Depression Understood Forums

I suffer from bipolar disorder, OCD, generalized anxiety, major depression, and borderline personality disorder. I have self-destructive habits: I drink, I smoke, and use other substances which I'm not very proud of.

How did I get this way you may ask? Well... it all started when I was 13 years old and my dad past away. Seeing myself, my mom, and my siblings in ruins really stuck with me. They all went on to live productive lives, while I just kind of rotted away. The only way for me to cope was to engage in self-destructive habits and use drugs just so I didn't have to be myself for a few hours.
Ever since I was about 16, I started to heavily drink (every day), smoke marijuana, cigarettes, and other narcotics which seemed to only mask the pain and not cure it. I've always suffered from a low sense of self-esteem and now its manifested in me so much that I don't think I can turn myself around.

I got involved with my first and really only serious relationship when I was 17 years old. Things seemed great at the time and I was truly in love. We were together for 4 years; but of course that came to an end. I had found out she had cheated on my 2 years prior into our relationship and I just couldn't couldn't get past it. My heart was broken, my father-figure was gone, I had lost my job due to stress, and I was dealing with many addictions.
So I am 22 years old today and it seems everything in my past haunts me. I dream about the most strange things and I wake up crying and angry and every night.
I want to change my life around, but its hard for me to see the point of going on because a huge part of me feels like I'll never be as happy as I used to.
I struggle with suicidal thoughts every single day of my life and its such a burden. Trying to tell myself things will get better but they only seem to get worse.
I don't know what or who to turn to anymore.

Hi.....wanted to send a note to you to let you know you're definitely not alone. I have anxiety, depression and chronic pain.....Altho I dont know anything about your other issues my heart goes out to you. I cant imagine what its like to have suicidal thoughts every day.....My brother went thru 15 years similar to what you have been going thru. He finally made the choice to stop meth and has been clean and sober 9 years.

Im here if you want to talk.

Hugs,

Laurie

Hey....I get the dreams too.

Isn't is bloody annoying when you cannot escape your own misery, not even in your dreams?

Ya. Sure is. Anyway. Chin up, soldier. Try some chamomile tea before bed...with honey (good for anxiety). Sounds silly but it truly helps me sleep better.

As for the rest....I'm in the same boat. I say we paddle for shore instead of abandoning ship. There might be a hidden treasure on the island