An story for anyone who cares

[Doom]

Hello, i'm new here.. I don't know how to start this.. I just feel like I need to get this out of my chest, so here it goes:
I'm feeling sad, I see things's negative side all the time, I sometimes feel nothing at all and I think very often about suicide..

My childhood wasn't very happy, my parents were fighting all the time (and still they do), sometimes I would stuck in the middle of that (when they fight, I feel sick, like I wanna puke.. And they in general would/will fight over the most stupid things). In the school I was being bullied by my classmates, never get along with them.. Lets put simple, the society trend is not my like...
Since when I was 13-14 I started having such thoughts.. I remember that when I was 12 I wanted to hurt myself.
I don't know if it's normal for a 18 years old person to feel like this..

I'm not sure if I'm depressed, I have a very low self esteem, I'm suffering some sleeping problems since last year..
I just wish that I could be back in time and be a kid again because although all those things, to me in that time seemed like nothing matters, I was always happy, I was always smiling..
I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm sinking and nobody notices it.. I suppose that I disguise it very well.. I don't try to tell somebody this because:
1. If I tell my parents I fear of what could happen (they fighting, hurting each other, etc...)
2. My friends are not help, they would tell the typical things that are not helpful..

[Ieris]

Hello Doom,

Sorry to hear you are feeling that way. It is quite common for people to feel negative and drive themselves into a hole. You can repeat that process for weeks, months or years but nothing will change unless you make change and break out of that cycle.

I understand that your parents ongoing fights have a negative impact on you, either you get involved or let them be. I don't know what they argue about but some couples just get along that way, it can be stressful being adults, more so being a parent. They could be stressed with work, money problems, etc. As you are 18 maybe you can start helping your family out and take some of the burden. What do you do around the house? What can you do to help your parents out? Everyone has problems of their own and need someone to listen to/vent to once in a while, including your parents. I'm not sure how close you are to them but if you hear them out, maybe they can help you with your problems too.

You said that you have sleeping problems.. Do you have a regular time you go to bed and wake up? Try doing more exercise during the day to burn off more energy, don't go on your computer/iPad/phone before bed because it can keep you up. If you think a lot while you're in bed try writing those thoughts down/read a book/listen to music/drink a glass of milk.

I have lots of friends but they cannot help me with my problems, they can listen which I appreciate but at end of the day I still have to deal with them myself. I am glad you have found this forum, use this as an outlet when you want people to listen but you must know that you are the only who can change your situation, not your friends.

If you are not happy with where you are, have you thought about what you want to be? Where do you want to go? What do you want to achieve? When you know where you want to go, you start moving forward and will no longer be sinking. You are only 18, you got a whole life ahead of you, don't stay put and waste your time. Go and do all the things you want to do.

Feel free to PM if you need someone to listen.

All the best x

[Doom]

Hi, thank you for your response.
The problem with my parents I wish it would be about money, I would try to help without hesitation if with that could stop the fighting... But sadly the relationship fell apart many years ago but they live together.. I don't know if the fact that I have told my parents a few times that if they got a divorce it would be better, would put me as a bad kid, I hope you understand I love my parents but the fact it's that their fighting is affecting me.. I don't wanna be involve but somehow I'm. Sometimes I'm like the intermediary and others times (too many times) the fight turns to be about me and they critic me, insult me..
And with time it only gets worse and worse.. They don't want to keep this going but for convenience they don't do anything.. They fights over the most stupid thing and then the fight turns to the same thing everyday (cheat).. And I just become numb. (This has been happening since I can remember)..

I feel that it's my fault, I know it's not but I can't help the feeling...
I remember that one time I was sick, and when my mom told my father they started to fight..

My relationship with they it's different.. With my mom it's all good, sometimes we fight like everybody else, but in general it's all good..
With my father it's awful, we don't get along, mostly because he doesn't want to get involve, I tried to get his attention, to spend time with me, nothing worked and I quit trying.. I only get insults, critics.. I don't need that.. If he's drunk maybe he would say something nice..

About my sleeping troubles, I don't have a bedtime and many times I can't fall asleep.. And if I do, I have nightmares, awful memories, I toss and turn a lot and sometimes I wake up covered in sweat..

I miss a relative very deeply but he's not with us... He died in a car accident 8 years ago..
I ... That day in the hospital room was the worst day in my life...

The worst time is the night, it's when the bad thoughts fills my mind and I don't know what to do, I'm worthless, I remember all the mistakes that I made, I recall all the names that I was told in school or what my parents told me..

I have been feeling like this so many years..

[Mommyofone]

Hi,
I'm really sad to hear you're going through a tough time. I kinda understand a little but about it, though. I am 19 and going through this dark place in my life. My parents divorced when I was much younger, but I was fought over through the court system for about 16 years of my life. As for the friends thing, I can't help much in that way because I don't have any friends. I just wanted to tell you that I am always up to talking things out with someone. I feel a little but of your pain. I hope this helps and that you find yourself feeling a little better very soon.
You're in my thoughts,
Ashley

[Ieris]

You're welcome.

I don't think you're a bad kid for suggesting divorce, when two people don't get along, it's best to go their separate ways rather than trap themselves in a room fighting each other day and night. As you said their relationship broke down years ago so why not move on and get into new relationships. It is unfair that you are caught in the middle of their battles and you are suffering for it. When someone is being criticised they will often try to aim the canon at their opponent or someone else so try not to be offended when its you. If they cant sort out their own problems they shouldn't be criticising you. You have voiced your opinion and if they won't take your advice then let them get on with it. It is not your fault, whether they had you or not they would probably still fight so take yourself out of their equation and leave them to sort out their differences. This is their problem, not yours so try to focus on your own things.

Regarding your sleeping issues, I have experienced the same thing with the nightmares. I had them every night for 2 months and I was scared to sleep. I believed it was caused by stress so try to find ways to de-stress and book in activities that you will look forward to. I did more exercise and took vitamins + supplements (can't remember them all but one of them was MSM). I wasn't really a fan of reading as I much preferred watching movies but found that watching tv at night kept me up. I switch all my devices off and find books that I am interested in reading, fill my mind with the story and go to sleep feeling excited to read the next chapter. I always sleep better when I have fresh bed sheets so change them often, got myself silk pillows, a nice bed side lamp, I painted the walls. I made it simple, tidy and clean, now I look forward to rolling into bed. Try to make your room more welcoming, a place you can feel safe and feel comfortable in.

It is not easy to lose someone we love, you may never get over it so stop trying to. It is sad that they have left so its only natural we feel that way. When I lost people that I love I try to remember the good times we had, the jokes they told and sometimes I catch myself smiling just thinking about it. Although they are gone, I am glad that I had them in my life rather than not have them at all. Sometimes it feels like they are still alive but have simply moved to another country. I'm not in denial but it just feels that way and I don't feel sad about it anymore.

You are not worthless, you're just carrying a lot of bad memories. You take things too seriously, especially the insults and negative things that people have thrown at you. People often say those things out of frustration and don't really mean it, even if they do what they say isn't always real/fact so don't take it to heart. You don't need people telling you who and what you are, only you need to know. You are the only one who can define who you are and who you want to be so ignore all those who tell you different because they should focus on their own lives. If someone else's life is a mess, they shouldn't be criticising others when they own kitchen is on fire.

We all make mistakes but we can't go back and undo them so let them go. It's like you're carrying a suitcase of stones, you're only going to make your journey more difficult for yourself as it builds up and becomes more heavy. Why are you carrying them for? Take out those stones (burdens/mistakes/negativity) and fill it with better and pleasant things. Even better toss the suitcase aside and start running, feel free and start living.

Go out to explore and figure out what you want to do with your life. This is what I think you should focus on, this is what you can control and this is how I think you can get yourself out of that hole. Start looking forwards, not backwards, you cant change those things so learn to let go....

x