I'm tired (a long post and potentially triggering)

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ShastaJoe
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I'm tired (a long post and potentially triggering)

Postby ShastaJoe » Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:06 pm

I'm tired.

I'm tired of having a blood cancer with no cure. The only treatment for my condition involves killing the white blood cells that overload my blood stream with harsh toxic chemicals that make me quite ill on their own. This suppresses my immune system, eventually landing me in an isolation ward with severe pneumonia. If I forgo the treatment, I become so anemic that I can hardly walk around the house without running short of breath, and my blood clotting factors drop so low that actions as simple as getting dressed cause vivid purple bruises which I have to either explain or cover with long shirts and pants.

I'm tired of having a heart arrhythmia. I hate enjoying a quiet moment and suddenly feeling my heart rate increase to over 200 beats per minute. I get terrible headaches when my blood pressure reaches numbers like 270/180. I hate the adrenaline rush that occurs, and I especially hate being defibrillated (shocked) back into a normal heart rhythm while I'm conscious. I hate taking medications that I know are slowly turning my liver to swiss cheese.

I'm tired of having progressive arthritis in most of my major joints. The cold winter weather in northern California, while not “cold” by many people's standards, tends to make me stiff as a board and only able to move with great discomfort. I'm tired of pain medications that make me hallucinate while burning the lining out of my stomach.

I'm tired of having seasonal affective disorder, spending every winter in a cold gray world where the chill breezes seem to whistle through my skeleton, leaving me desperately cold and physically stiff.

I'm tired of major depressive disorder. I describe it like this... I'm at a fancy dinner party with wonderful friends, eating the most delicious food imaginable. Every bite is a new treat and everyone comments on the quality, taste and texture of the food. I comment, too, but my comments are hollow because I can't taste anything. The food converts to a bland mush as it crosses my lips, and the only enjoyment of the meal for me is the vicarious experience of hearing my dinner partners' reactions to the feast.

I'm tired of living in a disability system that dictates where I can live and what I can own. I don't enjoy living in a neighborhood of sick, wrinkled people with few teeth and an abundance of assault firearms... people who can't afford to buy clothes for their children yet always have money to spend on ammunition... people who feel that the best way to punctuate an argument is to shoot up someone's car. I'm tired of the nearly-always-present police helicopter hovering overhead. I'm not interested in spending time with people who are in the throes of violent amphetamine psychosis.

I'm tired of telling people that I was once a school teacher and a college professor, only to have them berate me for “having a cushy state job” and exhorting me to pursue a “real career”. I'm tired of being the rope in a political tug-of-war, wondering how soon the politicians will cut my benefits to the extent that I'm once again homeless.. I'm tired of reading newspaper headlines that refer to people like me as “shiftless” or “lazy”. I'm tired of my local elected representatives referring to people like me as “social parasites” while they pocket huge sums of federal agricultural subsidies along with other government perks and outright bribes from their corporate masters.

I'm tired of moderating the depression chatroom (although I intend to continue). Actually, it's not moderating the room that's bothersome – it's the abuse and ridicule I receive in the process. I'm moderated the room for several years off and on with hopes of keeping the room a safe place for our chatters to work through their issues, learn and grow. In return, I receive invitations to engage in acts that are biologically unlikely if not downright impossible.

I'm tired of living in the town where I grew up, knowing that I have no personal connections to any of it anymore. My parents are dead and buried west of town, and my sisters have had nothing to do with my since about the time of our father's funeral. It seems that once our parents were gone, there was no reason for my sisters to continue the charade of being friends of mine.

I'm tired. My spirit is empty and a cold dry wind whistles through it. My past is scattered behind me like a waste heap that represents 57 years of wasted efforts, broken promises, uncompleted dreams and lost opportunities. I've tried to live my life as a modern Don Quixote and in the end, I find myself facing the same dilemma – was Don Quixote a saint and servant, or was he just a crazy old man that should have been locked up for his own safety?

I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm sick and I'm lonely, and I don't know what to do. All I know for sure is that I can't continue to do nothing. This situation is unacceptable, inhuman and inhumane. I'm not living... I'm merely failing to die. I continue to exist, but one can see that same talent in a brick. I don't know what to do, but perhaps it doesn't make any difference – whatever I do might improve my situation, but there's nothing I can do that will make it worse than it already is.

I'm sorry... and I'm tired... so tired...
Last edited by ShastaJoe on Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"It's the end of the world!", cried the caterpillar.
"It's just the beginning!", said the butterfly.

Tired
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Postby Tired » Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:17 pm

Dear (((( Joe )))),

I can offer one bright spark. I still love you despite all the ribbing that you give me.

Much Love,

Satdeep

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ShastaJoe
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Postby ShastaJoe » Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:24 pm

((((( Satdeep ))))) I rib you so little compared to Syd and PixieArmy... the female is the deadlier of the species... :)
"It's the end of the world!", cried the caterpillar.

"It's just the beginning!", said the butterfly.

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Postby metaLarsllica » Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:32 pm

((((((((((((((((((( ShastaJoe )))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm not good at always knowing what to say..... just know i'm here, I care and hold all my hugs in your pocket for when you need them. I'm not letting go.
"All messed up and slightly twisted, am I sick or am I gifted"

Tired
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Postby Tired » Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:39 pm

ShastaJoe wrote:((((( Satdeep ))))) I rib you so little compared to Syd and PixieArmy... the female is the deadlier of the species... :)


Truer words have never been uttered.

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Postby PixieArmy » Wed Mar 26, 2014 2:41 pm

((((((((((((( ShastaJoe ))))))))))))))) love ya very much big brother. Nd I know you are tired nd I empathize with so much of what you write. And I know online hugs will never replace real life ones, but you got your family here, that loves you very much.

I know light will come to your life soon, and I have all trust that you will re-emerge from all this. I know we get grievance from time to time, but for me you are a person full of light, even if you feel in the shadows today, you always bring a smile to my face.

Hang in there bro, nd let us carry you on this low moment.

Much hugs and love,

Pix
To love the times we have, to like what makes us sad, to lose and say goodbye, to last until our moment comes.

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Postby windsong » Wed Mar 26, 2014 2:58 pm

(((((((Joe)))))))))))) Not sure what to say here, and I usually always know what to say. You've been through so much and going through so much so it's understandable that you are tired. Known you for a lot of years Joe, and can say that I've always looked forward to seeing you around. And you got a bunch of people in the room that care about you. So hang in there okay? And lean on us as much as you need.
windsong


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