Loss and Love

[nahorletap]

I know that others have lost more than me, I know that I should consider myself privileged due to the opportunities I was given, there are no shortage of people who tell that to me. But loss is relative, to lose everything could mean to lose a job, your house, or a loved one. For me Matt, Chris, John, Kendra, Joel and Raven were my everything, they were a shoulder to cry on and a friend to celebrate with, they first people I would want to talk to in the morning and the last I would text before I went to bed. I loved them plain and simple, but the price we pay for love is loss, the heart-wrenching void in your life, the dark oblivion your blinded by when you hear their names, the unbearable pain you feel when you remember them, the oceans of tears you weep at three in the morning when you just want an end to it all. Three murders, two suicides, and one accident. I'm often asked which one hurt the most, truthfully they all shattered me, I was always lost in the endless tides of grief, despair and loss, for murder I felt a burning rage at whoever was willing to take the life of such a perfect person, for suicide I felt an unbearable grief for not being enough for them and for an accident I was swept away by the injustice of chance. It made me wonder, was love worth loss? The answer was no, and ironically what hurt almost as much as loss was the lack of love I felt, the endless texts and snapchats of how great parties were, never receiving an invitation. Its my fault though, I'm the "sketchy, dark, emotionless" guy and I lack the courage to reach out to others, after all if I hated myself why wouldn't they? It all leads up to those terrible nights where the knife is at your throat, the gun at your head, your feet at the edge, however suicide is one of those things that you plan everyday and postpone every night. One night filled with so much misguided thoughts, I might have slit my throat, pulled the trigger, jumped off the edge. But no matter how alone you feel there are always those who care about you, people who can tell when your smiling just to hide the tears, who can look you in the eyes and say "I know you're not" to the answer "I'm fine". If you were one of the two people and you recognize the names and this story then you know who I am, and hopefully you know who you are to. You saved me from taking my own life, you were the person I couldn't hurt when I considered suicide, any you taught me that love is worth the price of loss. Yes, there are days when I'm crippled by grief, loss and despair, and yes I'm still to timid to reach out to others, but you helped me find a place I never knew existed. To my closest two fellow PFers, thank you for saving my life and for showing me a new everything. To one of you I look forward to spending one more year with you, and I wish the other the best in college. I love you both, thank you for believing in me. To all those who were like how I was, remember no matter what you think you are loved by those around you, and its more than worth it to love back.