Depression Is For Life, Not Just For Christmas

[Jar165]

I have endogenous depression.

(I use endogenous depression to avoid typing treatment-resistant, non-psychotic, major depressive disorder.)

I guess I've always had it, but nobody really knows. It first became an issue in my 20's and for 20 years I suffered bout after bout, each bout coming a shorter time after the previous bout than the one before. Eventually I got to an 18 month bout, 18 month recovery, 18 month bout, etc. During a bout I'd take pills, then come off them during the recovery period, before going back on the pills in a never ending cycle.

At that point I told myself enough was enough and that I needed to find a permanent solution to my depression and started taking anti-depressants every day. I've accepted that I'll be taking these pills for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that. I'm never very happy, but I'm also never really depressed - except for last year.

Last year was the worst year of my life. Reaching 50, I developed a mystery physical illness, I went through a bad divorce and I had no money. Things got on top of me and I attempted suicide. I changed my mind at the last second and now, 9 months later I'm back to some sort of stable life.

I have lots of opinions about depression and I'm aiming to spout all that nonsense on these forums. I also need somewhere that I can vent all the issues that are stressing me out, no matter how trivial they seem to be. Also, if I can help someone else struggling with depression then it'll make me feel a little bit better about myself. We are all selfish, self-centred people and I'm no different. It makes me feel good to help others and we all need a boost now and then.

If you have the stamina to read screeds of rubbish then look out for my posts, otherwise you probably want to add me to your Avoid list.