I feel so alone with no one to relate or turn to.
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 12:56 am
I apologize in advance for the lengthiness, but I need somewhere to get this off my chest ---
My mother was a teenager when I was born, she was only 16. One of my first memories is of my dad pushing her into a glass table and her sitting on the floor crying. I was 2 years old when this happened and I'd have to say it's my only memory from that age. Not long after, he walked out on my mom. I guess that's the beginning of my issues. After he left, my mom got a new boyfriend. They were together for a while, got engaged, she got pregnant with my little sister and they ended up buying a house together. Shortly after moving in, my mom was working night shifts as a CNA. I had an extreme fear of the dark so when I would wake up in the night and get scared, I would go into my moms bedroom and lay with him. He molested me. I still, to this very day, have never told my mother. I never told anyone that really mattered and the few friends I told later on in life, I swore to secrecy. I don't think I told my mom out of fear of her not believing me, which I still struggle with today. I always feel guilty and like people will feel like I'm lying if I speak up about how depressed I feel, etc. A couple years later, they split because he was a drug addict. Not long after, my mom it a new boyfriend. Me and my mother always knew we loved each other, but we never grew a strong mother-daughter connection. She was always very distant, personal, and not very affectionate towards me. I also always felt like if I told her the truth about anything, I would get punished. I feel as though no strong maternal or paternal bond contributed to my emotional shut down. I started to seek attention from boys at a young age. I started having boyfriends as young as 4th grade. When I was in 7th grade, I ran into my first relationship problem. He was physically abusive and I just dealt with it. He actually ended up breaking up with me and I begged for HIM back without success. The end of my 8th grade year, I entered into a new relationship which lasted up until the end of my 9th grade school year. Overall, it was a very happy relationship until he decided one day I wasn't what he wanted. I was devastated. I couldn't eat, I began to drink a lot. I ended up losing 25 pounds... until what I thought was my "savior" came around. A friend I had known for a year who had a strong crush on me. Only 3 months after the end of my previous relationship, I entered into this one. The first 7 months were great; I was in La-La land, believing this relationship was perfect and everything I had ever needed. Things quickly took a change for the worst. Once he had realized how attached I had gotten, he became a big jerk. That went on for about 2 years until the roles flipped and I felt like I was in charge. It was always about power in this relationship. We broke up and got back together several times. We are now still together, 6 years later, and I am completely miserable. We spend completely too much time around each other - we love together, work together, and are completely withdrawn from any type of social lives outside of each other, mostly because there was a lot of jealousy in the beginning of the relationship which led to things just turning out this way. I feel completely stuck. I know I no longer have any intimate feelings for him, I don't even have a sex drive whatsoever. From being so socially withdrawn, it has actually caused a development of social anxiety. I have a really hard time doing anything by myself and initiating any type of relationship with anybody. I am realizing more and more that I have some type of dependency issues and I feel like it's weighed down on my development as a independent person. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I've put on weight because all I do is work, come home, sit on the couch & eat... with him. I feel like I can't do anything without him and I'm so fearful to leave the relationship. I constantly debate what is the best thing for me to do. I know in the pit of my soul we are not meant to be together, but when I feel like I have the strength to leave, my fear of loneliness quickly overpowers is. I need advice on how to move forward and a little bit of suggestion on where to even begin to fix this problem. I'm only 21 years old and I feel like a depressed, miserable old soul that can never be happy again. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
My mother was a teenager when I was born, she was only 16. One of my first memories is of my dad pushing her into a glass table and her sitting on the floor crying. I was 2 years old when this happened and I'd have to say it's my only memory from that age. Not long after, he walked out on my mom. I guess that's the beginning of my issues. After he left, my mom got a new boyfriend. They were together for a while, got engaged, she got pregnant with my little sister and they ended up buying a house together. Shortly after moving in, my mom was working night shifts as a CNA. I had an extreme fear of the dark so when I would wake up in the night and get scared, I would go into my moms bedroom and lay with him. He molested me. I still, to this very day, have never told my mother. I never told anyone that really mattered and the few friends I told later on in life, I swore to secrecy. I don't think I told my mom out of fear of her not believing me, which I still struggle with today. I always feel guilty and like people will feel like I'm lying if I speak up about how depressed I feel, etc. A couple years later, they split because he was a drug addict. Not long after, my mom it a new boyfriend. Me and my mother always knew we loved each other, but we never grew a strong mother-daughter connection. She was always very distant, personal, and not very affectionate towards me. I also always felt like if I told her the truth about anything, I would get punished. I feel as though no strong maternal or paternal bond contributed to my emotional shut down. I started to seek attention from boys at a young age. I started having boyfriends as young as 4th grade. When I was in 7th grade, I ran into my first relationship problem. He was physically abusive and I just dealt with it. He actually ended up breaking up with me and I begged for HIM back without success. The end of my 8th grade year, I entered into a new relationship which lasted up until the end of my 9th grade school year. Overall, it was a very happy relationship until he decided one day I wasn't what he wanted. I was devastated. I couldn't eat, I began to drink a lot. I ended up losing 25 pounds... until what I thought was my "savior" came around. A friend I had known for a year who had a strong crush on me. Only 3 months after the end of my previous relationship, I entered into this one. The first 7 months were great; I was in La-La land, believing this relationship was perfect and everything I had ever needed. Things quickly took a change for the worst. Once he had realized how attached I had gotten, he became a big jerk. That went on for about 2 years until the roles flipped and I felt like I was in charge. It was always about power in this relationship. We broke up and got back together several times. We are now still together, 6 years later, and I am completely miserable. We spend completely too much time around each other - we love together, work together, and are completely withdrawn from any type of social lives outside of each other, mostly because there was a lot of jealousy in the beginning of the relationship which led to things just turning out this way. I feel completely stuck. I know I no longer have any intimate feelings for him, I don't even have a sex drive whatsoever. From being so socially withdrawn, it has actually caused a development of social anxiety. I have a really hard time doing anything by myself and initiating any type of relationship with anybody. I am realizing more and more that I have some type of dependency issues and I feel like it's weighed down on my development as a independent person. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I've put on weight because all I do is work, come home, sit on the couch & eat... with him. I feel like I can't do anything without him and I'm so fearful to leave the relationship. I constantly debate what is the best thing for me to do. I know in the pit of my soul we are not meant to be together, but when I feel like I have the strength to leave, my fear of loneliness quickly overpowers is. I need advice on how to move forward and a little bit of suggestion on where to even begin to fix this problem. I'm only 21 years old and I feel like a depressed, miserable old soul that can never be happy again. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
} , computer course, business course, or whatever you think you would like. Doesn't even need to be something that costs any money as there are lots of free things as well (clubs, social events, etc) Even the library has some good how to books. I think you might need that boost in confidence on something of self accomplishment.