first time on here

[gingerjedi]

i don't know how to start this, becuase up until lately i have been good a dealing with my issues. however, in the last six months this has not been the case. last year my wife suffered with our first miscarriage which messed with her head, as a result of this i spent the next six months supporting my wife and helping her improve her mental well being. just before christmas we decided that in the new year we would try again after living a very healthy lifestyle for the last six months. at no point over these six months was i ever asked how i was coping with the miscarriage. well my wife had a second miscarriage at the start of this year, this time she was mentally prepared to deal with it, i was not; not having to support her again i responded badly to this news. again as the first time my wife would not really talk about what had happened and i had to deal with this loss on my own; mainly because my wife asked me not to tell anyone due to embarassment. this i found incredibly hard and in the end confided in a work colleague, over the coming weeks we developed a strong friendship and talked lots especially by text when not in the same office. i don't know why but this friendship developed in to a flirty/jokey innuedo type friendship. nothing physical ever happened between us and the texting was merely a running joke, some of the messaging got quite explicit, but we both knew nothing would ever happen as we were both married. by this time i thought i was getting over the miscarriage, but found my mood would be up and down. well my wife saw some of the messages and is now threatening to leave me, i know the messaging was wrong but it was my way of escaping the situation. Has anyone ever been through this and if so how did you get over it? i'm tired of feeling low all the time and not being able to look at things positively like i used too. i'm also scared that i may lose the love of my life.

[Ieris]

Hello Gingerjedi,

I think it was great that you were there to support your wife, marriage is a two way street and she should have been there to support you too. I guess in some ways she has neglected your feelings and underestimated the impact the miscarriages had on you. Asking you to deal with your loss by yourself sounds a little selfish, if she didn't want you to talk to others then she should have been there for you. I understand your reasons for confiding in a work colleague, when people don't get support/attention for their partners, people tend to look elsewhere.

What you and your colleague shared just sounds like banter, but I guess you should be able to understand why your wife is annoyed with you. If the tables were turned and she was messaging a male a colleague the same things you did, how would that make you feel? What would she have to do to make you forgive her? Try thinking from that perspective and apply it to your own situation. You have both been through a lot and it seems a real shame to give it all up over something like this. Actions speak louder than words, I really hope you manage to find a way to gain her trust back and make her stay.

Best of luck x

[4EverMe]

Hi GingerJedi,
Communication, as you probably know, is one of the most crucial elements to sustain any relationship. (marriage, or otherwise)
Have you had a very long heart-to-heart with your wife?