Depression Understood Forums

I am not little in actuality, I am 25 years old and supposed to be in the prime in my life. I was diagnosed with situational depression when I was sixteen years old due to abandonment issues, my father left and started a whole new family and we actually have talked since before my sixteen birthday. This depression lasted about a year and by the time I graduated high school I was happy, genuinely happy and ready to start my life as an adult. About ten months ago that all stopped and I don’t know why and I have become increasingly sadder and sadder. I have a great life, I really do. I have a job I love working with children, I’m in college getting my teaching credential, I have a very supportive mother as well as an unbelievably good best friend, and I even have had a boyfriend for the last year and he seems to care about me.

When I am around people I can kind of pull it together, I have often been accused of putting everyone else needs before my own. The moment I am alone however I feel so empty, like I have no purpose. I cry all the time when I am alone, for no reason I can put my finger on. I feel like I have failed a life, it should be grander. I cry looking at peoples photos on facebook because I am so jealous of the happiness they seem to have. I know that is not always the best judgment of a person’s life because you don’t know what is going on when the camera isn’t around. If that is the case I am jealous they can fake it and people are happy for them.
I cannot help but put others happiness before my own which I know is so horribly wrong but I can’t seem to stop. (Like just now my mother called and I automatically stopped crying and put on a happy voice). There have been multiple occasions that I show a bit of my sadness to my boyfriend or my best friend and I have been told that on multiple occasions that I over think things. This may have some validity as I am truly at my worst when I am alone. The problem is I don’t know how to deal with it. It has now begun affecting my sleep. I lay awake for hours, despite taking melatonin or I even tried neuro sleep drink, then once I am asleep I toss and turn until I wake up again around two hours later (if that) then the whole process starts over again.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost in my own life. I often feel like I am drowning and sometimes I wonder if I just give in will it be easier. From my prior bout with depression I know that suicide is not the answer, I have dealt with those issues and never again. I do worry however at my different circumstances. Last time I knew my trigger this time it seems to be just my life. I am new to this so I was thinking maybe being able to share on here will help. I do not feel the need to make everyone happy on here as I do with those I interact with daily.

Hello LostLittleGirl,

I think it is quite common for people to put on a mask, they want to show their best side and make people believe that everything is OK. When the curtains have fallen, the spotlights are off and they're standing there alone they can stop all the acting because there is no audience. Isn't it tiring living like that? Spending all that energy into performing for others when that energy could be better used to pursue something that truly makes you happy. Reaching for something real rather than pretending as if you already have it.

I have seen some of the happiest people I know break down, they have perfected their performance but just one slip for everyone to realise it was all smoke and mirrors. Like you said, you don't know what happens when the cameras arent rolling so people may not be as happy as it seems. I'm glad you see through all that, the constant need to be happy just isn't realistic.

I believe that behind the mask people do have moments of happiness, but they just choose to focus on the negative. Like the way you help people, I believe that's a genuine side of you so don't overlook those moments. Although helping people is a good thing, don't use that as a way to distract yourself from dealing with your own issues.

You can step down from that stage when you are ready, we are not actors so there is no need to act like one. We do not live like they do in the movies, they cut and paste all the good and exciting parts to fit into a 2 hour gap. There aren't always happy endings either, when there is its just written and created by a team of people. You write your own story and your happy ending is in your own hands.

You can go out and search for that missing puzzle but sometimes what you want is sitting right beside you. You can change your environment, your friends, your job, your situation but sometimes the thing that really needs to be changed is you. When you have a moment of calmness, have a think about what you want to change in your life and what it is that you truly want. (If you have difficulty figuring that out send me a PM and I can send you some website links which can help you).

I hope you find a solution to your problems, all the best x