I could tell you more