Depression Understood Forums

Hi guys, my name is Bryanna. I would be really appreciative if other users would post some advice.

Okay, well, I'm not really sure how to start. I'm quite young, 20 years old, and I live in Lima, Peru with my Peruvian husband. I currently live with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, her husband, her two children, and the employee. (Here in South America it is not unusual to have a live-in maid.) And well, it's going really badly. I'm beginning to miss home a lot. I have a younger brother of 8 years. I feel really guilty because when we was a newborn, I didn't play with him much. I actually really hated his father whom my mom was dating at the time. In this time of my life, I always hid in my room because I didn't feel a part of their family. I've always had depression. Anways, so I really miss home, but besides that, my sister-in-law hates me - or atleast that's how I feel. Here, in this house, I often stay in my room. If everyone (my husband's family members) are eating lunch, I will stay upstairs until they finish and then go downstairs and eat lunch. I feel very insecure, as well. My sister-in-law is 31 years old, but she looks very young. She has a great job and therefore can maintain all the personal expenses. I don't have a job right at the moment, but I often feel ugly compared to her. I feel that because I don't focus all my time on my looks, she and I don't have much to speak about. I feel that part of the reason why they don't like me so much is because my way of being is not exactly like theirs. I'm just a normal girl with normal hair and clothes. I've always been very insecure, as well. I often feel like my husband's ex girlfriend would have been better suited for this family. She was Peruvian (I'm from the US) and very pretty. Everyone here has told me that she was horrible but by the way things are going with me, I think I'm worse. I don't feel happy anymore like I did when I met my husband, or even just a year ago. I feel very down, all the time. I often feel like I hate everything and everyone. Sometimes I feel like I can't forgive and forget. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to forgive them.

Well, this is a small part of my story. I hope you guys can give me some advice.

I suggest you be yourself and after going to counseling and getting on an antidepressant join them for dinners. Don't try to be like your sister in law. Your husband married for you as you are.

Well it seems to me that maybe you're feeling a bit of culture shock? Missing home isn't a crime, and feeling out of place in a different country than you originated from is completely normal. Maybe this culture shock is what is contributing to your negative feelings. I would suggest keeping in regular touch with your family if possible. Seeing or hearing a familiar person may give you the boost you need to keep moving forward.

And as for your troubles with your sister-in-law: Just know that true beauty is found within. Your humble heart is a sign of a beautiful spirit, and your husband obviously saw that in YOU.
Accepting yourself for who you are is a large part in gaining the strength to battle those insecurities. Never try to compare yourself in looks to someone else. I, myself, did that for a while too, but its important to remember that: You are two totally different people, with two totally different appearances, and two totally different personalities; there is no comparison to be made :)

I would also recommend eating lunch with them. Maybe your sister-in-law thinks you don't like them because you're not participating in the gathering time, or feels like you're not making the effort to connect with the family. Being alone makes everything harder. Even if you have to force yourself downstairs, family meal times are very important.

Also, forgiveness is a large part of moving forward. Don't let the past affect your future.

Good luck!

{hug}

Hi Bryanna,
I can understand your view on things from the place you're at emotionally/psychologically.

You've also received some good advice from those who've posted above me.

Forgiveness IS very important. A single grudge can snowball over time into a gigantuan, monster behemoth. Lol. Clearly, I'm exaggerating a bit. I think you get the idea...

There is something else you might want to consider while refusing to join the 'family-eat-together." You may have your reasons for not doing so, but how might that be interpreted by the rest? Is it possible that your absence might be perceived in a way that says "I'm too good to eat with the likes of them?" Perhaps, you could be seen as 'better than thou' or not willing to mutually try and make peace with them?
I apologize if any of my words come across as insulting. This isn't my intention. I'm only challenging you to look at this from a variety of different angles.
It could be that you're coming across as childish or stubborn. If none of these possibilities would bother you, (I wouldn't know) then what advice can I give?

Perhaps, let by-gones be by-gones? Is it within you to forgive, to put aside any differences and give those get togethers a chance? Aside from a tasty side of mashed potatoes and gravy, you might discover an improvement in your relations with them. Anyhow, I believe it's worth a shot. It might feel awkward at first, but I'm sure they would appreciate your willingness to try. (assuming you don't smash a pie into an unsuspecting face) Ha ha!

What do you have to lose?
My advice is to come out of your shell a little bit, forgive what is past, and to move onward. Do so at a comfortable pace, of course! One day at a time...

Good luck and best wishes.

P.S. I also agree with what's been stated by others; Your husband married you because he fell in love with you on the inside and out. While remembering this, doll yourself up and have fun knocking his socks off!