Depression Understood Forums

Today is my birthday. For many people, birthdays are a time of celebration, spent with friends and family. For me, birthdays are a time of solitude and contemplation about why I’ve spent another year unhappily alone. I’m turning 50 years old. I’ve lived half a century now and I have no close family left. I also have no wife, girlfriend or even close friends.

All throughout my life, I’ve suffered from depression. When I was a child, my parents realized something was wrong with me and took me to a child psychiatrist. As far as I remember, he was a nice guy, but it didn’t help. As an adult, I saw several different psychiatrists and counselors over the years. None of them helped either. I also tried a wide variety of antidepressants (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Effexor, etc.). None of them helped very much either. Actually, one did help, but it was a trial for a new drug that wasn’t brought to market because it didn’t work for most people (minorities like me don’t matter). This may have been the only brief period in my life that I felt “normal.”

Now, I don’t see anyone for counseling and don’t take any medication. I’m not much worse off as a result, but I’m also not much better off. I’ve learned how to cope with my depression much better, but I certainly haven’t overcome it and don’t think I ever will. I’ve learned to accept it, but I haven’t really been able to find anyone else willing or able to do so.

I’ve tried almost all of my life to change things, in the hope that life could be better. I’ve almost always failed. I’ve succeeded in some minor respects, teaching myself how to act like things are ok in order to have what seems like a relatively normal life. But it’s all just an act. Things have never been ok and constantly trying to act as if they are has taken a huge toll on me as well. The only time I can be myself is when I’m alone.

I’d give anything to be able to find one person who could understand me at least to some extent and accept me as I am. But, that’s never happened and at this stage in life, it seems extremely unlikely that it ever will.

The problem is largely my own fault. I’m not interested in or attracted to many people. The few that I am really interested in and (in the case of women) attracted to are unfortunately never interested in me. On the rare occasion when I find a woman I’m really interested in who shows some potential interest in me, the relationship never lasts long. I think that’s mostly because what she’s interested in is my act, not me. I have to put on the act to have any remote chance of attracting anyone. However, after I get to know the person and feel comfortable with her (which doesn’t happen often), I feel maybe I can let some of my true self be known. That’s always a mistake. I’ve never found anyone willing to accept me for who I really am and put up with my flaws.

I’ve thought about killing myself many times over many years, but obviously haven’t done that. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m just too afraid to do so. Maybe I still can’t give up hope that somehow, life could be better and I could find some reasonable degree of happiness. Based on all of my life’s experience, that’s a ridiculous hope.

The odds are that I’ll continue to spend the rest of my life alone. I wonder how many more birthdays I’ll have. If things keep going as they have so far, I hope not too many.

Although it may not feel this way, happy happy birthday, Deacon Blues.

I've gotta say that I read every word that you wrote; You seem like a caring and kind man, who is also honest. This must win someone over eventually. Don't ever give up hope. I recognize the loneliness you feel, but keep something in mind. I'm single, and have been in some relationships where I felt more alone than when I was 'free.' At any rate, I wish you the best! I also hope that you will do something special for YOU today- for the very special person you are.

Happy Birthday!

Hello Deacon Blues,

I feel the same way about birthdays. It's almost like a reminder of how nothing has changed in the last year compared to the year before and the year before that. Having achieved nothing so what exactly is there to celebrate about? However that is not a good way to think because the only one that suffers is you so why not use it to mark how you've made it through to another year. May have been easier to simply jump off a bridge but you chose to hold on and it shows you still have that fire in you even when you're living through a storm.

You said you try to act like everything is OK and live a relatively normal life but what is normal? Who are you putting on a show for? So many people put on a front when they walk out their front door, the things they say, the things they post on facebook may not be as it seems, people cherry pick the things that they want others to see to give a certain impression. Usually to show how fabulous their lives are, nice car, nice house, foreign holidays but she isn't going to let others know that she is on the verge of bankruptcy. For some reason we are only suppose to show our strengths yet hide all our flaws and weaknesses, the need to have it all together because everyone else has that same mentality. So many people are wearing a mask trying to come across as "normal" but what is the meaning of that? I guess normal doesn't seem so normal anymore when everyone is putting it on. So I say stop trying to be normal and just be you. Stop putting on an act and attracting those who are attracted to the facade you display and not the real you. You are only lying to them and yourself, don't advertise yourself as strawberry ice cream when you are vanilla (there is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla!) you can only attract those who like vanilla if you be more honest about who you are.

What would you like to change that would make your life better? You said you have been trying all your life but which aspect of it? I think many people leave thoughts floating in their heads wishing for things to be better but when they are asked what they want changed they can never give a solid answer. I think it is good to put things down onto paper, make a list - where I am and where I want to be. That way you make things more clear to yourself which areas you need to tackle. Stick it on a wall where you will see it often and tick things off as you make them a reality. Many people simply "wish" for change but don't make change so they will always be at square one. No matter how impossible it seems, taking one step a day is better than making no progress in a year so go at your own pace.

I think lots of people think about killing themselves at some point in their lives but the majority do not go ahead with it because they believe that they are capable of turning things around even when the odds are against them. Don't wait for luck, don't sit there and pray, stop wishing, stop dreaming and take action and get those things that you want. By now we should know that things don't drop from the sky straight into our laps so in order to get things you have to go get them. I wish you the best of luck, I hope you find something/a reason to make you smile and look forward to waking up everyday! Don't give up! x

I totally agree with leris. Well conveyed...