Depression Understood Forums

My life started in chaos. My biological father is an alcoholic and womanizer. Reasons my mother left him when I was almost 2. My biological grandfather started molesting me at a very young age. My first memory of the abuse is about 3. When I was about 5, my mother remarried a man that turned out to be a devil. He was mean and cruel and shortly after their marriage, he started molesting me as well. My grandfather used tactics involving buying my silence, pampering me, and pretty much giving me what ever I wanted. My step-father used threats, beating, and violence to keep my silence. My mother worked all the time and pretty much ignored the abuse and the obvious signs of molestation. I did tell my aunt at one point and my step dad was sent to jail. My mother waited for him to get out of jail and allowed the jerk back into our home. She even made me go get ice cream with him when he left jail. Shortly after he left jail, I told my mother that my grandfather was doing the same thing. Her response.... "Ok, go out and play". Anyway, my stepfather moved us out of state and the abuse started all over and didn't stop till I was in my early teens. I could go on and on about situations I was put in where these creepy men took advantage of me. A babysitter's husband, my step dad's friend at the lake, a live in..... why? I was a little girl and had no choice.
I soon found alcohol and that cause more problems and I put myself in more dangerous situations. In high-school I as ganged raped by my boyfriend and his three friends at a party. My "best' friend at the time just stood and watch. A year later, I finally started dating the boy I thought was my way out, my knight in shining armor. 6 months into the relationship (that I thought was perfect) turned ugly fast. This was the beginning of a nearly 3 year beating fest. He beat me, abused me in many ways, manipulated me, and pretty much destroyed me.
I joined the military after high school and that decision saved my life. I wouldn't realize it till years later. The military would prove to be not only a life line for me but a life lesson as well. I was raped by a MP that I thought was a friend of mine. We would hang out, watch movies and stuff and I would have never in a thousand years believe he would be capable of such acts. But he was and he did. No, I never told. Who was I suppose to tell? He was a corporal, we were a very small detachment, and his sergeant was as much of a pig as he turned out to be. The only fortunate thing was that he was shortly transfer duty stations and I have never seen him since. Actually, the memories of that night did not resurface until my hospital stay for my nervous breakdown.
I have finally given up drinking and I am now detoxing off of antidepressants. Yes, they make me feel better, but the extra weight gain is not doing any good for me. The last couple of months has been tough and the thoughts of ending my life have been frequent and more detailed than ever. The only thing keeping me is grounded is my son. He is all I got and vise versa.
I am praying for God to release me from this bondage but have yet to figure out how to let go. I have so much junk and stinky thinking, it overwhelms me to the point of exhaustion. I function and do what I have to do. People think I have it all together and I am so happy. If they could only see the inside of me, they would definitely not have such praises to say.
I do not have friends and I do not date. My dating history is full of abuse and simply toxic people. Same for friendships. It's like I have a huge sign on my forehead that says "sucker" on it. So last year, I got rid of all toxic people and I decided to quit dating. It is turning out to be a good move but also I am very lonely. I don't have anyone to simply hang out with and I don't have anyone left to even talk to. One of the draw backs of living in a small town I suppose.
I want to be happy. I want to have friends. I want a healthy relationship. I want a family some day. I use to think I didn't deserve good things or situation but maybe I do. We shall see.......

my head is in a daze at the moment from my own stuff, but i did not read that you are getting any help, therapist ? doctor ?
it might help you to talk out everything that you have gone through, which are all horrible.
all i can say is you do deserve happiness.
know that some one cares.
take care

I grew up as a child with a sign that said, molest me. My mother didn't care for me. My brother was her pride and joy, today he is an insensitive jerk. I was raped, molested...the list I can save for my introduction. It wasn't until I realized that as a child, adults taught me what I was worth. I had no one to tell, because children were to be seen, not heard. I had to learn to love being by myself, to get to know who I was. I started enjoying being alone. I could eat where I wanted, see what movie I wanted, leave for the weekend out of town and answer to no one. As a retired officer, you could have fought the rape of the MP by going to the hospital and requesting a rape kit, because you were raped. It did not have to be a military hospital. But it's difficult when you were taught that you were good for one thing, and you had no power to stop it. No of this is your fault. The adults who were put on earth by the Almighty will have to answer to why they didn't protect you. You need to know it wasn't your fault, and as a child, you were powerless.

Most important, you need to seek counseling from someone who specializes in adult survivors of abuse of any kind. Medication without counseling is not going to help you. Stop putting off your happiness and make it a priority. Make your self a priority. You can give all of yourself to others, when you don't love yourself. You will inadvertently teach your child self sacrifice at all cost....even at the cost of his self. You don't want a co-dependent child, you want him to be confident, and self assured. It starts with you.