Where to start...sorry for the novel

[Ulysses_]

I'm 31 years old, 32 this October. I'm not sure if it's my depression leading me to think this way, but I honestly can't remember a lot of happy times in my life when I think of my past except for a good solid few years here and there. I have had a rough childhood like many. Originally raised by two parents until they split when I was 14 years old. However, all was not well in my house as a child. I witnessed a lot of verbal abuse between my mother and father. I have a lot of crappy memories remembering them yelling and screaming at each other all the time. What I didn't know for years was the amount of counselling they went through just to salvage a marriage that just (what I now see) wasn't meant to be. So when my mother explained to me that dad was moving out, and that they were separating/in the process of getting a divorce I was shocked. I never saw it coming but you know - hindsight 20/20. I now realize it was the best thing my mom could ever do! At 14, I was ready to end my life due to numerous reasons beyond just my unhappy family life. School was pretty rotten. I always grew up as the overweight only child who was teased mercilessly - grade 8 was the worst. I was teased so badly that I pretended to be sick almost 60 days, a miracle that I even passed grade 8. My mother was doing her best to keep things together even though she was going through the worst moment of her life dealing with the divorce. Thankfully I never tried anything, just wrote a note or two. High school was okay, less teasing - but social problems with friends because most high school girls, simply put, are bitches. I saw my dad every other weekend and lived with my mom. Things were so tense with my mom as I always saw her as the enemy who broke up my parents marriage, how wrong I was. However, my dad was worse. He was always such a disappointment in my life. So selfish and damaged himself that he didn't know how to be a proper father. He did many hurtful things to me such as choosing his own friends or girlfriends over seeing me. I was a daddy's girl, that for some reason, always looked up to my goofy father who was more childish than me. Things got real rough in my life by the time I was 18 years old, at the end of my high school days. I finally realized why my parents divorced and what my father put my mother through. On Father's Day of 2001 I found out my dad started dating his brother's ex-wife (whom I never even liked as an aunt in the past). I thought this was strange and rather disgusting. Things started to pull together in my mind. A few years before he started to date her, my mom had a huge falling out with her (she used to be friends with my mother for ages). I never was told why and it wasn't my business I assumed. Until it all made sense. My father cheated on my mother with this woman, and that was the last straw which made my mother realize she and I deserved more. I was actually at his house visiting him, when he told me of his new relationship. It all dawned on me and I was mortified, shocked and in shambles. I went home to my mom that night and told her everything. I asked her the questions and all the truth came out. I was so disgusted and saddened that I couldn't even speak to my dad anymore. I ended our relationship completely from that point onward. I didn't seek any counselling that next year, though I should have. I pretty much had a nervous break down during my last year of high school between 18-19 years old. I almost tried to commit suicide but thankfully my mom caught me before I ingested any. I took the minimal amount of courses to graduate high school. Between that year, the most I ever spoke to my dad was through hate filled letters. He tried his best to connect, but he never saw what was wrong and how his poor choices made me feel. I felt like utter shit, that my own dad whom I always loved and looked up to, chose another woman over me. I gave him that ultimatum because I couldn't respect his relationship with someone who hurt my mom so badly (not to mention...kinda Jerry Springer to date your brother's ex-wife). For years and years I felt like it was my fault, what did I do wrong? I went off to university to study art in fall of 2002. Things at school were great. I met a lot of people who had similar interests as me and art was my therapy for a while. Until the summer of 2003 where I really did have a breakdown. All the anger, confusion and sadness over my broken relationship with my dad came to a peak. I started having horrible panic attacks so bad that I just couldn't eat or function daily. If I tried to eat I'd throw up. Eventually the anxiety turned to depression as well. The worst was when I didn't want to get out of bed one day and I had suicidal thoughts. I told my mom I needed help or I just wouldn't be here anymore. I went on anti-depressants for a year and sought cognitive-behavioral counselling which helped a bit as well. I learned how to conquer my anxiety and live day to day like any person. I continued with my studies and graduated in the summer of 2005. My dad tried to communicate through letters, random phone calls and such. I would have none of it. The next few years of my life, 2006-2007 were rather confusing. I didn't know what I wanted to be so I just worked a few odd jobs. Thought that going back to college in 2007 was a good idea so that I could get a more useful job in the office administration field. So there I was, 25 and enrolled in school again. In spring of 2006, I reconnected with an online friend of mine who had been an amazing friend since I was 16 years old. His name was Blake. He was 2 years younger than me, but I think 10 years wiser. Whenever I was having teenage issues with my mother or what not, he talked some sense into me and was always there to listen. We drifted a bit during my university and his college years only to reconnect in spring. Our friendship was still the same, actually better than before. I was more mature and driven and he was also going places. Our friendship turned into a deep online romance with plans of meeting one another finally within the next year. He was my number 1 supporter when I started college in the fall. We even professed our love for one another. He was actually the first guy (and only) man I've loved in a romantic sense. Then he died on November 17th, 2007 in a car accident. I'm not sure of the details, just found out through his mutual real friends who also knew me. I was devastated, I didn't know how to cope or handle it. I was knee deep in homework, had a part time job and I had to keep it together. I've never had any closure from this death, and to this day I am still deeply depressed from it. I never got to go to his funeral and actually say my good byes because of where he lived (Texas) and where I am (Canada). My way of coping was to eat, eat and eat. Within the next two years I ballooned. I was never so obese in my entire life of having weight problems. After graduating college with the highest honours and marks in my program, I eventually got an administration job at a local accounting firm. The job was great in some ways. Mostly the money, not the job itself. I realized one day after being winded after coming up a set of stairs that I needed to change. I woke up one day and said "I'm tired of being fat" so I changed that. I revamped my entire eating habits and started going to a health center for women 3 times a week. Between 2009 to 2010 I lost a lot of weight I can't even count how many inches. Unfortunately my contract with that job ended in November 2010. I just wasn't cut out for that company but it also made me realize that I needed a change in my life. My body had changed a lot but I was lost inside. So, why not go teach in South Korea? I had a good friend do it for 2 years and supported my decision (mom wasn't so excited). That's what I have done the past 2 years almost (with an 8 month break between). I went in 2011-2012 and 2012-2013. Two different locations and two different experiences. First one was phenomenal, changed me in such a good way. I had a hard time adjusting living away from home and having to be so independent after being SO dependent on my mother for many years. But it was good. I worked and lived with 8 other foreign teachers from around the world and loved teaching the children there. I had many fun nights and stories. Hard times as well, especially since my grandfather (whom I look up to so much) passed away while I was there. But I was happy! I also lost more weight and was the lightest I've ever been. My self esteem was slowly rebuilding from point 0, I started to learn how to love myself more but still had destructive behaviors with men. Korea isn't a place for relationships, so I had a lot of safe casual sex. I have an issue with getting attached to anyone romantically. Ever since Blake died I get extremely anxious whenever I start to have feelings for someone and it makes me want to run/end things. It was really put my dating life at a stand still and still does today. My second year in Korea, this past year was extremely stressful. I worked for a horrible school that mistreated its teachers and my co-workers, for a lack of a better word, were immature douche bags. I did make friends outside of work, but I was so depressed and anxious that those friendships also fell apart as well. I came home just at the end of November in time for my first Christmas home in 2 years! Christmas was wonderful, but I haven't had the motivation to face all these problems holding me back until now. I gained weight this past year and I'm on the path to losing them again. However, I still get anxious whenever I try to date and realize I need to focus on me first. I don't know if it's because of my broken relationship with my father or the death of Blake. However, I have big self esteem issues. I really don't love myself, often see the bad in myself and also others because I'm so miserable sometimes. I look in the mirror and see what's wrong, instead of this incredibly beautiful woman (so my friends tell me). It's affected my friendships, any sort of relationship...my entire life. I'm currently enrolled full time in university again to upgrade my degree so that I can be a teacher here in Canada. I am so happy to have found my calling in life but still have so much depression and anxiety to overcome at times. I still miss Blake like crazy, and cry over him every November 17th. I actually had a very big breakdown this past valentines day. I'm hoping to eventually start counselling and deal with the grief that I still hold onto, almost 7 years later. I have done well dealing with my daddy issues. I wrote him a letter of forgiveness this past December and feel in my heart that I have moved on and no longer feel any anger or hurt from him. But so many other issues remain.

So there is my novel of a life, thanks to those who actually read it!

[4EverMe]

Hi Ulysses_
Thank you for posting your story, and a big welcome to this site.

As I read the details of your life, there were things I'd planned on giving you advice for. However, the more I read your words, I came to realize that amidst the stresses you've lived through, you've made mature decisions. An example is the choice you made in forgiving your dad. I'm sure it was tough, and you probably experienced an internal struggle within. Regardless, you did what was right. Did it give you a sense of freedom? Such as a burden being lifted/released? So many people have a difficult time with forgiving others because they feel that by forgiving they're essentially saying that the offense(s) against them are okay. Of course, this isn't true, as I'm sure you know.

I've got to say that while I deeply feel for the pain you've lived through, I likewise admire your strength and courage. I'm proud of you for making it through each 'storm,' to come out on the other side with a good head on your shoulders.

For the tragic loss of Blake, whom you obviously deeply loved, I am very sorry. Unfortunately, I don't have words that are adequate enough to express that...

There is something I thought of, though, that might help you with your fear of dating other men. As I read about your struggles with the whole dating scene, two things come to mind:

Firstly, do you feel guilt dating someone other than Blake? Could it be an internalized fear that by dating another, you're betraying Blake in some way?
If this is an issue, I feel it strongly inside of me to ask you this. What do you think Blake would say to you if he were standing before you? Something tells me that he would say to stop living in misery over his passing. Love never dies. But, I feel that he would tell you to find someone who brings you happiness, and that it's okay if it is not him. He knows you love him, and he knows that you always will. He loved you too, right? Therefore, he would want you to go on living. He would want you to go on, in the embrace of his love- not in the shadow of his passing.

Secondly, you must feel that you will never love another man the way you love(d) Blake. This may be true, as you will never find another who is exactly the same as him. With that in mind, and with any and all guilt released, know that there is someone out there who will bring you joy again. You've got to give others a chance though. (when you're ready)
There are a number of times in my life when a relationship ended, times when I said I will never find another him. I bawled, feeling that it was the end of my world, and it took me a long time to get over it.
When least expected, though, romance would spring up out of nowhere, leaving me bewildered! I'd find a really good guy. He might not have been the one I last wept over, but he was great in his own unique way!
Give things a chance. Go at your own comfortable pace. Know that you will find love again, even if you don't see it now.

Know that you WILL make it. You have a good head on your shoulders, and adequate enough love in your heart to eventually love again...while Blake will always have a place in your heart.