Depression Understood Forums

Well, we all have our stories. This is mine thus far.

I had a wonderful childhood with an older brother and two loving parents. They did, however, fight a lot. But we lived in a beautiful house in the country, with a dog, cat, abundance of food. It was pretty perfect. I suppose the environment was a bit hostile from the fighting that went on. And my mother has PTSD...but God bless her still, she's an amazing woman. Anyway. Who's to say what happened. I hate to blame any of my own doings on my upbringing. Maybe my brain is just wired funny. I can't exactly recall why, but I start self-harming when I was 13. I began to experience depression, although I wasn't entirely aware of it. I was a top grade student...top of my class, to be honest, with a large circle of innocent, vibrant girl friends in a small town. I always had problems with nightmares....sleep wasn't my favorite hobby.

I guess it all started going really down hill when I dropped out of high school in grade 11 and took off with my boyfriend across the country. (ha, you don't say!) Long story short, we returned months later. I quit self-harming because it bothered him. I quit smoking. But...those habits were replaced with a disgusting need to control everything. I lost all of my friends after dropping out and became terrified of people. I started having anxiety attacks. My parents got a divorce....that didn't help. I married at 19, moved to Ottawa with hubby and went to college as a mature student. 4 years later, we divorced.

I have a decent enough job at a dental office. My social anxieties are gone. I'm a social butterfly now. I never panic. I'm very chill. I take things in stride. I did try anti-depressant drugs during the time of my separation....those were fun. Napped often. Felt like a warm blanket. But I felt....even more apart from myself and the world, so I stopped. The doctor told me at the time that I had borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure if I even believe in that. The diagnoses, or the title itself. Why don't they just title everything in the same category? "You are suffering from messed up disorder."

Mm hmm. I reckon I am, Doc.

Anyway. I haven't self harmed. The smoking is off and on. The dreams are continuous - not always nightmares but so often deranged. I drank far, far too much over the winter. I feel afraid of nothing. I don't care to kill myself, because that would hurt my family. Also, I don't think I could follow through with it. But I often fantasize about it. Part of me is driven, ambitious, romantic and child-like. The other half is dead....and marinating in an ocean of pain, doesn't see the point in anything when everything leads to death in the end. Seems silly. I mean really, I laugh at it. A dark sense of humor, I guess. I can understand that this is a problem and it does affect my life and well being. I understand logical thinking. I often lift other people's spirits, which is too ironic, given the state of my own. I was recently told by a coworker that I am very positive and bring a good feel to the atmosphere at work. I sort of had to shake my head at that. It's not that I'm being fake. I LOVE people. I love to lift them up. I love to laugh. All of that is genuine. But then there's....this disgusting side of me. I don't understand how the two dwell in one body, but they do. I also feel completely separate from myself sometimes.

I get away with all of this, anyway. Awesome social life, I'm fit, I workout, I'm artistic and I'm constantly getting promotions at work. So maybe I should just shut up about it because all things on the exterior are going quite well.

But it's there, inside of me. Very much so. And I'm trying to live with it. How do you know if you're doing a good job. I mean...if "life" is good...then are you doing well, or not? Because the inside of myself...it's not good. It's really not good.

Hello SMichelleA,

Thanks for sharing your story.

I have read a few of your posts and you genuinely seem like a very bubbly person. My guess is you can behave this way or come across more positive when there are other people around. How we act when we are alone and when we are dealing with others can be very different. Guess we can call that a front, a facade, a shell etc and people are just skimming the surface of who you really are. People can be vulnerable on the inside and they create layers and layers of barriers to protect themselves or to create a shield/separate character that helps them fit in better into society.

You wrote: "Part of me is driven, ambitious, romantic and child-like. The other half is dead....and marinating in an ocean of pain, doesn't see the point in anything when everything leads to death in the end."

I understand how you feel and I often compare my life to a snow globe, looks great from the outside but stormy on the inside. Over the years I have come to realize that the storm is created by no one but myself + my thoughts + my choices. If I want things to change, it is down to me to make it happen. I was too focused on making things look great on the outside, I have neglected who I was on the inside (a bit like spending too much time on the fancy wrapping paper but forgetting that the important thing is the gift inside). I guess this "packaging" thing plays a big role as to why we act the way we do, from a young age we are conditioned to act and behave a certain way as we don't want to be portrayed as unkind, selfish, greedy, dumb, a failure or whatever. Be like everyone else and you can't go wrong, we chase after things; fame, money, love, power, success, respect, recognition... etc. believing it will bring us happiness. I know many who have ticked quite a few of those boxes yet still feel empty on the inside like a shell that is hollow...

I think many people develop 2 different personalities; like two sides of a coin, an interior and exterior, the face and the mask etc. The one we show to others (the facade) influenced by external factors; family, friends, society, media etc. Then the other one - our core, who we really are which is driven by our own values and beliefs. Maybe in today's world we do need two faces because of the need fit in and to be accepted by others. However, it is probably best if they were both merged into one, primarily driven from the core but being able adapt to our changing surroundings. If we focus on the facade, we lose ourselves and we are the ones who suffer for it because it is not aligned with who we are. However if we work from the inside, we have a chance of finding inner peace and be somewhat happy/content no matter what we have or where we are. Our happiness will shine from within and not because we are wearing fancy clothes, driving flashy cars or having people work under us etc.

There is no one answer fits all as we are different so all I can suggest is to find a way to tap into your inner, deeper thoughts to find your own light, your destination. Some look into spirituality, religion or simply go through life experiences which help you learn more about who you are and who you want to be. Someone once said to me life is about self discovery and self development, that was years ago but now I'm starting to agree. I used to think it was about having the latest Chanel bag, earning more money than your friends and all that crap, creating competition out of nothing. So don't waste your whole life chasing coins as life doesn't revolve around shopping, bills and taxes, that's just a way to keep people busy and under control. People who spend years or a lifetime building a life that they thought they wanted (or what society thinks they should want) and then realizing how meaningless it all is when it isn't driven from within is truly tragic.

I don't know if this applies to you but don't neglect that other half of you and I wish you all the best in finding your happiness.

x

Hey Ieris....thanks for the reply. You seem to have an abundance of wisdom Much appreciated.

Tmrw evening I'll be seeing a counselor for the first time to discuss things...who knows what will come of that but it's is free through work benefits...suppose it can't hurt, right?