The nightmare from hell(Triggering Material)

[CrazyLady17]

This has taken me a lot and I mean a lot of courage to finally share this with someone.... I was crying while typing all this out and still crying now. It brings back so many bad bad memories, it's horrible.
Here goes;

This is the other half of my story and I've never ever told a soul about this and I've spoken to anyone about it not even my uncle as he made promised that I wouldn't talk to him or anyone about it.


When I was 12 I got sexually abused by my uncle(my fathers brother) and he made me promise not to tell anyone and all these years I have kept or from them and have put on a "front" everytime I see my uncle and I still get scared and panicky when I see him or with him alone in the house etc....
It didn't just happen once it happened often, he would lie to my parents and say he wanted to "teensit" me while my parents went out for the night and that's when the darkest side of him came out and that's when all the abuse happened... I was scared to tell anyone, I was scared to even go near boys at that point.

I used to come home from school go upstairs to my room and cry for hours, my parents would be too busy to notice that I'm so distressed and wouldn't ask me what's up. I am pretty good at hiding this "big massive secret" from everyone, but it's now gotten to the point where I can't hold it in my head and heart any longer, I need to let someone know, but am so scared of what will happen to me. I am scared my parents and the rest of my family won't believe me as it's been 5 years ago now.

All this abuse made me stop eating(when my parents wasn't around the house/when I was at school), self harming and also thought about suicide a lot(but never acted on them until I was around 15)...
Ever since the abuse I've been scared to let anyone in my life, and I have had some pretty horrible relationships too.

Also my uncle has physically abused me(when I was about 14) as I threanted I would tell someone about the abuse and he physically abused me.. That was it, he scared the hell out of me and from that moment on the nightmare still lives.
I went on and on having these horrible flashbacks, I still have the flashbacks now, and It hurts so much.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
My life seems to be so bleak.
I wish I didn't keep that stupid promise now, I wish I told someone sooner. Argh. This is all my fault.
The abuse is all my fault.

I can't sit back and "pretend" like this never happened anymore, it's always in my head and I always think about it, just don't really show my feelings towards what's happened as I haven't confide in anyone....
I feel scared to tell, I don't know why? I guess it's because I'm scared everubody else in my life will walk away and leave me.

[CrazyLady17]

I ended up having a nightmare about all this and ended up waking up crying my eyes out.
I can't take anymore abuse, I can't face my uncle ever again, I've broken his promise he made me make? I am such a horrible person for this. I can't live with myself knowing I've broken such a promise.

What do I do now.....
I just can't do it anymore.
It's breaking me apart and I feel so insecure about everything.

[heavyheart38]

In my opinion you,need to say something. What he did is downright illegal, not to mention a serious abuse of power. You were a young girl, he had no right go do that to you!! If i found someone did that to my daughters god help,them you are NOT breaking a promise, you ARE REPORTING A CRIME.

[CrazyLady17]

Thank you

But... For 5 years I've kept it so quite and kept the promise? I have been so scared to let the truth come out as I know for a fact my uncle will do more things to me when he finds out I have told someone, and that scares me a lot. There is something else too....

When he sexually abused me I became pregnant, I got a free pregnant test from the school nurse.. (Luckily she didn't say anything to the school or my parents) phew! It came back positive and I broke down into tears, after that I closed myself off I didn't speaks to anyone for weeks. I just kept myself to myself and kept so quite like a little mouse. It came as I was like 14 weeks or something and I miscarried(back then I was young and it was heartbreaking but also the best)....
I didn't go to see my GP or anything I coped with the miscarriage all on my own just like I coped with the abuse. But as I've got the older it's all came ball to haunt me and it's hit me pretty hard.

[heavyheart38]

I dont know about the UK but in NZ that offence has a lengthy prison sentence. He needs to be dealt with before he hurts another child. I wish i was there in person to help you get this prick. I certainly wouldnt consider him a relative, rather a sex offender

[Ieris]

What Heavyheart said is right, what he did was illegal, he made you keep that promise to save his own back. Why would you cover for someone who raped you? I think you should report him, do you really want him doing it to someone else?

I'm not sure if your parents or family would believe you, as no doubt he will deny everything so it so its pretty much your word against his. Try to find whatever evidence you have, even evidence of that pregnancy will be useful.

x

[CrazyLady17]

I'm sure he wouldn't hurt another child?...... Would he? He has two you g children himself, but he is divorced from my auntie after he cheated on her two years ago...
I agree- he does need to be dealt with, but like I have said before I am too scared to tell anyone about it, I can't face this alone anymore, I'm scared and I feel he might abuse me again. I have the flashbacks to haunt me.

[CrazyLady17]

What Heavyheart said is right, what he did was illegal, he made you keep that promise to save his own back. Why would you cover for someone who raped you? I think you should report him, do you really want him doing it to someone else?

I'm not sure if your parents or family would believe you, as no doubt he will deny everything so it so its pretty much your word against his. Try to find whatever evidence you have, even evidence of that pregnancy will be useful.

x

Hmm....
Yes I know he did, he made me keep his promise because he didn't want to be caught or fount out by anyone.... I is once threaten to tell the police and he well went onto physical abuse.... So that scared me even more and then I realised I couldn't tell anyone as I knew wha he was made of. And I was scared shitless of him(but didn't show the scared mess around my family etc)...
But I don't know? He is my uncle and I love him? I can't get him into trouble?.... Can I?
I admit when I was 12 and when he sexually abused me I did "fall for my own uncle", yes I know that's stupid, but I was onto you g and it was a stupid little "crush"....

Why wouldn't my parents or family believe me?
How am I suppose to prove that?
I don't have the pregnancy test anymore? Can the GP run some tests or something to get the evidence?

[Ieris]

I don't know him but as he has done it once before what's to stop him from doing it again to someone else?

If you report him, that knowledge will be in the open, that should make him stay well away from you. Whether people believe it or not, they will keep an eye on him if he ever comes near you. He knows he can get in trouble, so what better way to keep you from telling than making you fear what will happen if you talk. He will threaten you and scare you because he is scared, he is just trying to make you more scared than him so that you keep quiet.

He may be your uncle, you may love him but he crossed the line and there are consequences. Why should he go on living normally when he has ruined yours? You have professionals helping you now, when you are ready try to talk to your counsellor about this and see what they suggest. When you talk to a counsellor, while you are trying to explain how you feel, they will comfort you but at the same times they need to figure out where all this stems from, if you are holding things back you aren't giving them an accurate account of the root cause. Try to be more open with them, they are only trying to help you.

i don't know if your parents or family will believe you, i have read about some incidents where the parents believed their child is making things up to get attention. if it did happen, you need to find a way to prove it. you had that nurse at school who helped you take the pregnancy test?

[CrazyLady17]

I know my uncle pretty well and I am sure he wouldn't do it again to me or anyone else... Would he?
I don't know.... For some strange reason I am trying to protect him and I know that's stupid as he has ruined my childhood and things..
I feel like it's all my fault, as I should of said "NO" to him, which infact I did on serval occasions and he carried on doing it anyway. Why are bullies so horrible and make you keep such deep promises?

Hmm suppose so yes. I start counselling again this Tuesday(so hoping to be open and honest)....
I will try and be more open and honest to my support and worker and people in this hospital, but this is the first time i have ever spoken about this abuse because like I said before I've been too scared to tell anyone at all, too scared of what my uncle would do to me if I did tell someone.

Of course this is all true?
It's just...... I haven't had the guts and courage to speak up, but I have finally share my story behind it all. I kind of regret sharing it now as I feel so guilty for breaking that promise?
Yes the school nurse helped me with the pregnancy test..... That's it, I can get the school nurse(if she still works there) to speak up for me and say I taken a test at 12 and it'll be on record!!

[4EverMe]

Hi CrazyLady,
Of course, i agree with leris. If your uncle did this,
then you must say something!
You don't want to even take the risk that he's not doing this, or going to do this, to anyone else.

I'm going to read the other thread, now. Sorry it had taken me a couple of hours to read!

[CrazyLady17]

Call me Abbz I don't mind at all
I agree with you all, but..... Like I've said before I am scared shitless to tell anyone as I know what my uncle is like and after he physically abused me the last time I threanted to tell someone, I don't want to risk that again.... Do I?
I don't have the courage to tell anyone?

I actually regret sharing this story with the whole world now.... As I feel like I should be punished for breaking my uncles promise he made me keep.

This is all my fault.

[CrazyLady17]

There is more to this tragic story of mine.....
When my uncle use to abuse me who threanted me a lot he would say and I quote "you tell anyone about this and your dead".... That scared my to death and yes that's when he made me promise I woulnt tell anyone, I don't whether to believe what he said or not, but sure was and still am scared of him and probably always will be.

He used to abuse me like twice or four times a week and it gotten to the point where I actually started to have a "crush" on my own uncle(like I said before) and i started to "fall in love" with him and then I got caught up in the moment and kissed him...
No wondered I am so messed up. Eh?

This is why it's all MY fault.

[paigiie74]

Please stay strong, self harming isn't worth it, trust me, I've been there and am still trying to stay out of it. Each day count your progress, i'm up to a year and 3 months in 5 days. When your tempted distract yourself straight away, you need to pluck up the strength to tell yourself no! I know you can do it. My thoughts are with you.

[4EverMe]

Hi Abbz,
Did you know that almost EVERY child molester/punk/rapist uses the threat to mentally frighten a child? One of the other most commonly used threats is that they'll kill a family member. That said...

I would like you to reconsider your hopes that he hasn't done the same, or IS doing the same to another child. Also, consider this: Who would threaten the life of a family member they supposedly care about. ???

Fast forward, and think of another thing...Wouldn't ANY freak child molester/rapist be afraid of getting caught Uh, I'd assume they'd contemplate what their prison term would be like, known as the "child rapist!
Have I made any clear points?