Depression Understood Forums

I am in my early 30’s. Living alone with my dog and fish. I am currently re-attempting my relationship with my ex but have no trust left for anyone.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and I am ok with that since they really don’t belong together. I am the oldest of 3, my brother is 28 and is an alcoholic and major drug user who blame all of us. My sister is 17 from a different father who has many issues as well. Both my parents chase me when there are problems with my siblings. My dad not understanding anything and my mom asking for help with my sis but never taking my advice. Frustrates the crap out of me. It has come to the point where I don’t care if don’t talk to anyone ever again. And this is my family.
I lived with mom till i turned 19 when I moved with my first serious boyfriend that i stayed with for 6 years. He cheated on me 3 times and i took him back everytime. We also faught alot and physically but I am very tiny and he 6ft3, 23l5bs, so that never ended well. It took all my courage to leave him and start over which caused me to lose all my friends since we had all friends in comon. He was very possesive and jealous yet he was the one who cheated.

My second relationship was no better. He had trust issues like i have now, and believed I was with other men during our entire 3 year relationship when i never cheated once. I beccame explosive due to multiplle accusations and even hit him after being called names. I started therapy and taking anti-depressants and emotion numbing meds. I felt I lost myself due to both relationships. I started drinking alot to the point where I always blacked out . In these back outs, if he would say something that was a trigger i would lash out, fight, cut myself etc. He eventually left me and I moved to my fathers temporarily and stoped work for a couple of months to re-coop.

I couldnt live with my dad since he knew nothing about me. He is stuck in the old ways and didn’t understand anything. So i found my own place and started over. I then joined a dating site and met my current bf. He lies to me. He chats with other females (explicitly) and deletes everything but I caught him. And now recently caught him again. I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I’ve had my brother and one of my ex’s arrested. I’ve been arrested also. I was raped at 14 when i lost my virginity. I was gang banged at a party when i blacked out and found out the next morning when only 1 person remained and showed me the video.

I’ve become so explosive that I can’t control my outburst even when they are fully justified. It’s like I can’t handle anything anymore. I have the shakes 90% of the time, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep a full night. I’ve stopped taking all meds because I’m fedup of being a zombie but now I wish I had something to keep me calm so i drink to keep me calmer and happier. The only thing that helps right now. I dont see the point in living anymore as I’ve secluded myself from everyone and everything. I dont have any friends left that can support me. I don’t want to leave my home or be in public anymore. I’ve lost too much weight and it’s getting scary.

I hate my job although I am very good at it and can’t seem to think of anything I would want to do other than staying home and never leaving. Walking my dog is hard since i avoid contact with ppl and ppl tend to say i dont look sociable. So i let him out on my balcony to avoid being out in public.

I have scars from cutting myself, I wish I had the courage to end my life but i fear death and dont want to abandon my dog. When I am angry cutting myself is the first thing that comes to mind as it eases my anger rather than lashing out on someone or something else. It has been a while since I’ve done this though. I’m getting embarassed of the scars on my arms.

My adrenaline levels are always high and when I get aggitated they cause me to black out. I have OCD, BPD, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, and abandonment issues.

Sometimes i wonder if it’s because deep down i like being miserable because I cant remember when was the last time i ever truly felt happy rather than putting a facade that i am.

Hi Camaro

So identified with your post. I too feel like I am giving up the fight. I too self harm and am deeply ashamed of the marks on my arms and stomach now. I also feel like ending it but am too scared of pain, death and messing up my children (I have dragged three people into this circus, which is another guilt to deal with). I drink to black out too. It's almost as if my mind learned this disassociation trick and does it quicker now than before. It might be linked to shame. I have run into all sorts of trouble during black out. I have stopped caring about me, it's those around me whom I could and do hurt that I worry about.

I quit drinking last year by reading Alan Carr and although I get it, I think the drinking that comes with a depressive mind is far more complex than the drinker who believes that alcohol is giving something positive that he/she has merely lost. I wasn't that depressed last year as I was getting enough light and exercise and had a confidence boost from stopping drinking and smoking. Then depression crept in at around Christmas and I couldn't believe the same thoughts that I had thought I had banished with quitting we're back. Stronger and more scary in fact. I realised this time that a bout of depression will lead me to drink because being drunk gives me something to do, even if that something is putting out the fires and patching up the cuts and bruises afterward. It sounds terrible to say getting drunk is something to do but for me the complete lack of life, energy and purpose of a depressive episode is far worse. A twisted meaning to face the world?

I feel quite trapped in a negative self harm cycle at the moment. Like you, I sometimes wonder if I just enjoy being miserable. I definitely think it's what I know and tend to think it's what I deserve. Funnily enough, writing this has led to a bit of a breakthrough and I am feeling a lot more positive. So thank you.

You've had a rough time of life and it breaks my heart that a human should be so worn down in spirit. I hope you find some path. Xx

Thank you for your reply Lostintime.
I ended up going to a phsyc hospital last night and am home now i cut up my arms again and cant attend my dads 6th tonight and had lie about it. i still can't breath and since i dont want to be around anyone, the hospital had to release me with someone that will Watch me for a fewdays. so my now ex as on last night was the only one aware of my situation and problems so he's here now watching me. I feel like i want to choke him the way he makes me choke but I also want to be in his arms. Messed up. I need therapy but i dont want to go anywhere.
I know im not alone feeling like this and glad you found some comfort in your issues by reading/replying my post.