Depression Understood Forums

Hello. Um, I guess I'll just say that I really am a useless and terrible person.

I mean, I thought I wasn't. That bad but I think I really am and I hate myself so much.

It pretty much starts off with me being in a relationship. We were together for a solid three years. But on the third year, I messed up so bad. He went to the military and has been starting his job and after awhile, I let the distance get the best of me. I never appreciated him enough for what he's been doing n all I ever did was talk about him behind his back. I never even did this sort of thing but during that year, I just got so angry and depressed and I ended up distancing myself from him.
I knew I was causing more problems but in the end of that year, he cheated on me. I blamed him so much and carried such heavy negative emotions. And only too late did I realize I let myself become so awful. So last year, I told myself I needed to change and stop acting that way.
Fast forward a few months, we started talking again. Everything was good and I thought all was well.
Fast forward again to the beginning of this year. He called me up n told me his ex went through his fb (we were not together but we did comforted eachother a lot) and he was upset. He wanted to use my fb to get back at her and I trusted him to it.
He ended up seeing my past convos and all the terrible things I've said and made me realize how deceitful I really am. I thought I was getting better but hiding that from him ruined it all. He told his family and they hate me I can feel it. I know he hates me and I am miserable.

I tried so hard in 2013 to be more patient, more positive, less judging. Instead, karma finally caught up to me and its so dumb for me to even say any of this. I wanted so hard to believe I was a good person but now I realize maybe I was always meant to be that horrible and rude.

I just hate myself completely because I'm afraid I'll never truly recover and ever be forgiven. I don't think I even deserve it. I really do think it's better for me not to even be around or exist cause I can feel myself being a cause for a problem. No matter what. Not just with him but with my friends n family.

Now I just can't eat, either I sleep too much or just not at all, I can't even focus in reality and I can't even keep my emotions in check. I really believe more than ever that I am a screw up and just stop going out at all. Give up completely with everyone around me.

I do get suicidal thoughts and nowadays, it gets harder and harder to push out.

you do not sound like a useless , terrible person to me !
but i am sorry for what you have gone through , but if you are feeling suicidal you should seek some professional help, and talk this out with some one who cares about you.
there are really good crisis lines to call, they have helped me in the past, and they are very caring people.
know that someone cares.
take care
.

Hello Totality,

Doesn't matter what you said, you said them for a reason and you said them because you were angry and depressed. Those messages were not for him to read, how disrespectful of him to go through your messages like that. You may still feel guilty but try to get over it, you can't change it so its best to move on. We have all done crappy things in our lives, does that one thing define us as who we are? No. If that's not the person you want to be then don't do it again. We grow and we change everyday, you still have plenty of time to become the person you want to be.

You may feel you're terrible and useless, instead of focusing on what you are, focus on what you can be and how to get there. If you do nothing to change then you will always be terrible and useless in your own eyes, and is this something you want? If you don't want this then do something! How can you be more useful?

I don't believe anyone is 100% nice all the time. Of course we can be rude and horrible at times, depends on the situation. We need to learn to control our temper, our mouths, our actions, for our own benefit.

It's not easy but you still have time to become the person you want to be. Give yourself a chance.

x

Hi Totality,
Just as your ex made the wrong choice to go through your fb msgs, you made the wrong choices of cheating and then gossiping about him.
Now, you need to forgive yourself. You've obviously repented within, and there's no meaningful purpose to continue dragging yourself through hell. We have all had our share of mistakes- things we now wish we could change, if it were possible.
But, all we can really do is to forgive ourselves for those bad choices, and try not to make repetitious those same decisions. Stop beating yourself up over things you can't now change. (unless you have a time machine you haven't told us about) Haha.
Forgive yourself already.

Hope this helps.