26 years old and im trapped

[TheAfterman]

I need advice. I am a 26 year old male with anxiety and depression, and I feel like I'm heading towards a crisis. I am not currently on any medication due to the fact that all I can get is Celexa because my insurance doesn't cover medications. I have been put on Celexa many times and then just stop taking it because I don't feel that it does anything. Just a little background about my situation: I went to school for my bachelor's degree in English and planned on going for another 2 years to get my Master's degree so that I could become a teacher. My GPA was always between 3.6 and 4.0. I always worked throughout college to help support the household but my mother, a single mother, had a full-time job and payed most of our living expenses. Unfortunately, during my 4th year of college my mother fell ill and could not go to work anymore. It took a while for her to start getting disability checks and in that time she had to file bankruptcy. I got a second job and started balancing 40 to 50 hours a week and being a full time student. My brother also lived with us and was working the same amount but he had graduated college before me and could not find work suited to his degree. We were struggling financially. My grades weren't suffering, but I was. In my last semester that I needed to finish to get my bachelor's degree I began to have anxiety attacks constantly. I finally broke down when I had to give a presentation in front of my class. I panicked in the middle of it and walked out. A few days later I woke up one morning and my heart was beating so fast and I was just wracked with fear, I couldn't even get out of bed. I missed a few days of school and work and I felt like I was going to die. I started having suicidal thoughts and actually started wishing that I would just die. My mother in her weak state stayed with me and was very understanding and encouraging to me through this time, as she always has been. In addition, she has struggled with her mental health (mainly depression) for most of her adult life, so she was familiar with my situation. Ultimately, I ended up in a mental institution after calling a suicide hotline and was there for about 2 weeks. It wasn't a long time but it gave me time to look at myself and my situation, away from all the stressors. I decided I needed to finish this last semester of school and that I needed to cut back on work, and whatever would happen financially would happen. 2 of my 5 professors decided that I missed too much class work to be allowed to continue, even though I explained my situation to them. That left me at the end of the semester with 114 out of the 120 credits I needed to graduate. I decided I would go back the next semester and finish the last 2 courses that I now needed to get my degree.

Now it is 5 years later I still have not finished them. My dream of being a teacher had died throughout the whole ordeal. Things worked out financially and me and my brother both have gotten better paying jobs, not spectacular but better than before. My mother is feeling much better now physically (she lost 150 lbs.) but maintains that she cannot work. We still, all three of us, are living together. The last 5 years have been pretty tough emotionally, but I thought I had been getting better with a combination of less stress and being in therapy. But the depression and anxiety are returning in full swing, almost as bad as it had come 5 years ago. Just recently I decided that I was going to back to school this upcoming January. I have been getting pretty sick of my job, which requires nearly no thought or skill but pays well despite that. I have also struggled my whole life with social anxiety and I feel like I have used television and video games as a way to escape that struggle so much so that I feel it has become an addiction. If I am not working I am usually stuck playing a game or watching TV for lack of knowing what better to do. I have shied away from most social interaction altogether, and when I have tried I always feel weird or out of place or I try to speak and think I sound stupid. Life doesn't make sense to me and I have no hope or energy to do anything. I spend everyday almost exactly the same, away from people and shut away in my room. I have no hope of meeting anyone or having any friends. I am growing resentful and angry. I feel like I'm trapped and I don't know what to do. And finally, here is the question. Has anyone or does anyone feel this way? What should I do? Where should I go? I'm still in therapy and that only helps so much. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I need some help.

[Zarathustra]

First off I want to say that I am sorry for how you feel. Although I am several years older than you can can relate and understand your isolation and feelings of weirdness. Unfortunately I have not much to offer except to tell you that you are not alone with your struggles.

Almost 5 years ago I decided to go back to school after a 20 year hiatus. I had no idea what I was doing or which direction I was headed, but I was just going to start. I began with one class, then two and then four all the while I was working full time as a flight attendant. I struggled emotionally because I am so self conscious of my age coupled with the fact I have never been a very good student. I feel like I have faked my way along in this biology degree reaching my senior year with a 3.7gpa. After being burned out I decided to take a few semesters off and now I am 8 classes short of graduating. I sign up then find a million excuses to drop... I think what we feel is natural, it is hard to want to get back in the swing of things. There is a fear of failure and self humiliation, the only person that can make the decision for you is you. You are the only person that knows what you want and if the timing isn't right it just isn't. Telling you to not beat yourself up is pointless but try to cut yourself some slack. Maybe take a class that you want to take rather one that you need to take?

Hope that helps a little