Depression Understood Forums

Hi everyone,

I just found this place and it seems like a good place to tell my story. I'm not one who talks openly about my problems but my soul is getting older and I feel like it's now or never to get help with this ongoing depression and anxiety. I will keep it short partly because I'm horrible at typing and because I have the attention span of a gnat. I have been suffering from depression all my life. Oh I have good years and periods where I'm feeling fine but depression is always around the corner. I have no self confidence and hate myself. The anxiety is a new symptom and it's awful. I feel constantly on edge. I can't even sit through a movie at the theater because the loud sounds will cause a panic attack. On the outside it appears everything is fine. People like me and I get along with everyone but I don't have any friends. I keep everyone at arms length and don't let people in so to speak. I never thought that what happened to me as a boy would be affecting me now at age 40 but I guess I must start to realize that. I was sexually abused as a boy by an older kid that lived near me. I just never really think about it but I guess somehow it does affect me. I wonder if there are other men out there that have been affected by sexual abuse as a kid and now have problems in middle age. I have had relationships with women but I never let it get too serious. Job wise I have never been able to hold down a good job. I mean I'm a great worker and I always get promoted but sooner or later I end up quitting and hiding from the world. At 38 I went back to school and graduated with an associates degree. Depression hit me bad midway through school. I was able to finish because I studied night and day to get my mind off of the depression. Now at 40 I don't even use my degree and have been without a job for more that a year. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Ok I'm done rambling. Thank you for listening. I'll end on a positive note. I just got approved for Medicaid and am going to get professional help for my depression and anxiety.

Hello moodflakes,
You seem like a nice person.
I read and then reread what you wrote, only to realize that I can strongly relate to you...

Firstly, I want you to know how sorry I am for the abuse you suffered. Whether or not it happens once, or is ongoing it causes a person to feel dirty and even at fault. It's only the fault of the cruel, depraved a****** who does the abusing. You asked if it's possible to still be affected by it at your current age. The answer is "yes." Things like this are usually swept under the rug and undealt with; who wants to relive it by talking about it? It causes one to feel disgusted, embarrassed and vulnerable all over again.
With that said, however, how does one truly bury that which comes back to haunt, unless we slay the ghost? We can bury it deep down, but eventually it will and does return to the surface. You need to talk about this, and anything else painful that you keep bottled up inside. It's important when you do, though, that it's with a counselor you like and trust. If you don't like the counselor, it is your right to ask for a different one you find easier to talk to. You can also choose whether they're male or female!
I'm a 41 yr old female, but I feel more at ease conversing with men. (for the most part)
Congratulations on getting your Medicaid, by the way! It has helped me with a lot.

Anyway, I know that bottling up sensitive issues is a way of self protection. It allows us to forget, if only for a time, what hurts us.
Like you, I've had panic attacks for years. I have both anxiety and panic disorder. The difference between the two? Anxiety disorder brings on anxiety attacks when a stressor triggers them. Panic disorder doesn't need a stressor for a full blown attack. It's awful either way!!
I just couldn't and can't hold a job, and because of other issues as well, succeeded in obtaining SSI.
After being turned down twice, a lawyer turned the tables for me.

A couple of years ago, I was in a discussion with a friend about my panic attacks. I told him that it was strange to go from a calm/good mood into a full blown attack at the flip of a dime. He offered an interesting perspective on this, that I'd like to share with you.
He reminded me that I've had a lot on my plate in life. He also reminded me of my being "hard" in that I don't dwell on anything- that I bury things to stay tough. What he said next was extremely interesting. He voiced his concern that since I've learned to suppress so much, that my panic attacks could be my past's way of "burping itself up" on me. This was quite a revelation, and made a great deal of sense!
Afterall, it started out as depression with me too. Then, I developed anxiety attacks while under stress. Panic Disorder reared it's ugly head like a monster, AFTER so long of burying so much pain! Nowadays, it's difficult to get out of the house, even while on my xanax med.

Please release your pain, and pray for healing of those inner wounds! Sometimes, we cover gaping wounds with bandaids, when they truly need stitches.
You need to heal. It will initially be painful, but with time you'll notice relief.
I'm just beginning to work on this too...talking about things more. Right here, is a great place to start. Anonymously. At your own pace. However you wish.

Just know that I'm in your corner. Take care.

Hello Moodflakes,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Your post subject: Lost soul wandering this world with no compass reminded me of a quote: "Run without a destination, then you'll see what freedom can be". I guess you see it some other way, but i understand how life would be much simpler if we have some sort of direction because when we are left to explore with no aim it can become rather overwhelming. I believe we all have a compass deep inside us, some strongly point in one direction and some flicker around because some people are just curious souls. You may be trying to move forward and escape from your past but if there is a void in your heart you may still feel the same no matter where you go. Sometimes in order to move forward you need to go backwards, you won't be able to undo what has been done but you can try do untie those knots which have been left in your heart. I am sorry to hear about the abuse that you have experienced, i wont go into that here as that is so personal but I hope you find a good therapist who you can openly talk to about it. By opening that box which you have kept locked away for so long, I hope you find a way to let go and find peace.

You say that you have no self confidence and hate yourself, why do you hate yourself and what is stopping you from changing if you are not happy with who you are? You said people like you and you get along with everyone so you don't seem as bad as you think you are. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for your accomplishments, job, promotions, degree. You end up rejecting these things because they may not be what you really want but what society wants for us. I think it is important that people stand on their own feet and not bend the way the wind decides to blow. Search deep down and ask yourself what you really want, even if it seems inaccessible. If you can't answer this question then I suggest two books which can help you find the answer: 1. Wishcraft by Babara Sher and 2. First know what you want by Andrew Halfacre.

If you had total control, what would your ideal self be like? What would your surroundings be like? Use that as a starting point and that should hopefully help you learn more about yourself and understand why you are the way you are.

x

Ieris, 4EverMe

Thank you for your kind words and support. I guess I get angry at myself for not being able to be the person I think I should be. Fear cripples my true self. I fear reaching out to people, I fear social situations, I fear letting people get to close, I fear taking chances. All these fears weigh me down. Sometime I stare out the window and think of how my life could have turned out different. My tears have all dried up years ago. Numbness towards life grows daily. I see more gray than color most days. I know what I think is irrational but I can't shake it. I know that when I go to the store people aren't staring at me but in my mind I think I am being judged by them. As wonderful as the human mind can be ,for me, it has become a dark, dreary, and damp place.

Hi moodflakes,
It is never too late for your life to turn out differently. You are "the captain of your ship." You just can't lose sight of the light house.

I know what you mean- walking into a public place and feeling judged, self-conscious. What a crappy feeling to assume people are talking about me. However, I know it's all in my head. Have you gone through mental/verbal abuse that could have brought this on? I just now realized that this could be my reason for feeling ridiculed whether it's true or not.

One thing that has helped me is to journal, pray for healing, and to make a list of every blessing possible that I have.

I do believe that you'll heal from these negative emotions. Try to change what you think about, when you notice yourself getting worried. Substitute the negative inner mantra with positive affirmations about yourself and the life you will possess. At some point, your mind should catch up with you, as your thoughts become more confident and less fearful. Take care.

You are welcome. It is good to hear back from you.

A good way to learn, grow and build up confidence is by going through different experiences. We try so hard to stay in our comfort zone to protect ourselves but in order to get to the next level sometimes you just need to throw yourself into the deep end and stop avoiding and coasting around the side lines. Wishing you could swim but being too afraid to step into the water, because your mind is filled with fear and doubt. "What if I drown?", "What if people laugh at me?". These are the sort of thoughts that stop you from achieving what you want, there are no barriers but only those imaginary ones that you have created yourself.

You have listed your fears: 1. reaching out to people, 2. social situations, 3. letting people get close and 4. taking chances. If these fears were eliminated can you then go on to live the life you love? If so, you have 4 mountains to climb, now you have to decide which one you want to climb first.
These are four things that I personally do not fear, the reason I can climb them is because I don't have those negative thoughts, feelings and emotions holding me back. If you got rid of those negative thoughts, feelings and emotions you would also be able to climb them too.
To solve a problem you need to understand it in order to find a solution. Try creating spider diagrams, write the problem in the middle and around it write all the things that worry you, how it makes you feel, what can go wrong etc. Fill it up because no one is going to see this but you.

You should come up with some solutions under each worry/fear you wrote but the big part is actually doing what you fear. As you have it all thought out and more prepared for anything that can go wrong it should make it just that little more easier. All those worries and fears most likely wont happen because it is in your head and not real. You feel that people are staring at you and judging you but I think really you are the one who is judging yourself. You may think that they think you are awkward, but you don't know that, you are making up their minds for them. Infact they may think you are really cute, look smart, quirky, mysterious etc.
Definitely try doing some of these things, the more you do it the easier it becomes and the better you get at doing them. Hopefully your therapist would give you more tools/techniques and more of a strategy to overcome these fears.

Have a lovely weekend x

Hi Moodflakes,

I will keep my reply short since you mention having the attention span of a gnat, LOL. I am so sorry to know that you have been feeling the way you have mentioned you have been feeling. It's really important for you to know that you are not alone, I too have a close male family member who has gone through sexual abuse and I was so glad to hear in your final statement that you going to get professional help for your depression and your anxiety. For the family member I mentioned, his getting counseling for what happened to him as a child totally changed his life around and mostly for the better, he is presently 50 years old and he is doing so much better, although he does suffer from bouts of depression at times.

Know that you were not at fault for what happened to you. As humans we are strong and can overcome or at least learn to cope with much that happens to us, and even more so with help. I do strongly feel once you have gone through counseling it will help a great deal with your depression and anxiety. I am wishing you the best in your journey and hope that all turns out well for you.