Depression Understood Forums

Sometimes I call myself " the fog watcher " because I like to sit outside and watch the fog as it slowly fills the evenings. The thick veil blocks out everything in sight and for a small moment seems to block away the rest of the world. I've written a lot about the pain I've gone through because I'm a writer and a writer who can't write when they are in pain is like a bird without wings , a night without morning and a human being without breath.

We all come to a point in life where we reach the end of our road. Where the fight we have been fighting for so long has finally taken all from us that it can. When we realize that every story doesn't always have a happy ending , the good guys don't always win and the light at the end of the tunnel we are so desperately trying to find is sometimes only an illusion.

It's funny how life can completely knock the legs out from under you and then expect you to stand back up as strong as you used to be. You always hear stories about heroes who are the strongest ones , the ones who always win.... but what if sometimes the heroes aren't necessarily the strongest. Maybe at times the real heroes are the ones who lost the battle but yet even though they lost , the scars they endured foretold what the true meaning of being a hero is all about.

I've walked the road of loneliness for as long as I can remember. There were times when I thought I finally reached the end only to take a turn in that road that led me right back to where I started.

I fell in love with someone who took my whole breath away and I don't think I've ever been happier in my whole life. The kind of love that makes you want to change the world and shout from the mountain tops.... but it was only short lived. Because my whole world came crashing down when he came to me one day and said that he lied when he told me he loved me. He claimed he was only " high " on drugs when he said it. His exact words was , " I don't love you I was only high when I said that. I was a sick man and said and did a lot of things that I didn't mean." And then he dumped me and told me he was in love with one of my closest friends.

I really don't know how many people there are in this world. A million ? A billion ? All my life I will never be able to understand why of all the people there are he had to choose one of my close friends. A friend that whenever she is around constantly reminds me of how much he likes her more. She does this on purpose and he doesn't even realize this.

There is a lot of people who will call me silly for saying this but I felt a part of my heart die that day. A human heart is capable of withstanding so much pain , yet it goes right on beating only for the sake of keeping you alive. A thousand times in my mind I was scared to death to lose him to drugs , I never imagined losing him to my friend.

There was a lot of things he did to me. He would emotionally and mentally abuse me , yell at me , make fun of me , humiliate me , lie to me , treat me like I was invisible to his eyes , scare the hell out of me at times , worry me sick with his crazy habits. But I don't think there's anything more painful than what he did with her that could have cut me so deeply. I heard a saying once that goes " Sometimes the person that you would take a bullet for is the one that ends up pulling the trigger. " ... and I now believe that with all my heart.

I loved him with the kind of love that you would die for. The one I gave my whole heart to. Sometimes it's so hard to believe that he was the one that ended up killing mine.

I still tried to help him when he had his battle with drugs. I'm not trained in that but I did everything that I could. Sometimes I guess I failed ... but I wish a person could be judged by how much was in their heart and how much they bled , sweat and sacrificed. He used to tell me that he wanted only " strong " women in his life... he never realized that I was giving him everything that I had.

He's the hardest man in the world to try to love.... but I did it for 12 years. I finally gave up when my friend Vicki told me that all I did was make his life worse , she told me that all my help was for nothing and I was only hurting him.

The guilt from not being able to help him as much as I could caused me to have nightmares. I used to have these crazy dreams about a man chasing him. We was on the highway at night down a long stretch of dark , unfamiliar road in a car and an unknown man was driving behind us in a race car. The man was trying to kill him and I was in the passenger seat trying to protect him. I used to call this man the " infiltrator". I talked to someone about my dream and I finally realized the " infiltrator" in my dreams represented all of the helplessness I felt from not being able to help him enough.

There's a secret I've kept hidden for a very long time. I can't have kids which has left me feeling more lonely than I ever have in my life. It tears a hole inside your soul that no one could ever possibly understand unless you are going through it yourself. That is why I always needed friends so badly in my life... but friends , true-blue ones are so damn hard to come by.

My dad was in the hospital , two surgeries and heart failure and I tried so hard to get a hold of my friend Vicki but all she did was ignore me. I was in an accident that banged up my leg and she wasn't even there for me. I've felt suicidal and went to her for help and she called me " melodramatic" and walked right out on me in the middle of our conversation and hasn't spoken to me since.

My friend Jenna walked out on me because she got tired of always seeing me so sad all the time. She never even told me goodbye... she just disappears. One day she decides she doesn't want to be around you anymore and that's it. When I first met Jenna she was suffering from depression and I did everything I could to help her.... support , laughter. I was always constantly telling her how much I believed in her. It wasn't easy but leaving her was never an option to me... yet for her to leave me always came so easily.

Being someone's friend when life is good is one of the easiest things in the world. But being someone's friend when life is hard that's when you find out the true meaning of friendship.

These people was the only people outside of my family that I loved. That I opened up my heart and trusted , that I let all my walls down TO trust................... and the only people that ended up shattering my trust in people.

I'll never be a hero in the sense of being the strongest. Or in the sense of being a " winner ". But I will be one in the small sense of the word because of the scars that I carry.

Maybe I am just a person who is talking out her a$$ when I say this but I believe that people with depression are heroes too. And yes I have depression.

When you can't stand on your feet because the world has knocked them out from under you ... your still a hero.

When nobody in the world seems to understand the pain that your feeling ... not your best friends , not your family members ... hell , if not even your dog seems to understand ... your still a hero.

When your at the edge and ready to jump because you just can't take life anymore... your still a hero ( although I pray with all my heart and soul you somehow find the strength and DON'T jump )

When you can't see the world anymore because the tears in your eyes blurs everything from sight ... your still a hero.

If you drink .... if your a drug addict ... your still a hero. And it IS something that you can beat.

If you feel like a loser , or like your ugly , or like your over weight , or like you will never fit in or find the reason why you were put on this earth .... your still a hero.

If your the kind of person that gives your whole heart and soul only to have it given back to you all in pieces ... your still a hero.

If you've been taken advantage of , used , abused , sexually , mentally , physically or emotionally ... you are still a hero.

If you don't know where your going in this world or don't even know why your depressed ... your still a hero.

We all have a story to tell. Our stories are all very different. All different and yet when it comes down to it ... we are really all the same.

* * * *

I know how crazy it must sound to believe your a hero when you've hit rock bottom , when you think it can't possibly get any darker , or that your life can't get any worse. But I know with all my heart that it is true.

I've always said that depression is a monster that so many can't seem to find the sword that can slay it .. but maybe just maybe the key to finding the sword is to believe more than anything in yourself as being that hero.

And if you can live through that. You can live through anything. <3

Hi JonsDragonEyes,

I can relate to your story as it's similar to what I'm struggling with. I also was someone who wore their heart on their sleeve, someone who always put others needs ahead of their own. Someone who missed out on opportunities because of the needs of others, and the refusal to use people for personal gain.

When you put your heart and soul into a person to help them; not because of pity, but because you truly care for the individual. You want to help them...care for them...only for the reason of that you love them. You see them struggling with their demons...and like a child pulling and kicking to have you let go of their hand at the edge of the cliff...you don't because you know they will fall. Despite how much they fight back...your love for them keeps your hand solid. You know the potential they have and you want them to achieve it.

They may have been treated badly in life, but you want better for them because they are part of you. When they succeed you succeed...when they fail you fail.

But overtime you get kicked down over and over again until the point you just can't get up anymore. The standing 8 count has passed...they have won....you just can't hold onto their hand because you can't hold yourself up....and there is no one there to grab your hand.

Like a mother turning on a child....the pain is incomprehensible.
And like a child, your love is so innocent and unconditional towards them, but they turn on you and betray you. Your stunned...you don't know why...why would they do that? When you have gave so much to help them up...they stand on you to grab something better. You are irrelevant...you don't matter.

When you unconditionally love someone that you go to the point of sacrificing yourself as a person...they leave you there in the dirt. It robs you of your dignity...your self worth. It makes you compare yourself to others and you feel less of a person. You feel so alone and isolated.

You had fought for them for so long that you lose all sense of what's normal...what love should be. That intense euphoric feeling of when you first got together no longer lingers in your mind or soul. You have fallen into such darkness to the point you lose touch of who you really are as a person...what makes you special in this world. The regrets of what you have lost...what could have been...what you will never get back.

Would this pain still exist if selfishness took the lead seat? To have put your needs ahead of their own? To have let them fall? To care more for yourself than others?

I have experienced much physical pain over the years...pain most would deem unbearable. I have been in that surreal moment when you know that death is imminent...when you know that only seconds exist left in your life. All of that does not compare to this pain....this suffering.

Regardless...despite how I may have been destroyed and damaged as a person...I will leave this earth knowing that I am a good person...and that will be something no one will take from me.

Hey there Doogie. It's nice to meet you. I'm really sorry you struggled too.

Thank you so much for your response. Every word you said is true.

And I have no doubt that you will leave this earth a good person and also a beautiful one as well. - But that won't be for a long , long time because there is so much life still ahead of you. And no one and nothing can take that away from you.

Thanks JonsDragonEyes. I'm not one to express my emotions, especially once I feel vulnerable...but it has helped being able to open up to this group.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles also...it makes me feel bad when good people are treated so poorly. I can tell in your writing your a loving compassionate person. The problem is that in being so, it makes it soo easy for others to take advantage of it. You deserve better than how you have been treated, and I hope you find that group of friends and special person that would be lucky to have someone like you in their lives!

Thank you. And always remember your a hero too.

I don't know if I will ever win the fight with depression but tonight I went outside and sat down all by myself and looked up at the stars with a pen in my hand and paper in my lap and I wrote this poem.

I wrote it for all of the people out there that are reading this post. And for myself as well. There is no way I am as strong as I need to be right now. I'm still on my knees , I'm still hurting , I'm still lost. I'm still afraid to trust people. But in some way I hope these words come to the help of someone out there. If it helps just one person that suffers from depression feel a little bit more hopeful it would make me really happy.


Someday I'll be a hero
Though tonight I feel so small
I don't need a suit of armor
Just to believe in myself is all
I've seen the heart of darkness
The road I've walked so long
But the tears that blur my eyes
Won't keep me from being strong
Depression is like a war,
That places scars upon your soul
Life becomes the battleground
So lost out of control
If there is a hell ,
You surely must be there
And it hurts when others around you
Don't even seem to care
Each day you see your world
Turning the darkest shade of black
Your lost down that road,
Where you cant find the way back
At times your left screaming
Yet no one seems to hear
And losing your battle with this monster
Remains your biggest fear
So many things we could tell you,
But so few try to understand
That all we are really asking for
Is just to hold on to someones hand
Looking in the mirror , a strangers face is all you see
When you've lost track of the person , you know you used to be
I've lost count on all the times I've been close to the brink of death
Standing on that edge..... with nothing else left
But I know I will keep fighting this depression
Until my last breath

* * * * * * *
Please excuse the typos , it's been a long week and I'm really tired.

Thanks so much for your post. I am new here and yours in the first story I read. I have major depression and PTSD and what really is hitting home and helping is the fact that the scars represent being a hero. Thanks so much!

Intheprocess

Thank you. Welcome to the message boards

JonsDragonEyes I just read your poem. Thank you, I could relate to it. It means a lot knowing I can read your wise hero words and poems. They make me feel better.

It really means a lot to me to know it made you both feel better. Thank you cjo5 and to you also intheprocess.

Hello JonsDragonEyes, I guess I felt a sort of similarity between us, when I read what you said about losing the one you loved to a friend. I kind of experienced something within that realm. Only, the girl who got the man I had such strong feelings for ended up not wanting him..which was pure irony. She would also complain about how multiple guys said they were madly in love with her...when all I ever wanted was one of them, and would have been quite content.

I really like what you had to say about everyone still being a hero, through all their pain and suffering. It's really nice to hear that, as opposed to, "You're depressed, and you'll never change." Words like that do not help in any way. What you said was a breath of fresh air. I'm really sorry you had to watch someone you love go through that, and how you tried so hard without any recognition. It seems that sometimes you can kill yourself trying to help people, and still receive no gratitude or compassion..but instead retaliation and agony from them.

Hey Ghost_Warbler it's nice to meet you. Gosh, I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did. It's so unfair.

Thank you for your response. For every person that writes and tells me my poem helped them feel a little better makes me feel a little better.

It kinda makes that light at the end of the tunnel a little more closer. I hope someday you find the person that makes all your dreams come true and makes you as happy as you ever dreamed to be. You deserve that. Always.