All that is left from my bizarre life.
Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:57 am
I dont even know where to begin. I think I just need to get a lot of things off of my chest. I talk with my family and it just seems like they are to close to me to understand. I do not feel like people understand me. I constantly feel like I am trapped inside of my body. I am just doing the motions of life. I do not understand life at all. I get confused at what I am suppose to be doing. Everything just seems pointless.
My biological parents, as I was adopted, were probaly the beginning of why I feel so alone all of the time. My mother was in and out of mental institutions throughtout my latent years. My dad was never around. We were broke and always living off of the system. I remember burning trash in the living room to keep warm. My father was neglectful and always calling me names. They ignored me. My mother was an alcoholic. I do not remember ever seeing her sober. My father staged his own murder when I was 9 years old. My mother fell deeper into her insanity. She started drinking hard core. There was never any food in the house. She be-friended a woman and they became lovers. Sandee was my world. She came in and got things together for us. We had structure. Soon after Sandee came into our lives her father died. He was struck by a drunk driver. Sandee lost control after that. My mother and her started drinking together. Sandee would beat her self up. She would hit her head on the wall that it would knock her out. They would fight all of the time and my sister and I had to come in be-tween so many fights. There were some train tracks about 200 feet from our apartments. One morning Sandee and my mother got into a fight and I punched Sandee in her face because she tried to hit my sister. An hour later I heard the train tracks coming to a complete hault. Sandee had layed down on those tracks and killed herself. I remember knowing what happened. I ran out towards the tracks and was stopped by a police officer. I was screaming. My mother lost it. Actually we all did. It was way to much for me to comprehend at 12. We started moving around into hotels. My mother was bringing home strange people all of the time from bars. We ate out of dumpsters, we lived in the salvation army, my mother blamed the death on me when she was drinking. I ran away. I ran away at the age of 12. I hitchhiked across the state. My sister started having kids at 15. She refused to let me come live with her. I was picked up and was living with a prostitute. I was kidnapped by gunpoint by my grandparents. When I was there they would torture me. Do not even want to get into that. I eventually got away. Well, i ran away again. I was pretty good at that.
There is to much to tell. Now I know that I am a closed book. I let no one into my life. I am always so alone. I want so bad to be in a healthy relationship but how can I when I am not healthy? I think I push people away because I am so afraid of be abandoned or hurt again that I choose people who I know will leve that way it wont hurt as much when they do go. I started drinking when I was young. My mother bought me my first beer when i was 13 for my birthday. I drink to oblivion. I drink so much I hurt myself. No one believes me because I put on a pretty good mask. I sleep all of the time. I cry a lot. I am 27 and have never been in a long term relationship with anyone. I push everyone away. I cry some more. I dont know what to do with myself. When I am alone I get so frustrated over little things and scream and hit whatever it is that I am angry with. I still hide that from everyone. I have anxiety attacks now. I think I am getting worst. So So lost.
My biological parents, as I was adopted, were probaly the beginning of why I feel so alone all of the time. My mother was in and out of mental institutions throughtout my latent years. My dad was never around. We were broke and always living off of the system. I remember burning trash in the living room to keep warm. My father was neglectful and always calling me names. They ignored me. My mother was an alcoholic. I do not remember ever seeing her sober. My father staged his own murder when I was 9 years old. My mother fell deeper into her insanity. She started drinking hard core. There was never any food in the house. She be-friended a woman and they became lovers. Sandee was my world. She came in and got things together for us. We had structure. Soon after Sandee came into our lives her father died. He was struck by a drunk driver. Sandee lost control after that. My mother and her started drinking together. Sandee would beat her self up. She would hit her head on the wall that it would knock her out. They would fight all of the time and my sister and I had to come in be-tween so many fights. There were some train tracks about 200 feet from our apartments. One morning Sandee and my mother got into a fight and I punched Sandee in her face because she tried to hit my sister. An hour later I heard the train tracks coming to a complete hault. Sandee had layed down on those tracks and killed herself. I remember knowing what happened. I ran out towards the tracks and was stopped by a police officer. I was screaming. My mother lost it. Actually we all did. It was way to much for me to comprehend at 12. We started moving around into hotels. My mother was bringing home strange people all of the time from bars. We ate out of dumpsters, we lived in the salvation army, my mother blamed the death on me when she was drinking. I ran away. I ran away at the age of 12. I hitchhiked across the state. My sister started having kids at 15. She refused to let me come live with her. I was picked up and was living with a prostitute. I was kidnapped by gunpoint by my grandparents. When I was there they would torture me. Do not even want to get into that. I eventually got away. Well, i ran away again. I was pretty good at that.
There is to much to tell. Now I know that I am a closed book. I let no one into my life. I am always so alone. I want so bad to be in a healthy relationship but how can I when I am not healthy? I think I push people away because I am so afraid of be abandoned or hurt again that I choose people who I know will leve that way it wont hurt as much when they do go. I started drinking when I was young. My mother bought me my first beer when i was 13 for my birthday. I drink to oblivion. I drink so much I hurt myself. No one believes me because I put on a pretty good mask. I sleep all of the time. I cry a lot. I am 27 and have never been in a long term relationship with anyone. I push everyone away. I cry some more. I dont know what to do with myself. When I am alone I get so frustrated over little things and scream and hit whatever it is that I am angry with. I still hide that from everyone. I have anxiety attacks now. I think I am getting worst. So So lost.
